Good morning all!
Late getting in.....
The BAPTIST COWGIRL
A cowgirl, who is visiting Texas from Arkansas, walks into a bar and
orders three mugs of Bud. She sits in the back of the room, drinking
a sip out of each one in turn. When she finishes them, she comes
back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and
tells the cowgirl, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste
better if you bought one at a time."
The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters.
One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin. When we all left our
home in Arkansas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember
the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my
sisters and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a
nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and
always drinks the same way. She orders three mugs and drinks them in
turn. One day, she comes in and orders only two mugs. All the
regulars take notice and fall silent. When she comes back to the bar
for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your
grief, but wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in
her eyes and she laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," she
explains, "It's just that my husband and I joined the Baptist Church and I had
to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my sisters though."
FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN
The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is
at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are
closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.
St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We
have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is
filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance
examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you
can get into Heaven."
Forrest responds, "It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But
nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test
ain't too hard Life was a big enough test as it was."
St. Peter continued, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only
three questions.
First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
Third: What is God's first name?"
Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day
and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, "Now that you have had a
chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."
Forrest replied, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week
begins with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today
and Tomorrow."
The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, "Forrest, that is not
what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not
specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the
next one?" asked St. Peter.
"How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder," replied
Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be
twelve."
Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's
name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forrest replied, "Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd,
February 2nd, March 2nd.... "
"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you are going with
this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in
mind....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us
go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first
name"?
"Sure," Forrest replied, "it's Andy."
"Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.
"Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first
two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name
Andy as the first name of God?"
"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I
learnt it from the song, "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS
ME I AM HIS OWN. . . "