Meanwhile, Santa retires on an Australian beach with Mrs. Claus.
Click the Picture Upper Class Twit of the Year
Q What happened when the snowgirl fell out with the snowboy?
A She gave him the cold shoulder!
Q What do snowmen wear on their heads?
A Ice caps!
Sorry about your computer. TFTP!
Ahh--back in the States again!
I assume everyone has seen this, but I just got it and had a great Friday morning laugh over it. Gotta love the Little Johnny jokes:
One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did
for a living. All the typical answers came up -fireman, mechanic,
businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.
But little Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the
teacher prodded him about his father, he replied:
"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off his clothes
in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if
the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and make love
with him for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly sent the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Johnny
aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and
is helping to secure the Nomination of Hillary Clinton in 2008, but I
was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."
Dear Alcohol,
First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours.
As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed.
The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holidays, hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in
the midst of endless family gatherings.
However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions.
While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:
1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat hot wings along with a sausage with cheese,onion and mustard (washed down with four Jagerbombs & topped off with a Kit kat after a full bag of Doritos)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this rime.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do something to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.
4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken ie water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.
In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.
Thank you,
Your biggest fan
I don't think I got a ping today...
