Posted on 02/03/2006 6:49:46 AM PST by Xenophobic Alien
OK well it looks like BJClinton took the day off again. Hope you are feeling better!
While visiting my mother in the hospital, I stopped in the cafeteria for breakfast. I set a piece of bread on the moving toaster rack and waited for it to pass under the heated coils and return golden brown.
Instead, it got stuck at the back of the toaster, and I couldn't reach it. The woman next to me in line quickly seized a pair of tongs, reached in, and fished out the piece of toast.
I joked, "You must be an emergency room worker."
"No," she replied with a grin. "I'm an obstetrician."
The the maze and let me know what level you get to
http://www.winterrowd.com/maze.swf
Besides, he has good hair. I think he and Jeb would make a great duo.
The first of the baby-boomers are starting to turn
sixty-years old. In honor of that occasion, a number
of popular songs of our era are in the process of being
revised to reflect conditions of the present day.
They include:
1. Herman's Hermits -- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a
Lovely Walker
2. The Bee Gees -- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip
3. Bobby Darin -- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash
4. Ringo Starr -- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends
5. Roberta Flack -- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face
6. Johnny Nash -- I Can't See Clearly Now
7. Paul Simon -- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
8. Commodores -- Once, Twice, Three Times to the
Bathroom
9. Marvin Gaye - Heard it through the Grape Nuts
10. Procol Harem -- A Whiter Shade of Hair
11. Leo Sayer -- You Make Me Feel Like Napping
12. The Temptations -- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone
13. Abba -- Denture Queen
14. Tony Orlando -- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling
If You Hear Me Fall
15. Helen Reddy -- I am Woman, Hear Me Snore
16. Willie Nelson -- On the Commode Again
17. Leslie Gore -- It's My Procedure and I'll Cry
if I Want to
That was great. I'll send you my ER bill. :-P
FUN!
Thank you.
OMG, that is messed up, lol.
I'm not too sure about someone I don't know a lot about. I could do research, sure, but I'm one of those who prefers one who is more known to the public, I s'pose.
Pretty much if they uphold the standards that Bush has set, along with doing more (a lot more) than he has regarding illegal immigration and protecting our borders, that's a good candidate.
If you do a search from Yahoo, are you having any problems with the results page loading?
Also, every freakin' picture that is being posted on this thread I have to right click, "show picture" the little red x.
Is there a slowdown going on in the internet world? Because of that new WORM, maybe?
Since Monday, both my work and home computer has sucked when loading things and both are "disease" free.
It's irritating. Ebay is slow to load too.
Ah.. Pinewood Derby, I presume.
Immigration is a critical part of our national heritage and economy. America is a nation of immigrants with the exception of Native Americans. For 120 years, people from around the world have been welcomed by the Statue of Liberty’s famous inscription, “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses, yearning to breathe free.”
Illegal immigration, however, not only disrespects our heritage of legal immigration, but is a threat to our nation's security. Across America, illegal immigration is placing a tremendous burden on local, state, and federal budgets.
Today, there are between 8-12 million illegal immigrants living in the United States. Tolerating illegal immigration undermines the rule of law, displaces American workers, causes wage depression for American workers and may allow terrorists to enter the country.
I firmly believe that the way to address America's illegal immigration problem is to secure our borders, strictly enforce immigration laws, and remove incentives to illegal immigration.
I support guarding our borders with armed guards and with unmanned drones. Drones are already being utilized to help us monitor portions of the border and would be most useful in the remote areas of the desert and mountains. During the latter part of the 108th Congress, Arizona began successfully using drones. I support extending the use of drones and military forces where needed.
Along with my efforts to secure the border I have:
Voted against legislation allowing for greater chain migration (chain migration is the ability for relatives to move to America or become U.S. citizens because a member of their family is a citizen).
Co-sponsored legislation to amend the Immigration and Nationality Act to deny citizenship at birth to children born in the U.S. to parents who are not citizens or permanent resident aliens.
Co-sponsored legislation to make English the official language of the United States. Learning to read, write, and speak English will help immigrants assimilate and take full advantage of the economic, occupational, and educational opportunities.
Introduced legislation to protect our health care system and federal agencies from undue expenses when treating foreigners who speak a language other than English.
As a member of the Homeland Security and Government Affairs Committee, I am working to ensure that agencies charged with protecting our nation from the threat of terrorism do not overlook securing or borders.
A LETTER TO BANK ABOUT A BOUNCED CHECK
Below is an actual letter sent to a Bank in the United States. The Bank Manager thought it amusing enough to circulate it and so do we.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds musthave elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, and arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account by $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness.
No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2002, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it. To this end, please be advised of the following changes:
I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, prerecorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your branch whom you must nominate.
You will be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course I will issue your employee a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours.
My Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice service:
Press buttons as follows:
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. The password will be communicated at a later date to the Authorized? Contact.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. This month I've chosen a refrain from "The Best of Woodie Guthrie: "Oh, the banks are made of marble, With a guard at every door, And the vaults are filled with silver, that the miners sweated for."
On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me.
Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is a matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from the Authorized Contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonored check, will be passed back to you.
My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute. You will be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your Humble Client,
(Name Withheld)
Proboscis monkey
Hope it gets better for you.
That was fun.
Mother's Tale
Mom's oldest loves school, but the younger brother absolutely hates it. One day as the minivan was delivering the kids hither and yon. The youngster cried and fretted and tried every excuse not to go back to school on Monday AM.
The crying and whining built to a crescendo. Mom. at the end of her rope, finally stopped the car and explained, "Honey, it's the law. If you don't go to school, they'll put Mommy in jail."
He looked at mom, thought for a moment (for that's all he could think for), then asked, "How long would you have to stay?"
PS- Alternate Freeper Mom ending.... Kid dies and is buried for mouthing of to Mom.... :-)
Need more cowbell... and more Maximus. Where's Max?
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.