Silly Songs: I Love My Lips
Posted on 09/01/2006 12:50:57 AM PDT by sully777
It's been a long summer. The workload has increased as the hairline decreased. There is a change in the weather this week that seems to mark the start of autumn. Time to push aside the paperwork, the reports, the bills, and the everyday world of life. Time to start something nutty...
That's a little creepy. She looks 16 in that first photo, and in the last.
The History Of The World According To Actual Grade School Student Exam Papers:
1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in Hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached
Canada.
3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had Myths. A Myth is a female moth.
5. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
6. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death his career suffered a dramatic decline.
7. Eventually the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for long.
8. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made King. Dying he gasped out: 'Tee hee, Brutus'
9. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
10. Another story was William Tell who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his sons head.
11. Queen Elizabeth was the 'Virgin Queen' As a Queen she was a great success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted, "hurrah,"
12. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of the blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.
13. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and
hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
14. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
15. One of the causes of the revolutionary war was the English put tacks in their tea. Also the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the war and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the contented congress. Thomas Jefferson, a virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers
of the declaration of independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, 'A horse
divided against itself cannot stand' Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
16. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practised on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German and half Italian and half English. He was very large.
17. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from this.
18. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steam boat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
19.Louis Paster discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Mark Brothers.
20. The first world war, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
She's 22 now.
When a mother saw a thunderstorm forming in mid-afternoon, she worried about her seven-year-old daughter who would be walking the three blocks from school to home, so she went out to meet her. The lightning was flashing frequently. It wasn't long before the mother saw her little daughter ahead, and she observed that the child was walking nonchalantly along, but whenever lightning flashed, her little girl would stop to smile broadly. Finally, the little girl saw her mother ahead, and the child ran to meet her. "Mother, Mother", she said enthusiastically, "All the way home, God's been taking my picture!"
INSUFFICIENTLY SILLY!
Just seeing if ya'll are payin' attention...
New Excuses: These are actual excuse notes from parents (including original spelling) collected by Nisheeth Parekh, University Texas Medical Branch at Galveston.
My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 29, 29, 30, and also 33.
Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
Please excuse Burma, she was sick and under the doctor.
Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
MMMMMMM BOOMER.
The Pope & the Rabbi Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the
Jews had to convert, or leave Italy.
There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a
deal.
He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community.
If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they would
have to leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged, but wise Rabbi Moishe to
represent them in the debate. However, Moishe spoke no Italian, and the
Pope spoke no Yiddish, so they all agreed that it would be a "silent"
debate.
On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other a
full minute before the Pope raised his hand. He showed three fingers.
Rabbi Moishe looked back. He raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.
Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared he was beaten.
Rabbi Moishe was too clever and the Jews could stay.
Later, the Cardinal met with the Pope, asking what had happened.
The Pope said, "First, I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity.
He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still but
one God common to both our beliefs.
"Then, I waved my finger to show him that God was all around us.
He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right
here with us.
I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our
sins. "He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.
He had me beaten, and I could not continue."
Meanwhile, the Jewish community was gathered around Rabbi Moishe. "How did
you win the debate?" they asked.
"I haven't a clue," said Moishe.
"First, he tells me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave
him the finger.
Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I
said to him 'We're staying right here.'"
"Then what happened?" asked a woman.
"Who knows?" said Moishe. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine."
Thank you. There some moe good ones on the other page.
Thank you. There some more good ones on the other page.
GOOD ONE.
OLD FRED
Old Fred's hospital bed is surrounded by well-wishers, but it doesn't look good. Suddenly, he motions frantically to the pastor for something to write on.
The pastor lovingly hands him a pen and a piece of paper, and Fred uses his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then dies.
The pastor thinks it best not to look at the note right away, so he places it in his jacket pocket..
At Fred's funeral, as the pastor is finishing his eulogy, he realizes he's wearing the jacket he was wearing when Fred died.
"Fred handed me a note just before he died," he says. "I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration in it for us all."
Opening the note, he reads aloud, "Move! You're standing on my oxygen hose!"
The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces. These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma, Tennessee and Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music, or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
6. Their favorite movie is "BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN."
We expect the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.
Have you heard about the plastic surgeon;
He hung himself
Dude, let's go get crazee ebriated tonight. I'll order us some waters, and we'll go nuts!
A man goes to the Doctor with a piece of lettuce hanging out of his ear.
"That looks nasty," says the doctor.
"Nasty?!?" replies the man, "this is just the tip of the iceberg."
Then the doctor noticed the carrot sticking out of his nose. He said, "You're not eating properly."
There has been notheing but chaos and confusion in my world and I am looking towards a Friday, one Friday, any Friday where I can just goof off and visit the OFST with no other issues in the background.
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