Posted on 11/08/2021 11:55:15 AM PST by Az Joe
Please excuse the personal nature of this story but I am getting very desperate and I thought there would be others on here that have dealt with a similar situation who might have advice/suggestions/etc
My son married this gal (SWMBO) 10 years ago. As time has gone on she has become more and more: Controlling, domineering, misandristic (hatred of men), you name the pathology.
Obviously, sad to admit, my son has completely lost his balls. He works hard and prefers to lay back and let her run roughshod over my 3 grandkids, me, him and whoever else might cross her path. SWMBO drops the 3 kids off at school in the morning and then does nothing until she goes and picks them up at the end of the day. She certainly doesn't clean the house or yard up. I think she plays computer games/watches TV all day. She doesn’t do much to keep up her physical appearance. My son comes home from work and takes the kids out to the park or community pool while she stays home. She does cook the meals. I watch the dogs on occasion for them while they’re up north a hundred miles to her mothers for several days. Once I found the kitchen in a horrible state of filth. Food on the floor, (chunks of it,) dishes piled in the sink and all over the counters two feet high. The children’s rooms a total disaster area. It was sickening. So I went to work and did what I could. But I felt heartbroken for my son, who works so hard to provide for his family.
SWMBO has become enraged with me a couple of times to the point, that at times, if I didn't walk away, I think she may have physically attacked me when I have simply ignored her and went about my business of visiting my son and my 3 grandkids. She tries to be extremely provocative in order to get me to respond and get myself in trouble. Fortunately I know women like her and remain calm.
My son, on the other hand, was raised by me, a full-time single father from the time my son was 2 until he went off to college at 18. He missed school less than 5 days in his entire life, played varsity football and baseball, graduated 28th out of 530 in his HS class, was/is an Eagle Scout and was accepted and went to the University of Illinois in Champaign, IL a very, very good school. He was universally praised by others, (friends, relatives, coaches, scout leaders) as a “good kid” and I have always been very proud of him. Good Conservative loves Trump guy. It breaks my heart to see him and my grandkids in this situation. I don’t know what happened to him.
My son came back from college, all his friends had moved on or moved away and he was understandably lonely while getting readjusted to his new location. SWMBO was a friend of his cousin's wife (another SWMBO) and they were introduced. My read on it all was that she saw what a great prospect he was and got her hooks into him. My one area of fault while raising him was I did not date much while I was raising him and bring a lot of women into his life and did not train him in the ways of the female sex, especially the desperate to marry, staring down age 30, SWMBO types. My son’s mother was an awful alcoholic and is/has been no help to him in many areas of his life. I was mother and father to him. His mother is in no shape to be of any help in this situation even now.
I know my son was a grown man when he met her, but I am so sorry I wasn’t watching more closely at the time. I fear for the children and my son and their future. When I have visited with the grandkids SWMBO has to be there or my son. As if I am on probation and need supervision. I have NEVER been allowed to be alone with any of my grandchildren for more than a few minutes. There is NOTHING…NOTHING about me, or in my past, that necessitates this.
Recently (last July) in an enraged fit, she banned me from coming over or having any contact with the grandkids for my horrible act of ignoring her. How dare I ignore her! I always saw my grandkids at least once a month if not 2 or 3 times a month. Now it has been almost 4 months. Missed the first birthday in September out of the 27 birthdays the 3 grandkids have had. My birthday in August was completely ignored. SWMBO is using the children as a weapon and has taken them, for all intents and purposes, as hostages.
My grandchildren and I, (1 boy, 2 girls) have ALWAYS had a very close and wonderful relationship. They are/were the joy of my life. I love children anyway and when they came along, I was in heaven. I wonder at times if she was jealous of how well the children, and I get along and how much they love me. What she is doing is hurting everyone, the kids, me, and my son but he can’t seem to muster the guts to stand up to her. It’s like he has Stockholm Syndrome and sides with his terrorist captor. He may even be an abused husband, as the things I’ve seen in person are probably not even close to what happens when I’m not there.
I have tried…. over and over and over and over again …to make things right with her over the years. Invited her out for coffee so we could talk over and resolve our differences, bestowed very nice gifts on her and the children, made sure I treated her mother and her mother’s husband with respect, been as supportive as I can be in any area support was needed. Her mother sees the kids a lot more than I ever did/do btw. She misses all most all of my family’s large gatherings. The best compliment, acknowledgment, I have ever gotten out of SWMBO is: “I don’t DISLIKE you.”.
We are trying family counseling. My son and I have gone over the last month or so, but I don’t even know if SWMBO has seen the counselor. SWMBO and my son are masters of passive-aggressive (and sometimes just aggressive) manipulation. I don’t know where the counseling is going.
The laws in my state (AZ) only enforce grandparents’ rights is very narrow circumstances. If a couple have divorced or one parent has died, etc. I don’t fit into any of applicable categories.
I’ve thought of suing SWMBO for intentional infliction of emotional distress (which is horrific & extremely painful) and consulting a family law attorney to see what can be done. I see evidence of abusive anger and actions by SWMBO and high frustration in my son’s behavior. SWMBO’s mother is useless for any help and the fact she moved FURTHER away from SWMBO and her own grandkids may be telling.
I know I’ll get hit from all angles on this good and bad. I don’t care. Any suggestions, ideas, referrals to legal contacts are welcome.
I will walk through fire for my wonderful grandchildren and I will NEVER, EVER give up on them and their future, EVER!
He wants to love in hell and there is nothing you can do about it. Wish them well and move on.
I’m sorry you have such a toxic daughter in law. It’s definitely not right to put the children in the middle. Are you sure drugs are not involved? Or maybe some should be, for her, by a psychiatrist.
I am sorry they have cut you out of important family events. But I have faith you will persevere and do the right thing.
What’s a SWMBO?
Your not alone as I’ve had three close friends in the same situation. Sorry it doesn’t get any better.
Take #2 advice.
She Who Must Be Obeyed
Selfish, lazy, and controlling people are going to keep on being selfish, lazy, and controlling until they either get closer to Jesus or have a humbling experience that devastates them (which would be bad for your son too).
Biden was wrong in 2008 when he said on the campaign trail as veep-wanna-be: "This election is about a three-letter-word: J-O-B-S!". But I'm right when I tell you that this situation is about the ultimate three letter word: G-O-D.
Ahh! Thank you!
Take pictures of the filth, then call your state’s equivalent of Social/Family Services................
Yah,but Rumpole never had to call the police on Hilda!
Single White Management By Objectives?
She Who Must Be Obeyed
That post is a bit lengthy for me to study closely, but here are some of my thoughts:
1) Stop referring to her as “SWMBO”? Maybe call her your crazy daughter-in-law. Or your son’s crazy wife. Or the mother of your grandkids.
2)In a few years the kids will be 18 years old. It will suck to see them so rarely as seems to be the situation right now. But those kids will have a very tough time growing up. You will need to be creative, but you can find ways to spend time with them, give them reasons to want to be with you. And for them to know that you are someone that loves them and has a safe environment for them to visit, if needed.
Don’t be too hard on yourself. Or on your son. It really hurts to see your kids make mistakes. But if you love him, you can’t live his life for him.
I’m dealing with SWMBO daughter in law as well, in a different way but just as bad or worse. Best thing you can do is keep your relationship with your son strong and make it stronger any way possible.
You can’t fix crazy, self centered people - I’ve tried, my wife tried, did everything imaginable, nothing works.
Pray God changes her heart.
1.) Do what you have to for your grandchildren.
And since that means their mother is the gate keeper you are going to have to make her happy or at least happy enough that she does not cut off your access.
2.)Oppose her and lose access to them. Which means that if they need you, you will not be there.
No, it is not fair.
Life isn't.
I had to cut a family member out of my life because she was making my family miserable. It was a sacrifice and means that some people are upset with me but my obligation, as I saw it, was to protect my family.
Reference post 2. You posted a lot about the bitty, but now much about your conversations with your son? How many REAL heart to hearts have you had with him?
He isn’t stuck, as much as a divorce is terrible, especially with kids involved, it really sounds like he is the breadwinner, and more decent of the 2.
But in the end, talk to your son, make your position absolutely known, and quit feeding into the bitty’s quest for power and control. She is feeding on the stress and drama, and you’re giving her plenty of food. I know you want to be a good grandpa, but allowing her to run roughshod isn’t good.
“Take pictures of the filth, then call your state’s equivalent of Social/Family Services................”
I think dealing with things in-family is much preferable unless you have clear evidence of abuse or deprivation which can be objectively shown. Otherwise, once you start down that path you can’t go back and involvement of the state might lead to ramifications you haven’t anticipated.
I sounds like there is no reasoning with her. She’s got the ultimate leverage that all psychotic women will use - children.
You can complain and point out her faults, but always do it with a smile on your face.
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