FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN
The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is
at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are
closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.
St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We
have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is
filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance
examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you
can get into Heaven."
Forrest responds, "It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But
nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test
ain't too hard Life was a big enough test as it was."
St. Peter continued, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only
three questions.
First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
Third: What is God's first name?"
Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day
and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, "Now that you have had a
chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."
Forrest replied, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week
begins with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today
and Tomorrow."
The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, "Forrest, that is not
what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not
specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the
next one?" asked St. Peter.
"How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder," replied
Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be
twelve."
Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's
name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forrest replied, "Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd,
February 2nd, March 2nd.... "
"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you are going with
this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in
mind....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us
go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first
name"?
"Sure," Forrest replied, "it's Andy."
"Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.
"Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first
two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name
Andy as the first name of God?"
"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I
learnt it from the song, "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS
ME I AM HIS OWN. . . "
A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They
turned on a night light, turned on the phone answering machine, covered their
pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and
the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put
out into the yard scoots back into the house.
They don't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat
the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get
the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, the wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will
be empty for the night. She explains to the driver that her husband will be
out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long",
he says as they drive away. "Stupid b&^%h was hiding under the bed.
Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to
take off so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to
keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat a$$ downstairs and
threw her out into the back yard!"
…The cab driver ran into a parked car…