Southwest Introduces New Boarding Procedure Where Everyone Is Given A Melee Weapon And You Just Sort It Out Amongst Yourselves

Babylon Bee ^ | 12/22/21

[Impala64ssa]

DALLAS—Southwest Airlines has announced a new and exciting boarding procedure where passengers are given a deadly melee weapon and encouraged to sort it out themselves instead of bothering the flight crew.

"We are thrilled to introduce this fun new way to board a plane," said a spokesperson for the airline. "Passengers will be offered a class of weapon based on their boarding group. 'A’ gets bladed weapons like daggers and axes, ‘B’ gets long-reach weapons like bo-staffs and baseball bats, and group ‘C’ gets whatever is leftover—like brass knuckles or nunchucks, maybe a sharpened toothbrush if they’re lucky. EarlyBird flyers will be permitted to bring their own weapons, provided they can get through security. We want to reward passengers who are on time.”

A veteran captain of the airline, who asked to remain anonymous, praised the new policy saying, "I get so sick and tired of petty disputes being brought to my attention. The flight attendants do the best they can, but they aren’t equipped to deal with a bunch of whiny passengers!"

Passenger reception to the new Battle Royale Seating Program has been mixed, with some would-be passengers “fearing for their lives.” Others are just happy they don’t have to wear masks.

At publishing time, Southwest Airlines' stock dropped 50 points.

[Impala64ssa]

Satire, but it's amazing how many cases of real air rage are on social media and most of those who instigate those incidents aren't even drunk. Everyone and his brother has I-phones and Androids, airports are swarming with TSA and security personnel, you'd think people would be more inclined to behave themselves, but, NOPE!

[LesbianThespianGymnasticMidget]

At publishing time, Southwest Airlines' stock dropped gained 50 points.

[digger48]

I now get to board first

Ill fight Granny on a walker for the blade

[MustKnowHistory]

Hah! It is like a season of Survivor.

[teeman8r]

As an experienced LARPist I am positive I would be boarding first... there can only be one.

[P.O.E.]

[Freedom_Is_Not_Free]

Only thing from BB I have read that was actually funny.

[HangThemHigh]

I’ve long said as a cure for hijackings, the airlines should issue each passenger a handgun. Load each gun with a single round.

[Ruy Dias de Bivar]

Reminds me of a bad bar in town.

It was so bad everyone was checked going in to see if they had a gun or a knife on them.
If not, they were issued one.