Posted on 07/22/2005 7:05:44 AM PDT by TheBigB
WOOOOO HOOOOO! YIPPEE-SKIP, and YABBA DABBA-DOO!!!!! It's FRIDAAAAAY! : ) Time for FRIDAY SILLINESS! As always, feel free to post jokes, silly pics, nonsensical statements, or even to IGNORE THIS THREAD!
The Census (SNL skit)
Census-Taker.....Tim Meadows Mr. Leonard.....Christopher Walken
Census-Taker: Mr. Leonard? I'm with the U.S. Census Bureau. We sent you a Census form, but you failed to return it to us.
Mr. Leonard: My mail is piled up like crazy.
Census-Taker: Yeah. Well, I just need to fill out this Census form with you. Uh.. how many people live in this residence?
Mr. Leonard:Oh, boy.. good question. I'm bad with numbers.. Maybe 80.
Census-Taker: 80 people live in this apartment?
Mr. Leonard: Seems high, doesn't it? Not 80. How about 4? I don't know.. I'm so bad at guestimating..
Census-Taker: Well, just take your time, and count.
Mr. Leonard: Okay.. there's me.. my wife.. our plants.. we have some candy bars..
Census-Taker: Well, you know, we don't count candy bars or plants..
Mr. Leonard: Well, then, there's just the two of us. Boy, I really overshot with the 80!
Census-Taker: Listen, don't worry about it. I'm gonna put you down as the Primary Resident, okay? Now, are you currently employed?
Mr. Leonard: Yeah.. part of the time.
Census-Taker: Well, you work part-time. How many days of the week?
Mr. Leonard: Every day.. but just part of the day. From 9 to 5.
Census-Taker: So, you work a full day?
Mr. Leonard: I wouldn't say that. There are huge chunks of time.. at night.. where I'm just asleep. For hours. It's ridiculous.
Census-Taker: No, it's not that ridiculous. Mr. Leonard, do you own or rent this apartment?
Mr. Leonard: Sure. You have to ask one of the other 79 people.
Census-Taker: You mean your wife?
Mr. Leonard: Yeah.
Census-Taker: Well, can I talk to her, then?
Mr. Leonard: She won't answer you. She's a bobcat.
Census-Taker: You got a bobcat in there?
Mr. Leonard: Well, I have a permit. [ reaches into apartment and pulls out a sheet of paper ] Here you go.
Census-Taker: [ examines paper ] This is a permit to run a nail salon.
Mr. Leonard: Wrong one! Wrong one! [ pulls another sheet of paper out of his apartment ]
Census-Taker: [ examines paper ] This is a permit to do street performances.
Mr. Leonard: Yeah. My wife's a big part of the act.
Census-Taker: [ shaking head ] You know what? Fine. [ changing subject ] Mr. Leonard, are you a citizen of the United States?
Mr. Leonard: I have dual-citizenship with the United States and Florida.
Census-Taker: Florida is a part of the United States.
Mr. Leonard: Don't push your politics on me, pal. All's I know is when I turned 50, I was issued a Florida passport. [ hands him the "passport" ] Here you go.
Census-Taker: [ examining "passport" ] Alright.. this is a novelty birthday card. And it says, "You're over the hill. Here's a passport to Florida." This is not a real passport.
Mr. Leonard: I don't know.. you know? Whenever I go to Florida, I show it at the border, and they always let me in!
Census-Taker: Listen, Mr. Leonard. A real passport wouldn't have a picture of a sexy nurse on it. This is a joke card.
Mr. Leonard: Well.. it's a hell of a forgery!
Census-Taker: [ exasperated ] Okay, let's just proceed as if this were going really well. Now, how long have you lived at this address?
Mr. Leonard: Oh, man! There you go with the numbers again!
Census-Taker: Just take your time.
Mr. Leonard: Well, what do most people say?
Census-Taker: That's not important!
Mr. Leonard: I feel an enormous amount of pressure to get this right. I want to win that car!
Census-Taker: [ shaking his head ] There's no car, Mr. Leonard! How long have you lived here?
Mr. Leonard: Alright, when I moved in, it was the Spring, and Clinton was President.. I'd just gotten out of jail.. I'd say an hour.
Census-Taker: Alright, let me go over this again, then. You are a convicted criminal, living alone in an apartment with a bobcat. And you work 56 hours a week as a street performer.
Mr. Leonard: When you say it like that, my life sounds pretty damn good!
Census-Taker: You know what? I've talked to a lot of people all over this country.. and your life is pretty damn good. You wanna get a beer?
Mr. Leonard: You know, I'd love to, but.. [ points into apartment ] ..you know.. the ol' ball and chain..
Census-Taker: Alright. Take care.
Mr. Leonard: Have a good one. [ returns into the apartment to find his bobcat/wife growling at him ] Again?! We just did it!
"Friday! WAZZZZUPPPP?!" 
Pingizzle!! : )
I'm feeling silly!
WOO HOO!!!!! It's Friday!
Morning "B", Happy Friday.
Word.
Hi Dumplin!
Happy to be here...
Will ya come to my Cyberparty on Tuesday??
Woo hoo! IN early!
The Blonde Year in Review
January?Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.
February?Ordered new drapes for her computer because it had windows.
March?Got excited when she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months because
the box said "2-4 years."
April?Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.
May?Couldn't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water wouldn't fit into
the little packet.
June?Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with
a slope
July?After losing in a breast stroke swimming competition, complained
to the judges that the other swimmers were using their arms.
August?Told her blonde friend to hurry when trying to get into their
locked car using a coat hanger because it was starting to rain and the
top was down.
September?When asked what the capital of California was: answered "C."
October?Hates M &M's because they are so hard to peel.
November?Baked a turkey for 4 days because the instruc-tions said 1
hour per pound and she weighed 120.
December?Couldn't call 911 because there was no "11" on any phone
button.
good morning!
You may not always agree with what he says, but George Carlin does sometimes give you things to stop and think about:
COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our Government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where
she sleeps in the state of Washington, and they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens, from dozens of countries, wandering around our country. Maybe we should give
them all a cow.
THE CONSTITUTION ---
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.
THE TEN COMMANDMENTS ---
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse? You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit
Adultery", and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians! It creates a hostile work environment!
And last but not least . . . . .
George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart: "Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she's behind bars. O.J. Simpson and Kobe Bryant are still walking
around; Osama bin Laden too, but they take the one woman in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and haul her ass off to jail!"
If God Where A Woman
If God Where A Woman...
1. Sex would smell like chocolate
2. Farts would smell like roses
3. Dogs would smell spring fresh
4. Babies would come from vending machines
5. Men would be born with a permanent erection
6. All women would have the same size breasts
7. There would be no cellulite
8. Every food on the planet would be FAT FREE
9. Men would be born with an "OFF" switch
10. There would be no "Tittie Bars".... Male Revue would continue
11. Every man's paycheck would be made payable to his wife
12. All menstrual cycles would be replaced with a 5-8 day vacation in Hawaii
13. Men would inherit the menstrual cycle
14. Men would come with software to be custom designed
15. Men would come equipped with homing device for quick location by wife
16. Men would have built in lie detector on forehead for instant verification of truth
17. Men would be intelligent enough to tell the difference between 7" and 3"
18. Sex would last longer than 30 seconds
19. Foreplay would not be a quick slap on the fanny and a kiss on the cheek
20. Viagra becomes an over the counter drug.
Hidey Ho B!!!!!
LOL on that skit. I LOVE Walken...and Meadows. :-)
Christopher Walken is up there in my top five faves.
Dang, dead. DANG.
Cyberparty? Sure; gimme details! : )
George Carlin is hysterical.
G'mornin' B!
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