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Catholic Humor:

A married Irishman went into theconfessional and said to his priest, "I almost
had an affair with another woman."
>The priest said, "What do you mean,almost?"
>The Irishman said, "Well, we gotundressed and rubbed together, but then I
stopped."
>
>The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to
see thatwoman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the
poorbox."
>The Irishman left the confessional, saidhis prayers, and then walked over to
the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started toleave. The priest, who
was watching , quickly ran over to him saying,"I saw that. You didn't put any
money in the poor box!"
>
>The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to
you, that'sthe same as putting it in!"
>
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>There once was a religious young womanwho went to Confession. Upon entering the
confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, forI have sinned."
>T hepriest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
>
>The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me
seventimes."
>
>The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a
glass and thendrink the juice."
>The young woman asked, "Will thiscleanse me of my sins?"
>The priest said, "No, but it willwipe that smile off of your face."
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>A man was just waking up from anesthesiaafter surgery, and his wife was sitting
by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said,"You're beautiful."
>Then hefell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that before, so
shestayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said,
"You're cute."
>The wife was disappointed because insteadof "beautiful," it was now "cute."
>
>She asked, "What happened to beautiful?"
>The man replied, "The drugs arewearing off."
>

>
>Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.
One day the dogdied, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father,
my dog is dead. Could ya' besaying' a mass for the poo r creature?"
>Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraidnot; we cannot have services for an animal
in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, andthere's no tellin'
what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for thecreature."
>Muldoon said, "I'll go right awayFather. Do ya 'think $5,000 is enough to
donate to them for theservice?"
>Father Patrick exclaimed, "SweetMary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me
the dog was Catholic?"
>
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>An elderly man walks into a confessional.The following conversation ensues:
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years,many
children,grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two
college girls,hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them
threetimes."
>Priest: "Are you sorry for yoursins?"
>Man: "What sins?"
>Priest: "What kind of a Catholic areyou?"
>Man: "I'm Jewish."
>Priest: "Why are you telling me allthis?"
>Man: "I'm 92 years old .. I'mtelling everybody."
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>A woman was having a passionate affairwith an inspector from a pest-control
company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together whenher
husbandarrived home unexpectedly.
>"Quick," said the woman to thelover,"into the closet!" and she pushed him in
the closet, stark naked.
>The husband, however, became suspiciousand after a search of the bedroom
discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?"he asked him.
>"I'm an inspector fromBugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
>"What are you doing in there?"the husband asked.
>"I'm investigating a complaint aboutan infestation of moths," the man replied.
>"And where are your clothes?"asked the husband.
>The man looked down at himself and said, "Those littlebastards!"