Jokes Only

Me | Today | Me

[Sonora]

Could we start a Joke thread? Political or other category Jokes - humor and laughing prompts one to live longer - I try to find some each day.

[pax_et_bonum]

Why did the three wise men have ashes in their beards?

They had just come from afar.

[higgmeister]

5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could
rent a car in Dallas . When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he
had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas .. When I asked him why he wanted to
rent a car, he said, “I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will
need a car to drive between gates to save time.” (Aghhhh)

This one wins the Ultimate Insane Understatement Award! Anyone driving around DFW for the first time is in for extreme culture shock. You feel like Pascual Perez, lost on Interstate 285, trying to get to the starting game while being cutoff by shuttles, buses, limos, taxis and fellow forlorn travelers on turnout ramps every fifty yards around identical figure-eight loops with no comprehensible signage. Better to use the shuttle or ask Pascual to drive the rental car. When he gets you lost he won't have to explain.

[higgmeister]

THE ADVENTURES OF MICRO-FARAD AND MILLI-AMP

        One night when his charge was pretty high, Micro-Farad
decided to seek out a cute coil to let him discharge.
        He picked up Milli-Amp and took her for a ride on his
Megacycle. They rode across the Wheatstone Bridge, around
the sine waves, and stopped in the magnetic field by a flowing
current.
        Micro-Farad, attracted by Milli-Amp's characteristic
curves, soon had her fully charged and excited her resistance
to a minimum. He laid her on the ground potential, raised
her frequency, and lowered her reluctance.
        He pulled out his high voltage probe and inserted it in
her socket, connecting them in parallel and began short
circuiting her resistance shunt. Fully excited, Milli-Amp
mumbled, "OHM-OHM-OHM."
        With his tube operating at a maximum and her field
vibrating with his current flow, it caused her shunt to
overheat, and Micro-Farad was rapidly discharged and drained
off every electron.
        They fluxed all night trying various connections and
sockets until his magnet had a soft core and lost all of
its field strength.

        Afterwards, Milli-Amp tried self-induction and damaged
her solenoids. With his battery fully discharged, Micro-
Farad was unable to excite his field, so they spent the
rest of the night reversing polarity and blowing each
other's fuses.

                                THE END

[kalee]

This morning, I was in a huge hurry and on my way to work. I was preoccupied with what my day held and I rear-ended a car at a stop light because I was not really paying attention. I had hot coffee in my lap and I was running late.

“Great, just great”, I moaned.

The driver opened his door........leaned out of his car and stared at me. He was a dwarf. He got out, studied the damage on his bumper, and walked towards me as I rolled down my window.

He said, “I am not happy”..............

To which I replied, “Well.....Which one are you then?”

[rbosque]

“President Hellary”

[thefactor]

I'll try to do this joke justice:

Irish guy walking home drunk from a bar. Knows his wife is going to be real pissed that he stopped by the pub after work.

He gets home and his wife is waiting for him at the door with fire in her eyes. "I can't believe you went to the pub again!" she says.

"I didn't!" he retorts.

"Yes you did! And you even threw up all over your shirt!" He looks down and sees puke on his shirt. "No," he states, "some guy threw up on me and paid me $5 to have the shirt cleaned. The money's in my shirt pocket!"

She reaches in and pulls out a $10 bill. "If he paid you $5 for your shirt, then why is there a $10 in your pocket?"

"Well, he also took a crap in my pants."

[Jack Hammer]

Little Johnny was sitting in his Sunday School class, conducted by Sister Mathilde. The lesson plan for the day called for the sister to utilize the scriptures to teach the children about mortality, and the necessity of using one’s life for a good and valuable purpose.

“Now, children,” she announced, “we all know that life is not forever, and that while we are here on Earth we must use our limited time in a valuable way. When you are in your casket, and friends and family are grieving over you and mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?”

Ricky raised his hand.

“Yes, Ricky?” called out Sister Mathilde.

“Sister,” responded Ricky, “I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, healed the sick, and that I was kind to my family.”

“That’s excellent, Ricky,” Sister Mathilde commented. “Anyone else?”

Patty raised her hand.

“Yes, Patty?” called Sister Mathilde.

“Sister,” said Patty, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful wife and a school teacher who made a huge difference to our children of tomorrow.”

“That’s very commendable, Patty,” responded Sister Mathilde.

Then Little Johnny raised his hand, and, reluctantly, Sister Mathilde called on him.

“Yes, Johnny?” she said. “What would you like for them to say about you?”

“Sister,” Little Johnny answered, “I would like to hear them say, ‘Look! He’s moving!’”

At the same school, it was somewhat later in the year that a special day had been declared – Teacher’s Day – and Miss Smith was receiving gifts from her pupils.

The florist’s son handed her a wrapped gift, and, as she received it, she said with a warm smile, “I bet I know what it is – some flowers.”

“How did you know?” asked the young child.

“Just a guess,” Miss Smith replied with a knowing smile.

The candy store owner’s daughter next gave Miss Smith a small box.

Miss Smith shook it.

“I can guess,” she smiled again, “it’s a box of candy.”

“Yes!” said the little girl. “How did you know that, Miss Smith?”

“Just a lucky guess,” winked the savvy teacher.

Next, Little Johnny, whose father owned a wine shop, approached with a large, gift-wrapped box. When Miss Smith shook it, the package started leaking. She touched her finger to the leak and tasted it.

“Is it wine?”

Little Johnny shook his head, “No, teacher.”

She tasted again.

“Champagne?”

“No, Miss Smith,” said the boy.

“I give up,” said Miss Smith. “What is it?”

‘Oh, Miss Smith,” exclaimed Little Johnny, “it’s a puppy!”

[Jack Hammer]

A Marine gets out of the Corps and begins to enjoy the American dream. However, when the War in Iraq comes around forty years later, he goes down to the recruiting station, and tells the recruiter, “I want in. I want to fight.”

The recruiter, however, declines the offer of service, saying, “I’m sorry, Gunny, but you’re just too darn old.”

“Fine,” the guy replies. “If that’s your attitude, I’ll go straight to the Pentagon. I have a friend there, and he’ll see I’m let in.”

So he goes to the Pentagon and tells his friend, “I want in. I want to fight.”

Once again, however, the response is the same, and his friend tells him, “Sorry, Gunny, but you’re just too darn old.”

“Fine,” the guy says once more. “In that case, I’ll buy a boat and row to Iraq.”

So he goes out and buys himself a rowboat and starts rowing to Iraq, chanting, “Semper Fi, Do or Die, OO-Rah, OO-Rah!” over and over again.

St. Peter sees all this and reports to his Boss, saying, “What should I do to stop this hard-charging Marine?”

“Peter,” comes the answer, “you should take his brain; it’s the source of all his thoughts.”

So St. Peter takes the guy’s brain, but it doesn’t faze him. On and on he rows, chanting, “Semper Fi, Do or Die, OO-Rah, OO-Rah!”

“Now what!” exclaims St. Peter.

“Peter,” comes the answer, “why don’t you take his heart? It’s the seat of all his emotions.”

So St. Peter takes the guy’s heart, but it doesn’t faze him. On and on he rows, chanting, “Semper Fi, Do or Die, OO-Rah, OO-Rah!”

“Now what!” blurts St. Peter.

“Peter,” comes the answer, “take his gonads.”

So St. Peter lops off the guy’s gonads.

Immediately the guy stops rowing, looks around himself in confusion, begins to row his boat in circles, and commences chanting, “Off we go, into the wild blue yonder...”

[SoldierDad]

A case of Schlitz.

Ah, Schlitz - the Big Girls beer.

[Jack Hammer]

Tom, a handsome young fellow, walked into the bar around 9:45 PM and sat down next to a blonde staring up at the TV. The 10:00 news soon came on and featured the story of a man on the ledge of a large building who was preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Tom and said, “Do you think he’ll jump?”

Tom said, “You know, I bet he’ll jump.”

The blonde replied, “Well, I bet he won’t.”

Hearing this, Tom placed a twenty-dollar bill on the bar and said, “You’re on!”

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building and fell to his death.

The blonde was upset, but willingly handed her twenty dollars to Tom, saying, “Fair’s fair; here’s your money.”

Tom smiled knowingly, then replied, “I’m afraid I can’t really take it. You see, I watched the news at five PM and knew he’d jump.”

“Oh, I did, too, “the blond replied. “I just didn’t think he’d do it again.”

With that, Tom took the money.

[Jack Hammer]

An airliner was having engine trouble, so the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and prepare for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

“All set back here, Captain,” came the reply, “except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards.”

[prisoner6]

BOTH! although I have to admit the "real" traditional kilts are a bit pricey for me. Instead I go with Stillwater and Frugal Corner. Amerikilts and Utilikilts are also in my closet along with a couple my Wife made.

Here are a couple of pics...they're thumbnails so click to enlarge.

A good friend and I at work before the Super Bowl a couple of years ago. I'm wearing an Amerikilt.

And my youngest son and I 4 wheelin' in our Durango late this past Spring.

Sorry about the pic quality...it's all I had on hand.

I often wonder how many other FReepers wear kilts.

prisoner6

[Jack Hammer]

A man was walking down the beach, when he came across an old bottle. Curious, he picked it up and began to rub the sand from its surface. With a puff of smoke, out pops a genie.

“Oh, Master,” the genie said, “thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return for your kindness, I will grant you three wishes.”

“Really?” the man crowed. “Hey, this is great! First, I want one billion dollars in a Swiss bank account.”

Poof! There was a flash of light, and a piece of paper with account numbers written on it appeared in his hand.

“Next,” he continued, “I want a brand new, red Ferrari right here.”

Poof! There was a flash of light, and a bright red brand-new Ferrari appeared right next to him.

“Finally,” he continued, “I want to be irresistible to women.”

Poof! There was a flash of light, and in the man’s place there was a sign that read, “All merchandise, fifty percent off.”

[Jack Hammer]

One pleasant autumn afternoon, two old ladies, Lucinda and Bernice, decided to have a portrait taken, in order to send a copy to their many friends and relatives around the country. Accordingly, they got into their old black Ford and drove into town.

Arriving at the photographic studio, they walked through the door, whereupon the photographer, temporarily busy with some paperwork, greeted them and asked them to take a seat.

Unfortunately, Bernice was slightly deaf, and she turned to Lucinda and asked, “What did he say?”

“He said we should have a seat!” called out Lucinda.

“Oh,” said Bernice, sitting.

Having finished his administrative chores, the photographer ushered them into position in front of the camera, saying, “Ladies, could you please sit closer together so I can focus?”

“What did he say?” said Bernice.

“He said he wants to focus!” called out Lucinda.

Hearing these words, Bernice pulled up her dress and began rolling down her stockings with a bright smile, gushing, “What, both of us?”

[radiohead]

It is really, really, late and time to stop reading these jokes.

I wondered why taking her stockings off would help the woman focus.

[Jack Hammer]

Pinocchio had found himself a human girlfriend, but she would sometimes complain about splinters whenever they made love. The little wooden puppet therefore went to visit Gepetto, the carpenter who had built Pinocchio, to see if the craftsman could help.

“Hello, Pinocchio!” called out Gepetto, when the little man hove into sight. “How are you today?”

“Hello, Gepetto,” replied Pinocchio, “I’m fine, thank you, but I have a small problem. I’ve found myself a human girlfriend, and we get along very well. But, actually, whenever we make love she complains about the splinters. Can you help me?”

“Well, Pinocchio,” Gepetto answered. “Here’s all you need to do. Try rubbing your member with a sheet of number one, extra-fine sandpaper.”

Thanking Gepetto for this good advice, Pinocchio skipped away enlightened and happy.

A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, “Hello, Pinocchio! How’s the girlfriend?”

With a carefree laugh, Pinocchio replied, “Hello, Gepetto; who needs a girlfriend!”

[Fair Paul]

An Irishman walks out of a bar.

[Jack Hammer]

Maybe you’ll get it if you focus.

[Jack Hammer]

In the year 2030, a handsome and adventurous man and his attractive girlfriend decided to become astronauts. Due to their high intelligence and excellent education, they were selected for the first manned expedition to Mars. The flight went without a hitch, and, after a long trip together, they found themselves at last on the surface of that distant planet.

Oddly enough, they were greeted by a Martian couple, and a great deal of excited conversation and cultural exchange followed. At length, and in the course of this discussion, the subject of sex was mentioned.

“Just how do you people do it, anyway?” asked the beautiful lady astronaut.

“Well,” responded the Martian woman, “I think we must do it in a similar way to you. How do you do it?”

This topic dominated the discussion for quite a while, but finally it was agreed that the best way to understand the differences and similarities would be to swap partners for the night and experience one another’s customs.

With this in mind, and with the Martian night falling, the female astronaut went off with the Martian man, while the handsome man went with the Martian woman.

Arriving in the Martian man’s bedroom, the woman waited as her lover for the night stripped off his Martian clothes. When he was fully naked, however, she saw that, unfortunately, he had only a teeny, weeny organ, about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.

“I don’t think this is going to work,” she said.

“Why?” asked the Martian. “What’s the matter?”

“Well,” she replied. “I’m afraid it’s your… your… That!” she blurted out at last, pointing to his member. “It’s just not long enough to reach me!”

“No problem,” he answered her. With those words, he proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap, his member grew longer, until it was more than eight inches.

“Well!” said the girl. “That’s quite impressive, but, you know… well… I mean… it’s still pretty narrow.”

“No problem,” he said. With that, he started pulling his ears, and, with each pull, his item grew wider and wider, until the entire measurement was an extreme turn-on to the excited woman.

“Wow!” she exclaimed, and they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoined their normal partners and went their separate ways; the astronauts to explore the planet, the Martians back to their ordinary jobs.

As the two astronauts walked along, taking soil and mineral samples for analysis, the man finally asked his companion, “Well, was it any good?”

“I hate to say it,” said the woman, “but, yes, it was, indeed, pretty good. In fact, it was great! How about you?”

“It was horrible,” the man replied with a sour expression on his face. “All night long that Martian woman kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.”