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What Your Beer Says About You
National Lampoon ^ | 1/2005 | staff

Posted on 07/29/2005 7:51:34 AM PDT by pissant

Keystone Light

You need 30 beers in one package but you only have $10. Also, for some reason you need to get drunk. There is a slight possibility that your taste buds were destroyed in some horrible accident during your days as a fire breather with a traveling freak show, enabling you to consume many Keystones without making a horrifed, disgusted face every time you swallow.

Bud Light

You need 30 beers in one package but you only have $10. Also, for some reason you need to get drunk. There is a slight possibility that your taste buds were destroyed in some horrible accident during your days as a fire breather with a traveling freak show, enabling you to consume many Keystones without making a horrifed, disgusted face every time you swallow.

Original Coors

You have never met me, because I don't know anyone who drinks this beer. I imagine, though, that you are some sort of mountain man with a scruffy beard who could use refreshment after spending weeks in the Rockies distancing himself from the trivialities of the modern world.

Corona Extra

You are married, live in the suburbs and are having friends over for a barbecue. There is also a chance that you really enjoy limes, but are having a difficult time working them into your diet. Small things amuse you and you enjoy watching the lime fizzle in the bottle after you stick your finger in and turn it upside down to achieve maximum limey pleasure.

Stag

Your stomach did something to make you angry and now you are returning the favor. You enjoy spending time on the toilet and will do it often for about three days if you drink a six pack of this beer-flavored laxative. Hunting is probably one of your hobbies and the red deer on the gold can is understandably difficult to pass up. Also, you may have lost a bet or are blind and could not tell which beer you were purchasing.

Guinness

You consider yourself something of a serious beer connoisseur. Undoubtedly you enjoy the occasional cup of coffee, as your choice of beer has a similar taste. When at a pub you like to partake in this brand because the foam on the top provides the opportunity for you to get a foam mustache and show your friends how funny you look. If you drink this beer regularly, you most likely claim some degree of Irish heritage. In all likelihood there was/is a "Guinness is Good For You" sign in your dorm/fraternity room/apartment.

Old Style (better known as Doggy Style)

You are at Wrigley Field watching the Cubs. There is no other excuse to drink this.

Michelob Ultra

You desire to be fit and attractive very much, but are unwilling to give up things—like beer drinking—that are necessary to achieve this goal. The word "carbs" was an important part of your vocabulary during the low carbs craze, but you are not really sure what the benefits of cutting carbs out of your diet might be. However, to be safe, you will drink a beer that claims to be low in carbs.


TOPICS: Chit/Chat
KEYWORDS: brewski
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To: Proud2BeRight
How about Duff?

Can't get enough of that wonderful stuff.

Of course it is only sold in Springfield, and perhaps Shelbyville.

81 posted on 07/29/2005 8:34:12 AM PDT by NeoCaveman (Are you now, or have you ever been a member of the Federalist Society?)
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To: bk1000

Almost forgetting Hoppin' Gator is one of its better side effects.

Knickerbocker.

Rheingold.

Red Tail Ale is good.

...but are we necessarily talking "good?"


82 posted on 07/29/2005 8:34:16 AM PDT by PoorMuttly (just saying "Sorry" in advance)
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To: dubyaismypresident

My favorite German Beer is Warsteiner.


83 posted on 07/29/2005 8:34:41 AM PDT by Jersey Republican Biker Chick (People too weak to follow their own dreams, will always find a way to discourage yours.)
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To: CONSERVE
I like Labatts.

When I was in High School (now we're going WAY back). I went on a trip with the French club to Montreal (I never took a lick of French, just wanted to go on the trip). We went and bought a couple of cases of Labatts (shows you how long ago it was, there were no laws against minors buying beer). I got so drunk I passed out, and the next day was sick as a dog. I could never drink Labatts again...

84 posted on 07/29/2005 8:35:52 AM PDT by COBOL2Java (Many Democrats are not weak Americans. But nearly all weak Americans are Democrats.)
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To: pissant
What Your Beer Says About You

Officer! I swear to drunk I'm not God.

85 posted on 07/29/2005 8:35:53 AM PDT by biblewonk (They are not gods which are made with hands.)
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To: Fierce Allegiance

Oh, well more beer for us then. Maybe he is napping or out having fun.


86 posted on 07/29/2005 8:35:56 AM PDT by Jersey Republican Biker Chick (People too weak to follow their own dreams, will always find a way to discourage yours.)
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To: mad puppy

LOL! I used to see the longliner swordfishing boats stock up in Gloucester for their 4-8 week trips and they did the same.


87 posted on 07/29/2005 8:35:57 AM PDT by Fierce Allegiance (This ain't your granddaddy's America)
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To: Fierce Allegiance

"I think your car says as much as the beer you drink! LOL! :)"

That car was the bomb, FA. I would drive in snowstorms on I-80 from State College back home. With riders paying 5 bucks each way. Gas was 84 cents. Never got stuck either.

OOOPS. This thread is about beer. My bad.


88 posted on 07/29/2005 8:36:12 AM PDT by Woman on Caroline Street (I'm not a canned good. Please don't label me.)
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To: Jersey Republican Biker Chick; pissant

Good idea - but you weren't my first ping.

FYI... I like vodka - but when beer is the choice - I prefer Fat Tire, Gordon Biersch Marzen, Sierra Pale Ale if I'm just having one or two.
Coors Light - if I'm drinking all day and want to spend time in the ladies' room.


89 posted on 07/29/2005 8:37:21 AM PDT by Dashing Dasher (In life... the learning curve is vertical!)
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To: cowboyway

Blue is good, DAMN GOOD!, but you have to get it in canada. the US stuff isn't the same.


90 posted on 07/29/2005 8:37:28 AM PDT by Fierce Allegiance (This ain't your granddaddy's America)
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To: Dashing Dasher; pissant
I did not want you to whip up on pissant too badly. I tried to save him.
91 posted on 07/29/2005 8:38:47 AM PDT by Jersey Republican Biker Chick (People too weak to follow their own dreams, will always find a way to discourage yours.)
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To: Jersey Republican Biker Chick

So where is the OFST?

I just needed to ask!!


I prefer LoneStar Light myself. Its a good cheap beer.

And I am way beyond cheap.


92 posted on 07/29/2005 8:38:57 AM PDT by Rightly Biased (<><)
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To: pissant
Original Coors You have never met me, because I don't know anyone who drinks this beer.

I know men who drink this beer....they are "men's men," and I just LOVE them.

93 posted on 07/29/2005 8:39:15 AM PDT by colorcountry (Where I come from, deeds mean a lot more than words. .....Zell Miller)
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To: pissant

Anyone remember Falstaff? I never found two cans that tasted the same.


94 posted on 07/29/2005 8:39:19 AM PDT by SmithL (There are a lot of people that hate Bush more than they hate terrorists)
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To: dubyaismypresident

DOH!


95 posted on 07/29/2005 8:39:33 AM PDT by Proud2BeRight
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To: Rightly Biased

When out with the guys I end up with Bud. I do drink other beer though.


96 posted on 07/29/2005 8:40:28 AM PDT by Jersey Republican Biker Chick (People too weak to follow their own dreams, will always find a way to discourage yours.)
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To: Mad Dawgg

That's what I call "Horny Beer". Every time my old boyfriend would go and drink that stuff, he'd come back all lovey and romantic. Pescheur 36/15 (expensive, hard to find) is also called "The Love Beer" for much the same reason. The distributor I used to go to had to special order 2 cases a month for two customers: a lesbian couple and a 75 year old man. Go figure!


97 posted on 07/29/2005 8:40:49 AM PDT by Woman on Caroline Street (I'm not a canned good. Please don't label me.)
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To: Fierce Allegiance
First time I drank Blue was up near Detroit. I was playing hockey with a regular group every Friday. One Friday they invited me for post game beers. I walked to the bar and ordered a Bud. The guys said no, no. If you're going to play hockey with us, you're drinking Labatt.

Been drinking it since.
98 posted on 07/29/2005 8:42:14 AM PDT by cowboyway (My heroes have always been cowboys.)
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To: hispanarepublicana
lol, lay off the bock a little...

Have you done their factory tour? You get 4 beers for free at the end of it.
99 posted on 07/29/2005 8:43:33 AM PDT by BJClinton (Are you aware that the First Amendment secures your right to refrain from incessant carping?)
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To: pissant

Ok, I gave up drinking years ago, but my beer of choice was Old Milwaukee. What does that say?


100 posted on 07/29/2005 8:44:45 AM PDT by exile (Exile - Helen Thomas tried to lure me into her Gingerbread House.)
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