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We Can Guess What Denomination You Are By How You Pray
Babylon Bee ^ | 05/22/2022 | Babylon Bee

Posted on 05/22/2022 5:44:21 PM PDT by DFG

Depending on who you ask there are many ways to say grace before a meal. You show us how you pray when gathered with others and we'll tell you what that says about your theology.

So listen carefully next time during grace and that'll be a dead giveaway as to what that person believes.

The prayer is for massively unhealthy fried chicken and casseroles to nurture our bodies - Baptist

Every other word is "thou", "thy", or "yeoldethinesteth" - KJV Baptist

Prayer is led by a woman - Hey, wait a minute, you're not a Christian!

Prayer is about how terrible, awful, and undeserving we all are of the food we're about to eat - Calvinist

No prayer - Unitarian

Makes strange hand gestures, might be praying or summoning an eldritch Lovecraftian horror - Catholic

Starts with Daddy God - Episcopalian

Start with Mother God - Episcopalian

Recites ancient prayer claimed to have been the exact words the Apostle Peter prayed over his fish tacos - Eastern Orthodox

Makes everyone hold hands - Your mom. DAAAAAANG!

Says cute little liturgical prayer between gulps of beer - Lutheran

By thanking the moon and sun god for this bountiful harvest - Wait a second! You're a pagan!

Pray incantations in Latin - Catholics again

Pray incantations in Pig Latin - Joe Biden

Only Dad prays in this house - Presbyterian

Peek through your eyelids during prayer to see if the tide is back in and the surf is lookin' gnarly - Calvary Chapel

Silent prayer over delicious oatmeal - Quaker

Prays in Hebrew and glances around to see if everyone noticed - Seminary student

No prayer just rolling around on the floor saying gibberish - Pentecostal

Well there you have it folks! That's the definitive list of all the different ways to say grace.


TOPICS: Humor
KEYWORDS: babylonbee; christian; denomination; grace; prayer
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1 posted on 05/22/2022 5:44:21 PM PDT by DFG
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To: DFG

Come Lord Jesus be our guest and let these gifts to us be blessed, amen.


2 posted on 05/22/2022 5:47:53 PM PDT by Born in 1950 (Anti left, nothing else.)
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To: DFG

Funny.


3 posted on 05/22/2022 5:49:24 PM PDT by MayflowerMadam (When government fears the people, there is liberty.)
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To: DFG

“Pray incantations in Latin - Catholics again”

Not allowed by our current “Pope”.


4 posted on 05/22/2022 5:55:44 PM PDT by lizma2
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To: DFG
I'm trying to remember the denomination of the people who prayed like this in an old movie: "Look out, Lord! We're gonna eat!"

I think it might have been a John Wayne movie, but not sure about that either.

5 posted on 05/22/2022 5:56:40 PM PDT by Vigilanteman (The politicized state destroys aspects of civil society, human kindness and private charity.)
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To: DFG
Praying with your arms lifted --- traditional Baptist trying hard to seem modern to her grown kids without attending their modern worship church.

Praying in a Selma accent -- Hillary at a luncheon on the campaign trail

Praying with eyes closed, head bowed, solemn and using a kind of broken English with some words that never were part of the English language but sound like they could have been centuries ago -- grown modern worshipper trying to make traditional Mama proud at the dinner table

Thanking God for a good hunt even though the meat they're about to eat was pastured, not hunted -- out of touch Republican politician at a luncheon on the campaign trail

6 posted on 05/22/2022 6:00:54 PM PDT by Tell It Right (1st Thessalonians 5:21 -- Put everything to the test, hold fast to that which is true.)
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To: lizma2

I grew up in a Catholic family, went to Catholic schools, etc, etc...

Due to having older parents and uncles I was exposed to a bit of Latin but never in any church service.

Until this year.

My mother passed away at the beginning of this year and during her funeral mass the priest used Latin at several points.

It was surreal. In a small rural Australian town a black priest from Tanzania was using Latin during a funeral mass for one of his parishioners in likely defiance of a Papal decree.

I don’t regard myself as Catholic anymore; I’m a Christian who’s studying the Bible to better understand God’s word and trying to find a local church that’s actually biblically based. But it looks like there’s a split between the lefty senior leadership and the conservative priests and laity.


7 posted on 05/22/2022 6:19:58 PM PDT by Dundee (They gave up all their tomorrows for our today's.)
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To: DFG
A church of Christ preacher went bear hunting for the first time ever. He took a 20 gauge shotgun loaded with 7 shot in to the Alaska wilderness and finally found a bear.

He shot it in the behind and the bear whirled around and charged. Stunned that the shot seemed to have little effect, he ripped off another shot and shredded the bear's left ear. On it came directly after him. He dropped the gun, took off running towards his pickup and suddenly tripped on a limb and fell face down in the mud.

He began praying earnestly reminding God he had been "...faithful, instant in season and out of season and, please, God, would you make that bear a Christian!". Immediately, all was quiet. He raised himself up, looked back, and the bear...only a few yards away now, was on his knees praying, "Dear God, thank you for this food we are about to eat."

8 posted on 05/22/2022 6:27:35 PM PDT by MeneMeneTekelUpharsin (Freedom is the freedom to discipline yourself so others don't have to do it for you.)
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To: DFG

Reminds me of… Tim Hawkins on hand raising:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TK2_ezOBa2A


9 posted on 05/22/2022 6:27:45 PM PDT by LilFarmer
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To: Dundee
We chant the Ordinary of the Mass in Latin and have for years. Nobody has said "boo". We just changed the Memorial Acclamation to Latin ("Mortem tuam annuciamus Domini") for Lent and kept it. We also sing a LOT of Latin, both chant and polyphony.

Today's lineup:

Prelude: Mozart, "Jubilate Deo"

Offertory: Chant, "Regina Caeli"; Gregor Aichinger, "Regina Caeli"

Communion: At last! English! Bach, "Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring"

The Catholic Church: come for the theology, stay for the music (and the Latin).

10 posted on 05/22/2022 6:28:48 PM PDT by AnAmericanMother (Ecce Crucem Domini, fugite partes adversae. Vicit Leo de Tribu Iuda, Radix David, Alleluia!)
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To: Dundee

I’m glad you had an experience of how Latin promotes the universality of the Catholic Church.

If you study the Bible closely, you will notice that the New Testament includes instructions to obey precepts that were conveyed orally, not in writing. You cannot be “Biblical” without recognizing the existence within the Church of an oral deposit of the faith transmitted through apostolic tradition.

The Catholic Church is the only body that can tell you why you can be confident that the Bible is God’s word. Come back to the Catholic Church.


11 posted on 05/22/2022 6:32:56 PM PDT by Romulus
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To: DFG
Bless these microwave pizzas oh Lord, because some one, not naming names but looking at you April, plugged her hair dryer in where she shouldn't have and caused the GFCI to pop leading to the delicious pot roast that mom had going in the Insta-Pot not to cook while we were at morning services.

This, of course, is not a healthy meal but it is what we've got so bless it any way and let it nourish us some how.

Holy Spirit of Low Carb rain down upon us!

Amen.

(our oldest thinks he is a comedian)

12 posted on 05/22/2022 6:33:12 PM PDT by Harmless Teddy Bear (It is better to light a single flame thrower then curse the darkness. A bunch of them is better yet)
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To: DFG

BAHAHAHA!


13 posted on 05/22/2022 6:45:51 PM PDT by Blood of Tyrants (Inside every liberal is a blood-thirsty fascist yearning to be free of current societal constraints.)
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To: Born in 1950

My Oma or Opa would pray, “Come Lord Jesus be our guest and rest your blessed soul upon us. Amen. “

Our relatives must have come from the same part of Europe.


14 posted on 05/22/2022 6:46:21 PM PDT by TheWriterTX (Trust not in earthly princes....!)
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To: DFG

Good bread, good meat
Good God, let’s eat.


15 posted on 05/22/2022 6:52:04 PM PDT by jy8z
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To: jy8z

“Rub-a-dub-dub, Thanks for the grub”
- Infantry


16 posted on 05/22/2022 6:59:44 PM PDT by AbnSarge
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To: DFG

In the name of the Father, Son and Holy Ghost
Who eats the fastest gets the most


17 posted on 05/22/2022 7:08:26 PM PDT by Some Fat Guy in L.A. (Still bitterly clinging to rational thought despite its unfashionability)
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To: DFG

Amateurs!

https://www.jewishvirtuallibrary.org/brachot-blessings-before-eating


18 posted on 05/22/2022 7:13:01 PM PDT by Jewbacca (The residents of Iroquois territory may not determine whether Jews may live in Jerusalem.)
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To: TheWriterTX

You must be German.


19 posted on 05/22/2022 7:59:28 PM PDT by the OlLine Rebel (Common sense is an uncommon virtue./Federal-run medical care is as good as state-run DMVds)
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To: Romulus
"The Catholic Church is the only body that can tell you why you can be confident that the Bible is God’s word."

As a Protestant I've heard and read many teachings on why we can be confident that the Bible is God's Word. And I've taught it myself. You haven't been out much if you think the RCC has a monopoly on the topic.

Irenaeus -- "We have learned from none others the plan of our salvation, than from those through whom the gospel has come down to us, which they did at one time proclaim in public, and, at a later period, by the will of God, handed down to us in the Scriptures, to be the ground and pillar of our faith."

Basically as early as the 2nd century Irenaeus and Tertullian were teaching Apostolic Tradition, and once the apostles wrote it down as Scripture it's the ground and pillar of our faith. Neither Irenaeus nor Tertullian said to abide by tradition that was not written down as Scripture. In other words, tradition not written into Scripture doesn't qualify as the kind of "tradition" they said as the ground and pillar of our faith.

20 posted on 05/22/2022 8:15:32 PM PDT by Tell It Right (1st Thessalonians 5:21 -- Put everything to the test, hold fast to that which is true.)
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