Oldie but goodie...why English teachers die young

funny | n/a | unknown

[meandog]

Subject: Why English teachers die young?

Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners.....

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2.. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie,surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

21. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

22. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

23. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

24. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

[JamesP81]

This is too derivative of Douglas Adams. This must have been a contest to write the worst analogy. Most of these look like they were written with that in mind, rather than unintentionally.

You may be right. In fact, re-read #9 except imagine it being spoken by a narrarator with an english accent.

[SoothingDave]

"Like I always say, 'If you want something done right, kill Baldrick before you begin.'"

[groovejedi]

It's a nice night for an evening.

[jocon307]

"17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River."

That is TOO GOOD! Having grown up by the East River I can really appreciate this one!

[LukeL]

Yeah and who would want to make them up, that would just be a waste of everyone's time.

[Slings and Arrows]

Those are not from high-school essays - they are entries from the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, where writers compete to write the worst opening sentence for a novel. Still bad, but intentionally so.

[Irish_Thatcherite]

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

By Linda Lovelace....

[Harmless Teddy Bear]

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

I like this one. Does that mean I have no taste?

[Slings and Arrows]

I like this one. Does that mean I have no taste?

It means you do have taste, just like vegetable soup.

[MikefromOhio]

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

LOL!!

[JRios1968]

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

[Welsh Rabbit]

This is too derivative of Douglas Adams.

Some of them reminds me of Jack Handy's sort of humor (Deep Thoughts from SNL). I also agree that all of these were intentionally written to be bad/funny.

[mikrofon]

All the analogies above (verbatim) and more on this page.

[phantomworker]

That's cute.

[ovrtaxt]

Her rear end had that full textured movement, like a bag of doorknobs swinging from a bungee.

[martin_fierro]

These similes are as thought-provoking as "A Wellsley Wench" (Part 1) (Part 2)

[Vision]

My favorite

"Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do."

[NonZeroSum]

They're not analogies--they're similes...

[G8 Diplomat]

LOL I've seen this before!

But actually, given the quality of English taught these days, it's more like "Why English STUDENTS die young"

[G8 Diplomat]

Actual excerpts from college application essays:

"I was on the honor role every year in high school"

"I was indicted into the National Honors Society" <--that one's hilarious! (they meant to write "inducted")