Free Republic
Browse · Search
General/Chat
Topics · Post Article

Skip to comments.

What Your Beer Says About You
National Lampoon ^ | 1/2005 | staff

Posted on 07/29/2005 7:51:34 AM PDT by pissant

Keystone Light

You need 30 beers in one package but you only have $10. Also, for some reason you need to get drunk. There is a slight possibility that your taste buds were destroyed in some horrible accident during your days as a fire breather with a traveling freak show, enabling you to consume many Keystones without making a horrifed, disgusted face every time you swallow.

Bud Light

You need 30 beers in one package but you only have $10. Also, for some reason you need to get drunk. There is a slight possibility that your taste buds were destroyed in some horrible accident during your days as a fire breather with a traveling freak show, enabling you to consume many Keystones without making a horrifed, disgusted face every time you swallow.

Original Coors

You have never met me, because I don't know anyone who drinks this beer. I imagine, though, that you are some sort of mountain man with a scruffy beard who could use refreshment after spending weeks in the Rockies distancing himself from the trivialities of the modern world.

Corona Extra

You are married, live in the suburbs and are having friends over for a barbecue. There is also a chance that you really enjoy limes, but are having a difficult time working them into your diet. Small things amuse you and you enjoy watching the lime fizzle in the bottle after you stick your finger in and turn it upside down to achieve maximum limey pleasure.

Stag

Your stomach did something to make you angry and now you are returning the favor. You enjoy spending time on the toilet and will do it often for about three days if you drink a six pack of this beer-flavored laxative. Hunting is probably one of your hobbies and the red deer on the gold can is understandably difficult to pass up. Also, you may have lost a bet or are blind and could not tell which beer you were purchasing.

Guinness

You consider yourself something of a serious beer connoisseur. Undoubtedly you enjoy the occasional cup of coffee, as your choice of beer has a similar taste. When at a pub you like to partake in this brand because the foam on the top provides the opportunity for you to get a foam mustache and show your friends how funny you look. If you drink this beer regularly, you most likely claim some degree of Irish heritage. In all likelihood there was/is a "Guinness is Good For You" sign in your dorm/fraternity room/apartment.

Old Style (better known as Doggy Style)

You are at Wrigley Field watching the Cubs. There is no other excuse to drink this.

Michelob Ultra

You desire to be fit and attractive very much, but are unwilling to give up things—like beer drinking—that are necessary to achieve this goal. The word "carbs" was an important part of your vocabulary during the low carbs craze, but you are not really sure what the benefits of cutting carbs out of your diet might be. However, to be safe, you will drink a beer that claims to be low in carbs.


TOPICS: Chit/Chat
KEYWORDS: brewski
Navigation: use the links below to view more comments.
first previous 1-2021-4041-6061-80 ... 241-256 next last
To: pissant

You have been quite slacking on the pings lately. Better ping Dasher before she gets all riled up again.


21 posted on 07/29/2005 8:07:54 AM PDT by Jersey Republican Biker Chick (People too weak to follow their own dreams, will always find a way to discourage yours.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 15 | View Replies]

To: Millee

Must have had ZZ Top on the car radio. It makes one consume beer while driving! ;o)


22 posted on 07/29/2005 8:08:22 AM PDT by pissant
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 9 | View Replies]

To: pissant
None

You drink only hard alcohol, and you like it that way. Beer is for wimps who can't handle the real stuff. Wine is acceptable as a last resort, at meal times only.

23 posted on 07/29/2005 8:08:26 AM PDT by kevkrom (WARNING: If you're not sure whether or not it's sarcasm, it probably is.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Woman on Caroline Street
"Get out of my head.
It's like going into a "beer bar" with 40 premium micro-brews on tap and over 100 in the fridge (Oh, how I miss Elmer Sudds and the Frambosenbier on draft) and then proceed to order a bottle of Coors Lite."

When i go to the micro brews i order "The closet thing to bud you've got" I just can't spend money on expensive beer. I haven't learned how to drink for the taste of the beer, because I'm still shaking off the "drink to get drunk" mentality from college.
24 posted on 07/29/2005 8:08:39 AM PDT by tfecw (Vote Democrat, It's easier than working)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 16 | View Replies]

To: pissant

Gotcha. :)


25 posted on 07/29/2005 8:08:53 AM PDT by Fierce Allegiance (This ain't your granddaddy's America)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 14 | View Replies]

To: pissant


Indeed. Icy cold too.


26 posted on 07/29/2005 8:09:45 AM PDT by onyx (North is a direction. South is a way of life.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 19 | View Replies]

To: pissant

When I was in college in the '70s we would go out and buy a case of "Iron City". IIRC you could pick it up for about $3. That's about all we could afford, but it was pretty darn good!


27 posted on 07/29/2005 8:09:50 AM PDT by COBOL2Java (Many Democrats are not weak Americans. But nearly all weak Americans are Democrats.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Fierce Allegiance

Red White and Blue Beer, bad memories there.


28 posted on 07/29/2005 8:09:57 AM PDT by Jersey Republican Biker Chick (People too weak to follow their own dreams, will always find a way to discourage yours.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 20 | View Replies]

To: Woman on Caroline Street
Personally, I'm a Yuengling Lager gal.

Got a keg of it on tap.

I wonder what that says about me.

You think that beer should be specifically mentioned on the Food Pyramid.

Anyone here remember Genesee Cream Ale? It sounds like it would taste really good, but it's only something your dad would drink.

I've had it. Years ago. Cleaned me out like Liquid Drain-O.

29 posted on 07/29/2005 8:10:11 AM PDT by dirtboy (Drool overflowed my buffer...)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 10 | View Replies]

To: pissant

The very best ever

30 posted on 07/29/2005 8:11:26 AM PDT by Porterville (Don't make me go Bushi on your a$$)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: COBOL2Java
we would go out and buy a case of "Iron City"

IC? You might as well have just started slurping up "water" from the Allegheny.

31 posted on 07/29/2005 8:11:28 AM PDT by kevkrom (WARNING: If you're not sure whether or not it's sarcasm, it probably is.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 27 | View Replies]

To: Woman on Caroline Street

I remember Genesee Cream Ale. Grew up where it is brewed.

More distinctly I remember a condition called the "Genny Screamers"

Please don't ask to describe. Just let your imagination run wild, then figure the reality is twice as bad


32 posted on 07/29/2005 8:11:38 AM PDT by 5Madman2 (There is no such thing as an experienced suicide bomber)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 10 | View Replies]

To: pissant

I like Fullers ESB - bitter ales that make your tongue feeling like it's just been whacked by a tougue depressor, but I'm no beer snob - I'll fit in whatever's available - Hamm's is my guilty pleasure beer. Watery yes, but if you just mowing the lawn, watery is ok. "From the land of the sky blue waters!"

Once in a while - gotta hit one the high octane beers like EKU 28, or Samiclaus - it's always funny to see someone taste these for the first time!


33 posted on 07/29/2005 8:12:23 AM PDT by Sax
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Jersey Republican Biker Chick

Hey, it's not as bad as Pabst Blue Ribbon. The nasty little PBR's are like a hangover-headache-like-a-railroad-spike-in-the-temple, all in convenient 12 ounce cans.


34 posted on 07/29/2005 8:13:11 AM PDT by Fierce Allegiance (This ain't your granddaddy's America)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 28 | View Replies]

To: Fierce Allegiance

"We used to get that crap cheap. Either that, red, White & Blue or Narragansett. About $6 a case when I was in high school. Load up the old station wagon!"

Genny Screamers, Old Topper and Carling Black Label

Man you'll even drink that crap warm when you're 16

Not that I ever did, but I had friends....


35 posted on 07/29/2005 8:14:08 AM PDT by 5Madman2 (There is no such thing as an experienced suicide bomber)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 20 | View Replies]

To: Fierce Allegiance

Holy Heck. Narangasett. I just brought that up in conversation YESTERDAY to someone. When I was 21 and a raging bad a$$ in my 86 camaro with t-tops, me and a gal pal made a plan to pick up the CHEAPEST beer we could find to drink before the game in the parking lot. Narangasett or is it Naragansett (I believe its the latter, but we always pronounced it like the former spelling - drunks that we were). I think it was 2.75 for a six pack in ye olde 1993. Ah, those were the days.


36 posted on 07/29/2005 8:14:16 AM PDT by Woman on Caroline Street (I'm not a canned good. Please don't label me.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 20 | View Replies]

To: pissant
Red Stripe

You enjoy beer that tastes like an aluminum can, even straight from the bottle.

37 posted on 07/29/2005 8:14:45 AM PDT by Petronski (I love Cyborg!)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: pissant

What about Killians?


38 posted on 07/29/2005 8:15:06 AM PDT by najida (Now living with cutting edge 1950's technology.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Fierce Allegiance
The worst hangover I ever had from beer was from Rolling Rock. I did not know it was possible to have your head hurt that f'ing bad.

It hurt worse than after my skull fracture. That is saying something.

39 posted on 07/29/2005 8:15:49 AM PDT by Jersey Republican Biker Chick (People too weak to follow their own dreams, will always find a way to discourage yours.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 34 | View Replies]

To: Fierce Allegiance; Jersey Republican Biker Chick

Dennis Hopper's take on PBR - (uses a bad word, careful with the volume)

http://tsbolton.com/booth/beertalk.wav


40 posted on 07/29/2005 8:16:14 AM PDT by Sax
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 34 | View Replies]


Navigation: use the links below to view more comments.
first previous 1-2021-4041-6061-80 ... 241-256 next last

Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.

Free Republic
Browse · Search
General/Chat
Topics · Post Article

FreeRepublic, LLC, PO BOX 9771, FRESNO, CA 93794
FreeRepublic.com is powered by software copyright 2000-2008 John Robinson