Replies

Catholic Humor:

A married Irishman went into theconfessional and said to his priest, "I almost
had an affair with another woman."
>The priest said, "What do you mean,almost?"
>The Irishman said, "Well, we gotundressed and rubbed together, but then I
stopped."
>
>The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to
see thatwoman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the
poorbox."
>The Irishman left the confessional, saidhis prayers, and then walked over to
the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started toleave. The priest, who
was watching , quickly ran over to him saying,"I saw that. You didn't put any
money in the poor box!"
>
>The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to
you, that'sthe same as putting it in!"
>
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>There once was a religious young womanwho went to Confession. Upon entering the
confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, forI have sinned."
>T hepriest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
>
>The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me
seventimes."
>
>The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a
glass and thendrink the juice."
>The young woman asked, "Will thiscleanse me of my sins?"
>The priest said, "No, but it willwipe that smile off of your face."
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>A man was just waking up from anesthesiaafter surgery, and his wife was sitting
by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said,"You're beautiful."
>Then hefell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that before, so
shestayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said,
"You're cute."
>The wife was disappointed because insteadof "beautiful," it was now "cute."
>
>She asked, "What happened to beautiful?"
>The man replied, "The drugs arewearing off."
>

>
>Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.
One day the dogdied, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father,
my dog is dead. Could ya' besaying' a mass for the poo r creature?"
>Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraidnot; we cannot have services for an animal
in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, andthere's no tellin'
what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for thecreature."
>Muldoon said, "I'll go right awayFather. Do ya 'think $5,000 is enough to
donate to them for theservice?"
>Father Patrick exclaimed, "SweetMary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me
the dog was Catholic?"
>
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>An elderly man walks into a confessional.The following conversation ensues:
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years,many
children,grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two
college girls,hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them
threetimes."
>Priest: "Are you sorry for yoursins?"
>Man: "What sins?"
>Priest: "What kind of a Catholic areyou?"
>Man: "I'm Jewish."
>Priest: "Why are you telling me allthis?"
>Man: "I'm 92 years old .. I'mtelling everybody."
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>A woman was having a passionate affairwith an inspector from a pest-control
company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together whenher
husbandarrived home unexpectedly.
>"Quick," said the woman to thelover,"into the closet!" and she pushed him in
the closet, stark naked.
>The husband, however, became suspiciousand after a search of the bedroom
discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?"he asked him.
>"I'm an inspector fromBugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
>"What are you doing in there?"the husband asked.
>"I'm investigating a complaint aboutan infestation of moths," the man replied.
>"And where are your clothes?"asked the husband.
>The man looked down at himself and said, "Those littlebastards!"

FF (Favorite FReeper) ping....

Hey everyone, it's "AnOldCowhand's" birthday today! Stop in at the O.F.S.T. and wish him a good one!

Subject: The International Council of Manlaws, Ltd

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following

circumstances:

(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.

(c) After wrecking your boss's car.

(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".

(e) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be

legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a

friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is

off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However, complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man's shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for

another man. In fact , even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of

the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops,

not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when

you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

11: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

12: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

13: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem. You didn't see

anything.

14: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

15: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman

must remain sober enough to fight.

16: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice

of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

17: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be

talking about his choice of beer.

18: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of

yours, except if she's withholding s#x pending your response.

19: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting

weights:

a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!

b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!

c) Another set, and we can hit the showers!

20: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal

footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other

situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation

you need.

21: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on

longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

22: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a

friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

23: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not

acceptable for her to drive yours.

24: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime

green, or orange.

25: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for

Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

26: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's

Gymnastics. Ever.

27: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you

really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:

"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys,

being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys

smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say, "You're next!"

We hope this clears up any confusion,

The International Council of Manlaws, Ltd.