Pingizzle!! : )
WOO HOO!!!!! It's Friday!
Word.
Hi Dumplin!
Happy to be here...
Will ya come to my Cyberparty on Tuesday??
Woo hoo! IN early!
The Blonde Year in Review
January?Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.
February?Ordered new drapes for her computer because it had windows.
March?Got excited when she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months because
the box said "2-4 years."
April?Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.
May?Couldn't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water wouldn't fit into
the little packet.
June?Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with
a slope
July?After losing in a breast stroke swimming competition, complained
to the judges that the other swimmers were using their arms.
August?Told her blonde friend to hurry when trying to get into their
locked car using a coat hanger because it was starting to rain and the
top was down.
September?When asked what the capital of California was: answered "C."
October?Hates M &M's because they are so hard to peel.
November?Baked a turkey for 4 days because the instruc-tions said 1
hour per pound and she weighed 120.
December?Couldn't call 911 because there was no "11" on any phone
button.
If God Where A Woman
If God Where A Woman...
1. Sex would smell like chocolate
2. Farts would smell like roses
3. Dogs would smell spring fresh
4. Babies would come from vending machines
5. Men would be born with a permanent erection
6. All women would have the same size breasts
7. There would be no cellulite
8. Every food on the planet would be FAT FREE
9. Men would be born with an "OFF" switch
10. There would be no "Tittie Bars".... Male Revue would continue
11. Every man's paycheck would be made payable to his wife
12. All menstrual cycles would be replaced with a 5-8 day vacation in Hawaii
13. Men would inherit the menstrual cycle
14. Men would come with software to be custom designed
15. Men would come equipped with homing device for quick location by wife
16. Men would have built in lie detector on forehead for instant verification of truth
17. Men would be intelligent enough to tell the difference between 7" and 3"
18. Sex would last longer than 30 seconds
19. Foreplay would not be a quick slap on the fanny and a kiss on the cheek
20. Viagra becomes an over the counter drug.
Yippee!! Love "The Census". :)
bttt
YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Time to be silly!!!
Happy Friday BigB!!!
I mooned ALL of FR!
Nanner-nanner....boo-boo!
A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his place of business, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full good and loving people.".. .
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."
It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...."The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished ace. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. "S__t" said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the theater.
Drinking Beer
Symptom: Feet cold and wet
Fault: Glass being at the wrong angle
Action: rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling
Symptom: Feet warm and wet
Fault: Improper bladder control
Action: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training
Symptom: Beer unusually pale and tasteless
Fault: Glass empty
Action: Get someone to buy you another beer
Symptom: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights
Fault: You have fallen over backward
Action: Have your self-leashed to the bar
Symptom: Mouth contains cigarette butts
Fault: You have fallen over forward
Action: See above
Symptom: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet
Fault: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face
Action: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror
Symptom: Floor blurred
Fault: you are looking through bottom of empty glass
Action: Get someone to buy you another beer
Symptom: Floor moving
Fault: You are being carried out
Action: Find out if you are being taken to another bar
Symptom: Room seems unusually dark
Fault: Bar has closed
Action: Confirm home address with bartender
Symptom: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures
Fault: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations
Action: Cover mouth
Symptom: Everyone looks up at you and smiles
Fault: You are dancing on the table
Action: Fall on somebody cushy-looking
Symptom: Beer is crystal-clear
Fault: It's water. Someone is trying to sober you up
Action: Punch him
Symptom: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room your in
Fault: You've wondered into the wrong party
Action: See if they have beer