Posted on 01/06/2005 11:28:58 AM PST by pissant
Dear Dog Lady,
For almost six months, I've been dating Monty. I thought I was falling in love with him until he presented my dog and me with an inappropriate Christmas present. Now, I'm not sure. The gift was a pair of NeuticlesOriginal, fake testicles for dogs. My dog, Magic, was intrigued by them and tried to chew them and then tried to play with them. My dog rolled the little balls around the floor until Monty took them away and scolded Magic. I just watched stunned as all this was going on. I couldn't have imagined Neuticles until I saw them with my own eyes.
Right before I met Monty, I had brought Magic to the vet to be neutered. Monty says he doesn't believe in altering male dogs and made snide comments about Magic's lack of manhood. I admit I was turned off by the comments, but I never thought he would buy prosthetic testes for my dog. He's also pestering me to make an appointment with my vet to have the Neuticles surgically implanted. When I tell him I don't want to put Magic through this operation, Monty gets miffed and says he already paid $85 for the Neuticles online and doesn't want to return them. Despite being so worried about losing the money, he insists he'll pay the full freight for the surgery at the vet. He thinks Magic will be a happier, more confident dog with fake testicles. I visited the Neuticles Web site, www.neuticles.com, and found such celebrities as Rush Limbaugh have endorsed them. Limbaugh said, "Neuticles are just plain neat!" Maybe they are.
I will admit in my weaker moments, when I want to cling to my relationship with Monty, I wonder what's the harm in getting the harmless Neuticles sewn into Magic. Maybe the dog will be happier with a scrotum. Maybe it will bring Monty and I closer together. What do you think?
Rachel
Rachel, Dog Lady believes in Magic. Your dog doesn't need the fake testicles, nor will they give him any more confidence than he already has. The unnecessary surgery will add stress and scar tissue to your pet's tender area. Dogs don't do manhood the way Rush Limbaugh does. Dogs do Alpha, a status having everything to do with leadership, not the size of sexual organs. Other dogs will not be impressed or deceived by nutty Neuticles. One sniff of the hindquarters will tell a canine colleague that Magic's just another castrato in the pack.
In intact dogs, the male sac emits a hormonal aroma that stokes up other dogs with fascination, confusion or aggression. Plastic Neuticles do not have the odiferous power to stir up anything but your boyfriend Monty's odd insecurities. A Neuticled Magic will not be a dog, but a disfigured dog. Rachel, you did the right thing for Magic by having him neutered in the first place. Don't go there again.
Best you concentrate on whether you want a future with Monty. Dog Lady is not suggesting he should be fixed, but you need to fix your relationship. The gift of Neuticles was utterly inappropriate, even offensive. It's the same as if Monty had stuffed silicone breast implants in your Christmas stocking. If you think for a moment that sewing falsies into your dog will bring you closer to your boyfriend, Dog Lady wonders what other delusions you labor under. A good relationship comes with communication, trust and safety - for you and Magic.
Your dog is not a stand-in for your boyfriend's scrotal issues. You should discuss this straight on with Monty so he understands the boundary. It takes a real man, if you catch my drift, to admit his mistake. If he refuses to understand on a deeper emotional level, Dog Lady thinks his reluctance alone will tell you everything you need to know.
Why aren't they called, "Nut-icles?"
Please tell me you aren't that paranoid. Most male dogs are much easier to be around, and lead much longer and healthier lives neutered. Prosthetics for dog balls are THE dumbest thing I have ever heard of.
Hey, if your wife had you neutered, you would at least want a pair on Neuticles when you went to the Sauna room, I would think.
My question is - how do you know they work?
Canine Co-Inventor Loses Cancer Fight For Life For Immediate Release
Buckner, MO - Buck- the 194 lb bloodhound that prompted the idea of testicular implants for pets seven years ago -died today after a 72 hour fight for life.
"We are deeply saddened and will miss Buck a great deal" said Gregg A. Miller, president and founder of the Missouri- based CTI-Neuticles Corporation. Miller said Buck died from complications associated with liver cancer.
Buck is featured on the company's website -and has received national and Worldwide publicity since the products introduction.
Miller said Neuticles were invented due to the trauma he and Buck experienced.
"Buck was seven months-old and as ornery as they came," Miller recalled. "Well- the day came when I had to consider neutering- and was really surprised that the testicles are permanently removed when the pet is neutered." Miller said. "Buck would no longer be Buck!".
Deeply concerned, Miller asked his Missouri veterinarian, Dr R.D. Holder of Independence if implants were available so Buck would look the same.
"I've been a veterinarian for over 45 years and it had never been thought of," Dr Holder said. "I told Gregg it sounded like a very good idea as many pet owners hesitate or even refuse to neuter because of this," he said.
Buck was neutered the traditional way in 1993 - but the final decision to begin research and development of the now patented product and procedures was made when Miller noticed Buck's dissatisfaction by his apparent loss.
"Unquestionably, Buck noticed the change -and it was decided to give pet owners Worldwide an "option" when neutering their beloved pet."
Following two years of research and development costing- in excess of $500,000 - the first commercial implantation was performed on Dec. 20, 1995. Since that time, over 60,000 canines, felines, horses and bulls have been "Neuticled" in all 50 states and 24 countries.
"We've even Neuticled a prairie dog in Kansas, two water buffalo in Colorado and a colony of rats in Louisiana," Miller said. "The first monkey is in two weeks and we're excited to help even monkey's 'look and feel' the same." .
Neuticles are endorsed or recommended by many local, regional and national humane societies Worldwide including the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals.
Private services for Buck the Bloodhound are to be held at Pet Cremation Services of Kansas City
# # # For additional information or media kit contact Gregg Miller 816-650-6655 or email: Neuticles@aol.com
For Questions Or Location Of A Participating Veterinary Clinic Or Hospital In Your Neighborhood Call Toll Free 888-638-8425 Outside of the U.S. Call 816-350-7298
E-mail: Neuticles@aol.com - For Immediate Response
"Why aren't they called, "Nut-icles?""
Hey, I used to enjoy a candy called Peanuttles when I was a kid. It kinda makes me wonder....
Heh... first of all, I am a wife.... So I may not be qualified to answer on the proper size of neuticles.... They impress men more than they impress us gals, I think :~D
work?
Dumber than a facelift for a Shar Pei pup?
You can get them for your vehicle, too:
www.yournutz.com
I saw a truck in town that had these and I couldn't believe it! I had to do a double-take to make sure I wasn't nuts or something.
Brings to mind "Johnny Dangerously"
Just your everyday run-of-the-mill dogs, fake testicles, and Rush Limbaugh ping!
I loved reading this piece. Back in the early 70's when fewer than 500 Bouvier des Flandres dogs were ever sold in the USA, we got our first one. The breeder told us about a guy who bought a Bouvier male pup that was born with only one testicle and the dog had great show presence, otherwise. So, the new owner had a testicle implanted to make up for the one that naturally was missing. During a dog show, the judge was checking out his dog and called over the other judges.
Guess what? That other testicle had finally came down and the judge felt three, count them, three testicles.
The poor dog was disqualified and the owner banned from future shows! Ha! You can't make this stuff up!
When they raise taxes we send tea bags (ala boston tea party)
Now we send testicles...
(the GOP testicles must be in a jar on hitlary's shelf)
Anybody who puts that trash on their cars deserves to have their tires shot out...
Oh...my...God.
I don't know whether to laugh or barf! :)
I heard about these things a few years ago and I could not believe there was a market. I mean, sticking them in a show dog would get you thrown out of the AKC and otherwise, what's the point?
So I asked my cousin who is a vet. He said that 100% of the implantations he'd heard of involved men who were more or less forced to neuter their dogs (wife insisted, shelter insisted, health issues) and who just couldn't believe that Fido wasn't suffering mightily as a result.
I would dump the boyfriend, though. Friends don't give friends Neuticals.
It's a guy thing. Nuts.
As dumb as laser beard removal for Miss Beazley
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