Happy Festivus!
1st?
*snarl* Merry Christmas dammit! :)
Crap!!! I forgot all about it. Now I gotta dig out that damn pole. I think he's in the garage somewhere.
Ë Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
Ë Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
Ë If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
Ë As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
Ë Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
Ë Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
Ë If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
Ë Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
Ë Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
Ë One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
Remember this motto to live by:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO what a ride!'"
No lie. It was all lit up 'n everything.
Fellow FReeper fatboy asked me to post this. Enjoy!
For my liberal friends:
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes
for
an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress,
non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice
holiday,
practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious
persuasion
of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for
the
religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their
choice
not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you
a
fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated
recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2006,
but
not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures
whose
contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply
that
America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only
America
in the Western Hemisphere. And without regard to the race, creed,
color,
age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the
wishee.
By accepting these greetings you are accepting these terms. This
greeting
is not subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely
transferable
with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by
the
wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for herself or himself
or
others, and is void where prohibited by law and is revocable at the
sole
discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected
within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year
or
until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes
first,
and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a
new
wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.
For my conservative friends:
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
And a most Joyous Celebrestival to you.