Posted on 11/08/2021 11:55:15 AM PST by Az Joe
Please excuse the personal nature of this story but I am getting very desperate and I thought there would be others on here that have dealt with a similar situation who might have advice/suggestions/etc
My son married this gal (SWMBO) 10 years ago. As time has gone on she has become more and more: Controlling, domineering, misandristic (hatred of men), you name the pathology.
Obviously, sad to admit, my son has completely lost his balls. He works hard and prefers to lay back and let her run roughshod over my 3 grandkids, me, him and whoever else might cross her path. SWMBO drops the 3 kids off at school in the morning and then does nothing until she goes and picks them up at the end of the day. She certainly doesn't clean the house or yard up. I think she plays computer games/watches TV all day. She doesn’t do much to keep up her physical appearance. My son comes home from work and takes the kids out to the park or community pool while she stays home. She does cook the meals. I watch the dogs on occasion for them while they’re up north a hundred miles to her mothers for several days. Once I found the kitchen in a horrible state of filth. Food on the floor, (chunks of it,) dishes piled in the sink and all over the counters two feet high. The children’s rooms a total disaster area. It was sickening. So I went to work and did what I could. But I felt heartbroken for my son, who works so hard to provide for his family.
SWMBO has become enraged with me a couple of times to the point, that at times, if I didn't walk away, I think she may have physically attacked me when I have simply ignored her and went about my business of visiting my son and my 3 grandkids. She tries to be extremely provocative in order to get me to respond and get myself in trouble. Fortunately I know women like her and remain calm.
“Take pictures of the filth, then call your state’s equivalent of Social/Family Services................”
Button recorder. She’s insane but I think she’s been driven insane by abuse.
Thanks for asking that question I was wondering what SWMBO stands for also!!!
My opinion (which you will not like) is stay away.
Don’t make a big deal about it, just don’t show up.
Make excuses for not showing up—claim health problems or any other excuse that is appropriate for your situation.
When the kids get to be young adults and are out of the house you can try to re-establish contact.
The woman is toxic, and she will drag you down with her.
No drama.
Just don’t be there.
I was just thinking the other day “It’s time to watch Rumpole again.”
You didn’t ask, and by the way, this plan was vastly cheaper 20 years ago.
That’s a terrible idea - getting TPTB involved. There’s nothing you can do except find s way to make your son understand that he has to man up.
Your options are limited.
Let’s start with telling the truth:
You did not cause her problems.
You cannot fix her problems.
You cannot change her.
You cannot make her like you.
You cannot make her “do the right thing.”
Nor can you make her do anything you think she should.
You cannot have a positive relationship with her.
Also...
You have a son you (presumably still) care about.
You likely want to have a connection with your grandkids.
It seems to me there are only a few options under your control:
You can see your son separately, talk to him by phone, in short continue your relationship with him.
He is the key to having some kind of relationship with your grandkids.
This will be without the involvement of the DIL.
Finally, I’d suggest you:
Be kind and treat her kindly, despite her never deserving it.
Speak kindly of her in front of your grandkids and kids. For better or worse, shes the mom, the wife.
Don’t dwell on the things you can’t control about this.
Your happiness in life does not depend on her.
Calling social on the family will do far more harm than good to these children.
At “best” they’d go into foster care. Far from needing that though.
Keep your name in social media. Look for theirs. “Friend” them on Instagram, Snapchat, Facebook. Even use a private investigator to stay abreast of them. Make yourself available. And wait.
No lawsuit for emotional distress is going to get them back to you. You are not in a position of power.
What does SWMBO stand for? Sorry for my ignorance.
Stinks, I know...you want to fix something you know isn’t right, but you don’t have any control over.
DO NOT call Children’s Services under any circumstances, unless, of course, you have hard evidence the kids are being abused, neglected or are in physical danger. That would forever alter any chance of a relationship with her, your grandkids and probably son. In fact, CS would probably find little wrong in the home, based on their standards, and possibly terminate any contact between you and your grandchildren. Believe me, CS will do all they can to prevent any separation between children and parents, they are terrible and protect parents more than kids.
Your son is probably a victim of a narcissistic relationship and the mental abuse doesn’t end with separation or divorce, it only gets worse. For now, the only thing you can do is tolerate her and love your grandkids and son. You could possibly keep a diary with dates and events if the relationship goes bad between her and son, plus it will help you get things off your chest. Do not tell your son about the diary, he has been emotionally conditioned be her.
Remember, a son may have many wives, but only one mother, in your case, only one father and he will eventually turn to you for support.
Nope... huge mistake. Don’t EVER involve the feds unless you’re ready to deal with the unintended consequences. Had a buddy do that to his wife thinking he’d get the kids... backfired big time. Wife got put in rehab, the kids were put into the system because my buddy had a DUI conviction from before he even met that devil woman. Kids got caught up in a whole bunch of bad things. Nope, sometime the devil you know is better than the one you don’t.
I don't speak Acronym, how about typing in Engrish?.....Sheesh!
Maybe the problem lies in the fact she doesn't speak Acronym? Try English and see what happens..........
With that being said, I think your best bet is to talk to a licensed marriage counselor or psychologist rather than a bunch of strangers on the internet............but that's just my opinion which means nothing.......
In all honesty, if my in-law came to visit my children in my home and continued to ignore me even though s/he knew it upset me, I just might reach a point where I had enough, too.
Add to this the same in-law pulling aside my husband to bad mouth me in the name of love and proteching my children, and I would probably reach a point where the in-law's presence in my home and among my family was too toxic and would implement a time-out.
Like it or not, it behooves you to remember this is not your marriage, that is not your home and they are not your children.
If you visit with your grandchildren once a month, on average, why not be cordial to their mother as you build a strong bond with the children? It may take practice, but it just might be worth it.
Anyway, just my $.02. I wish all of you the very best.
I would agree with documenting everything and contacting a lawyer for legal advice. Whether you choose to act on it or not is totally up to you, but the advice is needed.
Be aware though, that as batcrap crazy as she is, if you really push things with her, she could very likely accuse you of sexual abuse with the kids to get you out of the picture permanently and to ruin your life in general.
I had a sister-in-.law who decided to divorce my brother and she accused him of molesting her daughter, just to try to keep him away from her. And she admitted that to me herself. It wasn’t just an assumption on my part of why she accused him of it.
Keep that in mind when talking to the lawyer and ask him about the ramifications of that.
In the meantime, pray like never before. God can often provide solutions that we never would have expected.
Your daughter-in-law has some very serious issues to deal with from her past, and until and unless she addresses them, it’s unlikely things will change for you.
I will pray for a resolution to this problem.
Thanks. It’s hard-won.
Went through a lotta crap to get here.
Dealt with conservatorship, the vA, loss of executive function, elder abuse, gold diggers, contested conservatorship... I’ve seen the belly of the beast.
Here’s a FREE tip:
DO NOT EVER permit a psychologist to persuade you that the elder in your care NEEDS to be online for beneficial socialization. If they are Conserved — for ANY reason — they have ZERO business being on the internet. EVER.
Sounds like good advice.
That’s what I thought until I looked it up.
Sad story. She is depressed. She is suffering and the children are suffering. The solution is to do what the Hoarders tv show does: bring in a therapist and an organizer to clean up the house and to find out why she cannot clean. Heartbreaking for everyone involved.
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