mornin' everyone!
Just a quick post before I go, Mrs. BJClinton and I are off to the doctor to find what kind of spawn we can expect!
In before 100?
Why do lawyers wear tight ties?
So their foreskin doesn't creep up and cover their face.
What's the difference between a dead lawyer on a street and a dead dog on the street?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.
What's black and brown and look great on lawyers?
Dobermans
What's the difference between a Rooster and a Lawyer?
A rooster clucks defiance.
What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
One in 50,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
Why does the American Bar Association prohibit sex between attorneys and their clients?
To prevent the client for being billed twice for what is essentially the same service.
Why do they bury lawyers 27 feet under?
'Cuz deep, deep down, they're good people!
What's the difference between a Catfish and a lawyer?
One is a scum sucking bottom dweller, and the other is a fish.
Why does California have the most lawyers and New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps?
New Jersey had first pick.
How can you tell when a lawyer is well hung?
When you can't get your finger between the noose and his neck.
What the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
The prostitute quits after you're dead!
What's the difference between a porcupine and two lawyers in a BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
Their lips move.
How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.
How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
Take your foot off it's head
What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
The bucket.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a duck?
Occasionally a duck will stick its bill up its ass.
If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
It might be your bicycle.
What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
Their personalities.
Good morning all!
Late getting in.....
The BAPTIST COWGIRL
A cowgirl, who is visiting Texas from Arkansas, walks into a bar and
orders three mugs of Bud. She sits in the back of the room, drinking
a sip out of each one in turn. When she finishes them, she comes
back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and
tells the cowgirl, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste
better if you bought one at a time."
The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters.
One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin. When we all left our
home in Arkansas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember
the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my
sisters and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a
nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and
always drinks the same way. She orders three mugs and drinks them in
turn. One day, she comes in and orders only two mugs. All the
regulars take notice and fall silent. When she comes back to the bar
for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your
grief, but wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in
her eyes and she laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," she
explains, "It's just that my husband and I joined the Baptist Church and I had
to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my sisters though."
Just got this in an email:
I just got my new Lexus RX400H, and returned to the dealer the next day, complaining that I couldn't figure out how the radio worked
The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated. "Watch this!" He said, "Nelson!
The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"
"Willie!" He continued...and On The Road Again ! came from the speakers.
I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, "Beethoven!" I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, "Beatles!" I'd get one of their awesome songs.
One day, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car, but I swerved in time to avoid them. I yelled..... "A**HOLES!"
The French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Michael Moore, backed up by John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums and Bill Clinton on sax....
Damn, I LOVE this car
Brotherly Advice
"Didn't you follow my advice about kissing your girlfriend when she least expects it?" asked the older brother.
"Oh, no!" replied the younger sibling with a swollen eye. I thought you said 'where'!"
FREE Fridge!
My father-in-law bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his
old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it
saying "Free to good home, You want it you take it".
For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking
twice at it....
Evenutally, my father-in-law decided that people were too untrusting
of the deal, that it looked "too good to be true"...
So he changed the sign to read "Fridge for sale -- $50".
The next day someone stole it.