Posted on 11/03/2006 12:27:26 AM PST by sully777
"Mickey Mouse, Al Kaholic and Mike Bibby will not be elected as write-in candidates, so Mr. Funnyman, you might as well forget about casting votes for them this November.
What may be funny to you, election officials say, isn't funny to them -- because the off-the-cuff write-in votes take a lot of extra time to count, delaying unofficial election night results for hours and final results for days after the election..." [Snip]
(Excerpt) Read more at sacbee.com ...
I got it.
Tool Users Guide:
1. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your coffee across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.
2. WIRE WHEEL - (insert into drill): Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "SH**!!!"
3. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
4. PLIERS: Used to round off hexagonal bolt heads.
5. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle: It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
6. VISE GRIP PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
7. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various flammable objects in your workshop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a wheel hub you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
8. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2" socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
9. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
10. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 4X4: Used to attempt to lever an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.
11. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing splinters of wood, especially Douglas fir.
12. TELEPHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
13. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for removing dog faeces from your boots.
14. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
15. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of bolts and fuel lines you forgot to disconnect.
16. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.
17. AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
18. TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which is not otherwise found under bikes at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading (apart from the first bit).
19. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and squirt oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off the interiors of Phillips screw heads.
20. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to an Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 80 years ago by someone at Honda, and rounds them off.
21. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
22. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
23. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
24. STANLEY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing upholstered items, leather jackets, chrome-plated metal, plastic parts and the other hand not holding the knife.
Reminds me of my trip to the grocery store yesterday - on every parking aisle - there were 2 spaces marked "reserved for customers with children", okay, I understand that, but then I thought to myself, how come they don't also have spaces marked "reserved for customers needing a gallon of milk and a loaf of bread only" or "reserved for customers on the verge of meltdown over looking for a parking space"....
I think it would work.
I park in those "reserved" spaces anyway
I have kids they just may not be with me at the time.
Well, I do see that it's held in place by...what are those...
Costco Vodka (over by the batteries).
Seen at the reliably crunchy San Gregorio Post Office & General Store, San Gregorio CA:
(the 2nd book was "Plan B 2.0," by the same author.)
To their credit they had a few of these for sale:
Funny Ubuntu 6.10 ("the Edgy Eft") error message:
F R O M T H E P U B . . .
( 1 9 8 7 – 1 9 9 9 ) .
BY JONATHAN GIBBS
- - - -
. . . we wobbled and raced our bikes along the raised roadway that wound its route through the absolute dark of the Fens, dangerously lined on either verge by barely visible trees, following the one or two faint torch beams held by those at the front of the group.
. . . we lay ourselves down spread-eagled on our backs on Nine Ashes Road, where it dipped across the fields towards the sunken village — a dare to the traffic, or to the cold surveillance of the million stars.
. . . we came suddenly upon the breathtaking view of Manchester, dot-to-dotted in a million points of light below our camping site on the moortop — where all, prior to nightfall, had been invisible, whether in cloud, mist or distance I could not say.
. . . I failed over the short distance from the door to her driveway — on my first evening out with the old friends after being abroad for six months — to engineer a moment alone with her, and was told, later on the walk home, that she had thought my letter was awful, arrogant and pretentious, and wouldn't see me again.
. . . I posted a still-lit cigarette stub into a red pillar box, and was surprised to find my companions appalled, not thrilled, by my depravity.
. . . we bought two kebabs a-piece, one for now, one for halfway home, but I ate mine both straight away, in an sickening feat of gluttony.
. . . I rapped my furled umbrella (the first full-sized model I had ever possessed) on the lamp posts of Clermont-Ferrand as I passed, in homage to Gene Kelly, and ruined it in the process.
. . . I was fine, straining to preserve absolute stillness but fine, on the bus, but threw up dramatically, efficiently, into the pavement excavation at the corner of our street.
. . . she was fine, standing and swaying in polite conversation but fine, on the bus, and considered a while on the sofa before agreeing to share my bed with me for the night.
. . . I bought a porn magazine in a 7-11, which, chosen in haste, and turning out to be quite devoid of beauty or taste to sugar its basic pleasures, got one use before being put — not self-disgustedly, but just . . . disgustedly — straight into the flat bins the next morning.
My fave news story, which I've referenced many times (use "Kerry party tears bitterness" in search engine):
Boston (CNSNews.com) - As President George Bush edged closer to the 270 electoral votes necessary to secure re-election, supporters of Democratic nominee John Kerry openly wept and consoled each other at the Election Night celebration in Boston's Copley Square. Some Kerry supporters called Bush's platform "all lies" and heckled a group of College Republicans who were passing through the crowd.
A distraught woman confronted Democratic U.S. Rep. Harold Ford in the lobby of the Fairmont Copley Plaza Hotel and screamed, "Can you tell me why everybody made a mistake?" Ford responded, "Let me talk to the candidate before I make a comment. It's been a long day."
Another woman standing near Ford began to openly weep at the prospect of a Kerry loss.
When CNSNews.com asked (Gray Davis) why he had confidently predicted a Kerry victory just a few hours earlier, Davis responded, "I, like many people saw the exit polls, which saw Kerry ahead in every battleground state. We believed they were a precursor of a great evening."
("Can I be the first to call you--Mr. President?"--Bob Shrum.)
(Article describes Kerry fans as being arrogant and calling Bush supporters stupid.)
Another man shouted to the Republicans "This is why the rest of the world calls us ignorant Americans. You obviously don't read the newspapers or you would not believe as you do."
A woman, unhappy the Republicans were there, screamed, "someone shut up those idiots.' (speak for yourself, lady!)
Brian Henchey, one of the College Republicans marching through the crowd told CNSNews.com that he had "never seen more sad and depressed faces in my life than what I have seen here in Copley Square tonight."
Kerry supporters from Ireland weighed in on why they believe Bush will likely be re-elected.
"It clarifies the fact that American people aren't so smart. If I could, I would have voted for Kerry," said the woman.
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