Posted on 12/23/2005 5:39:40 AM PST by BJClinton
Happy Festivus Everyone! For those that don't know what Festivus is, here's a source:
Wikipedia
While it was actually invented (like Kwanzaa) in 1966 in a Reader's Digest column it was made popular by an episode of Seinfeld.
The Festivus Dinner you'll have to take care of yourself, but I've provided a festivus Pole:
The feats of strength and airing of grievances will be addressed downthread.
Happy Festivus!
1st?
Merry Christmas, y'all!
*snarl* Merry Christmas dammit! :)
FESTIVUS YES! BAGELS NO!
Crap!!! I forgot all about it. Now I gotta dig out that damn pole. I think he's in the garage somewhere.
Top 15!!!!
Christmas Operations Order
Date: Fri, 23 Dec 2005 12:20:01 - 0800 (PST)
From: OIC, Director of Christmas Operations
Subject: Ops order for Dec. 25 Christmas Operations Order: 12-24-05
Subject: Christmas
1. An official visit by Lt Gen Santa (NMI) Claus is expected at this headquarters 25 December 2005. The following instructions will be in effect and govern the activities of all personnel during the visit.
a. Not a creature will stir without official permission. This will include indigenous mice. Special stirring permits for necessary administrative actions will be obtained through normal channels. Mice stirring permits will be obtained through the Office of the Surgeon General, Veterinary Services.
b. Personnel will settle their brains for a long winter nap prior to 2200 hours, 24 December 2005. Uniform for the nap will be: Pajamas, cotton, light, drowsing, with kerchief, general purpose, camouflage; and Cap, camouflage w/ear flaps. Equipment will be drawn from CIF prior to 1900 hours, 24 December 2005.
c. Personnel will utilize standard field ration sugar plums for visions to dance through their heads. Artificially sweetened plums are authorized for those in their unit weight control program. Specifications for this item will be provided by the servicing dining facility.
d. Stockings, wool, cushion sole, will be hung by the chimney with care. Necessary safety precautions will be taken to avoid fire hazards caused by carelessly hung stockings. Unit Safety Officers will submit stocking hanging plans to this headquarters prior to 0800 hours, 24 December 2005, ATTN: DCSLOG, for approval.
e. At the first sign of clatter from the lawn, all troops will spring from their beds to evaluate noise and cause. Immediate action will be taken to tear open the shutters and throw open the window sashes. DCSOPS Plan (Saint Nick), Reference LO No. 3, paragraph 6c, this headquarters, 2 February 2000, will be in effect to facilitate shutter tearing and sash throwing. Division chiefs will familiarize all personnel with procedures and are responsible for ensuring that no shutters are torn open or window sashes thrown open prior to start of official clatter.
f. Prior to 2400, 24 December 2005, all personnel will be assigned "Wondering Eye" stations. After shutters are thrown open and sashes are torn, these stations will be manned.
g. The ODCSLOG will assign one each Sleigh, miniature, M-66, and eight (8) deer, rein, tiny, for use of Lt Gen Claus' driver who, IAW current directives and other applicable regulations, must have a valid SF 56 properly annotated by Driver Testing; be authorized rooftop parking and be able to shout "On Dasher, on Dancer, on Prancer and Vixen, up Comet, up Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen".
2. Lt Gen Claus will enter quarters through standard chimneys. All units without chimneys will draw Chimney Simulator, M-6, for use during ceremonies. Chimney simulator units will be requested on Engineer Job Order Request Form submitted to the Furniture Warehouse prior to 19 December 2005, and issued on DA Form 3161, Request for Issue or Turn-in.
3. Personnel will be rehearsed on shouting "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night." This shout will be given on termination of General Claus' visit. Uniformity of shouting is the responsibility of division chiefs.
//Original Signed//
CHRISTOPHER KRINGLE Colonel, USA OIC, Special Services
Get ready for TRIPLE-DOUBLE-DOG SILLINESS!
Titan Magroyne will be unable to attend as well and sent me his ribald contribution:
As Camilla was making last-minute preparations to walk down the aisle, she found that her shoes were missing. She was forced to borrow her sister's, which were a bit on the small side.
When the day's festivities were finally over, Charles and Camilla retired to their room, right next door to the Queen's and Prince Phillip's.
As soon as Charles and Camilla were inside their room, Camilla flopped on the bed and said, "Darling, please get these shoes off. My feet are killing me."
The ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked the right shoe with vigour, but it was stuck fast.
"Harder!" Camilla yelled. "Harder!"
"I'm trying, darling!" The Prince yelled back. "It's just so bloody tight!"
"Come on! Give it all you've got!"
There was a big groan from the Prince, and then Camilla exclaimed, "There! That's it! Oh that feels good! Oh that feels SOOO good!"
In the bedroom next door, the Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said, "See? I told you, with a face like that she was still a virgin."
Back in the bridal suite, Charles was trying to pry off the left shoe.
"Oh, my God, darling! This one's even tighter!" exclaimed the heir to the throne.
At which Prince Phillip turned to the Queen and said, "That's my boy. Once a Navy man, always a Navy man!"
That's easy. It says "Fish sheep a horse some sort of bird (stork?) moose 'sexual harassment panda' anthropomorphic transvestite hippo anorexic bison rudolph"
Truer words were never spoken.
fish ewe a mare 3 crane moose, panda hippo gnu deer.
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he remembers that
it's his daughter's birthday.
He pulls over to a toy store and asks the salesperson, "How much is the
Barbie on the display window?"
The salesperson answers, "Which one? We have: Workout Barbie for $19.95,
Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for
$19.95 or Divorced Barbie for $265.95".
The amazed father asks: "What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and
all the others only $19.95?"
The salesperson annoyingly answers : "Sir..., "Divorced Barbie comes
with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's
Computer and... One of Ken's Friends.
| You Christmas Stocking Will Be Filled with Money |
 Or Santa is trying to pay you off! |
Top 20? WHoo-HOO
Merry Christmas
I have my pole right here, hang on while I whip it out.
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