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What Your Beer Says About You
National Lampoon ^ | 1/2005 | staff

Posted on 07/29/2005 7:51:34 AM PDT by pissant

Keystone Light

You need 30 beers in one package but you only have $10. Also, for some reason you need to get drunk. There is a slight possibility that your taste buds were destroyed in some horrible accident during your days as a fire breather with a traveling freak show, enabling you to consume many Keystones without making a horrifed, disgusted face every time you swallow.

Bud Light

You need 30 beers in one package but you only have $10. Also, for some reason you need to get drunk. There is a slight possibility that your taste buds were destroyed in some horrible accident during your days as a fire breather with a traveling freak show, enabling you to consume many Keystones without making a horrifed, disgusted face every time you swallow.

Original Coors

You have never met me, because I don't know anyone who drinks this beer. I imagine, though, that you are some sort of mountain man with a scruffy beard who could use refreshment after spending weeks in the Rockies distancing himself from the trivialities of the modern world.

Corona Extra

You are married, live in the suburbs and are having friends over for a barbecue. There is also a chance that you really enjoy limes, but are having a difficult time working them into your diet. Small things amuse you and you enjoy watching the lime fizzle in the bottle after you stick your finger in and turn it upside down to achieve maximum limey pleasure.

Stag

Your stomach did something to make you angry and now you are returning the favor. You enjoy spending time on the toilet and will do it often for about three days if you drink a six pack of this beer-flavored laxative. Hunting is probably one of your hobbies and the red deer on the gold can is understandably difficult to pass up. Also, you may have lost a bet or are blind and could not tell which beer you were purchasing.

Guinness

You consider yourself something of a serious beer connoisseur. Undoubtedly you enjoy the occasional cup of coffee, as your choice of beer has a similar taste. When at a pub you like to partake in this brand because the foam on the top provides the opportunity for you to get a foam mustache and show your friends how funny you look. If you drink this beer regularly, you most likely claim some degree of Irish heritage. In all likelihood there was/is a "Guinness is Good For You" sign in your dorm/fraternity room/apartment.

Old Style (better known as Doggy Style)

You are at Wrigley Field watching the Cubs. There is no other excuse to drink this.

Michelob Ultra

You desire to be fit and attractive very much, but are unwilling to give up things—like beer drinking—that are necessary to achieve this goal. The word "carbs" was an important part of your vocabulary during the low carbs craze, but you are not really sure what the benefits of cutting carbs out of your diet might be. However, to be safe, you will drink a beer that claims to be low in carbs.


TOPICS: Chit/Chat
KEYWORDS: brewski
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To: exile
Ok, I gave up drinking years ago, but my beer of choice was Old Milwaukee. What does that say?

Thats why you gave up drinking.

101 posted on 07/29/2005 8:47:25 AM PDT by CONSERVE
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To: Jersey Republican Biker Chick; pissant

A woman has to come to his rescue too often these days.

Sad.


102 posted on 07/29/2005 8:49:10 AM PDT by Dashing Dasher (In life... the learning curve is vertical!)
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To: Woman on Caroline Street
'That's what I call "Horny Beer".'

Shhhhhh, Mrs. Dawgg doesn't need to know that!

103 posted on 07/29/2005 8:51:07 AM PDT by Mad Dawgg ("`Eddies,' said Ford, `in the space-time continuum.' `Ah,' nodded Arthur, `is he? Is he?'")
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To: tfecw

That was 100% accurate. LOL


104 posted on 07/29/2005 8:52:08 AM PDT by pissant
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To: PoorMuttly

Sounds like my kind of guy! ;o)


105 posted on 07/29/2005 8:52:40 AM PDT by pissant
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To: Woman on Caroline Street

Chances are high that I'll somehow be stumbling around a beer thread! :o)


106 posted on 07/29/2005 8:53:22 AM PDT by pissant
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To: pissant
Anybody in this forum remember "Billy Beer"? Tried it once years ago out of curiosity ... it tasted like *iss. The Carter's never got anything right.
107 posted on 07/29/2005 8:53:49 AM PDT by BluH2o
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To: kevkrom

Beer was created to wash the taste of poorly made hard booze away. Poorly made being about 90% of the booze available (Irish whiskey, Scotch, & Gin accepted). ;o)


108 posted on 07/29/2005 8:55:29 AM PDT by pissant
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To: onyx

I haven't had Miller in years. PBR's if I go the cheap route! :o)


109 posted on 07/29/2005 8:56:21 AM PDT by pissant
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To: ShadowDancer

Guinness?


110 posted on 07/29/2005 8:56:26 AM PDT by dakine
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To: pissant

...I remember the day he didn't thoroughly dry his cigarette before he lit it.......

Hoppin' Gator is a Syndrome, not only a "beverage."


111 posted on 07/29/2005 8:57:33 AM PDT by PoorMuttly (just saying "Sorry" in advance)
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To: pissant

I drink (fermented) Apple Cider "beer".


112 posted on 07/29/2005 8:58:32 AM PDT by proudofthesouth (Boycotting movies since 1988)
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To: exile
Ok, I gave up drinking years ago, but my beer of choice was Old Milwaukee. What does that say?

That you drank a beer that made it a lot easier to give up drinking?

113 posted on 07/29/2005 9:00:39 AM PDT by dirtboy (Drool overflowed my buffer...)
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To: exile
Ok, I gave up drinking years ago, but my beer of choice was Old Milwaukee. What does that say?

You are smart for quitting drinking.

114 posted on 07/29/2005 9:01:07 AM PDT by Fierce Allegiance (This ain't your granddaddy's America)
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To: COBOL2Java

My college days saw way too much Old Style. LOL. My poor post-college days I drank cases of Heidelberg, a local, now-defunct, favorite in Seattle!


115 posted on 07/29/2005 9:01:21 AM PDT by pissant
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To: Porterville

Nope. Stone IPA is good. For the true Hop-head (me), I prefer LaConner, Snoqualmie, Diamond Knot, and Maritime; all local Seattle area IPAs. Let me know if you are ever up here, we'll hit the pubs!


116 posted on 07/29/2005 9:02:57 AM PDT by pissant
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To: Sax

Fullers ESB is a great beer!!! And I've had lotsa Hamms in my day too.


117 posted on 07/29/2005 9:03:44 AM PDT by pissant
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To: Woman on Caroline Street

I prefer my lagers as well. Yuengling, Carlsberg (though not the one sold on tap domestically) and Tennants. But usually I stick to the watery beer when I'm out - Miller Light or Coors Light.


118 posted on 07/29/2005 9:03:54 AM PDT by elc
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To: Petronski

LOL. ANd it has a nasty "sweet" aftertaste that follows the aluminum!


119 posted on 07/29/2005 9:04:32 AM PDT by pissant
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To: proudofthesouth

Wood Chuck from Vermont should be sold in the Laxative aisle as well.


120 posted on 07/29/2005 9:04:32 AM PDT by Woman on Caroline Street (I'm not a canned good. Please don't label me.)
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