How do you survive a male mid-life crisis? (Vanity)

[ScubieNuc]

Midlife Conundrum

How does it happen? You marry your High School sweetheart, get a dependable job, do all the “right things”, and you still get a nagging feeling that something about you is dieing?

I shouldn’t feel this way. I am blessed beyond what I deserve. I have smart, beautiful, healthy kids. I have a wife that loves me. I am a respected member of my community, and yet I feel in a rut.

Two thoughts come to mind….First one is call the “Whaaaambulance”, suck it up, and quit whining. Problem with that is that the "dieing in a rut" feeling doesn’t go away, it gets worse.

Second thought is to tell my wife about this. Problem with that is that she has lost her self confidence and will regress into a belief that she has failed me, and shut down in a “woe is me” fit.

Obviously, there are many reasons for this growing impasse. Some of my problems are tied to the fact that I am not a romantic cuss. I hate Valentines day, I don’t get excited about mine or others birthdays, I don’t memorize anniversary details, I laugh during sappy movies, and I believe in practical gifts instead of sappy gifts.

I figured that substance over flash would win out, but I am finding out that is not always the case. While I’m trying to do more flash, it seems fake. I’m sure that there is more that I’m missing about my faults, but my main point is that I know that I have things to work on to improve our relationship.

I know that one of our problems centers around…..Gasp, sex. I always have to instigate. It is beginning to feel as though I’m her slave. I put my feelings out there to get them shot down at least 60% of the time. Since she doesn’t instigate, it feels as though she doesn’t get excited by me. She thinks instigating is facing me in bed, or a longer kiss at bed time. Those are just signals that she is interested, but it definitely isn’t pursuing me. We have talked about this but nothing has changed. The problem now is that I am becoming less and less interested in instigating, which means less and less sex. Less sex has lowered her self esteem, which means even a lower chance of her instigating. I am beginning to see a seriously bad downward spiral.

The main reason I putting this out there is that maybe talking about it, will help me find some tools or encouragement to save my marriage. I am being drawn toward the allure of something more exciting, but I don’t want to ruin what I have or what my wife and kids have. I truly love my wife and kids, but I yearn deeply to have that newlywed excitement again and to feel desired. I don’t want to do what is wrong. Help!

[freedumb2003]

Maybe I could do something once a month, forever, but doesn't even that become routine, and fake?

You know women better than you think.

[HairOfTheDog]

Just my own instinct, but the man doesn't strike me as someone who doesn't know his wife.

I hate to give advice on how to treat a woman I don't know. The suggestions of flowers and such wouldn't do much for me, but I'm an atypical woman and what makes me tick would probably not necessarily work for your wife.

I think like you. Trite gifts are a rather lame attempt to get a trite response to a trite desire... Guys want sex so guys buy flowers to try to pretend they really want to be romantic enough to get sex. The best suggestion I heard on the thread was from the guy who said have roses delivered the day ~after~ sex. BINGO! (Preferably while you're at work and she's alone.)

So, reluctant as I am to give advice for a woman I don't know, I'd sit down with her this morning and say "What would you like to do this summer?" And if she rattles off chores or stuff that needs done, say "no no no... I mean for fun. We need a new hobby. What would you like to go do?" And be willing to really rekindle some fun in life by finding it with her.

That's just one tip... may or may not be appropriate.

[ScubieNuc]

"One idea might be to get her a puppy as a present. If she likes it she can work off some weight as both partners walk the dog."

We have two dogs already. Buying them was her idea that I supported. You combine that with 3 kids and normal work loads it adds to time spent away from each other.

It's not that I am a total cold fish, it also has to do with her putting some effort in showing me the little things too. I actually do the dishes and laundry when I'm at home. I do open doors and say "I love you" in public. The point is that there is a hitch in our relationship, and I haven't found the answer yet. I'm not giving up though.

Sincerely

[jellybean]

Hope I'm wrong.

I hope you're wrong too. (Nothing personal :) )

When he starts looking for solutions and stops giving excuses why something can't be done, I'll believe he's sincere.

[ScubieNuc]

" I'd sit down with her this morning and say "What would you like to do this summer?" And if she rattles off chores or stuff that needs done, say "no no no... I mean for fun. We need a new hobby. What would you like to go do?"

Uncanny! Seriously, you know my wife better then you think. She is always taking free time to do chores. Good suggestion.

[najida]

Just my own instinct, but the man doesn't strike me as someone who doesn't know his wife.

Fair enough. I'm kinda 50/50 on this. It seems that they aren't each other's best friend, and that is probably the biggest problem. My questions are the usual check list of how well do you know someone.

If he's confiding in us, and she's confiding in someone else (hense my 'best friend' question), then they are just roommates who are raising each other's kids.

I agree that flowers may not be the answer. Again, my cooking eggs in the morning analogy. Nothing says I love you more than an act done that brings you nothing and them everything.

And yeah, some of my best, most loving gifts have been off kilter---- A truck load of horse manure for my garden (hand dug by giver ;), a cookbook by my favorite chef, an antique piece of jewelry to fill out a set etc. The issue is knowing that person so well that you know what will bring them the greatest joy.

I'm not a football fan, but if I fell in love with someone who was, I'd try to develop a decent interest and respect their fandom ;). Same with them developing a healthy tolerance or even moderate participation in some of my activities. Nothing is a relationship/love killer like someone who hates or holds a beloved interest in contempt.

Ideally, like you said, a shared hobby or interest is needed. But it clearly needs to come from her, not her responding to what she thinks he wants. Does that make sense?

[ScubieNuc]

Thank you for all your responses. I few good smacks upside my selfish ego is starting to clear some cobwebs.

A few posts/mail that mentioned the death of a loved one, makes me realize how short sighted I can be. My pain is NOTHING compared to theirs. Tunnel vision makes one think their problems are greater then they really are.

I have gotten alot of good advice, and I will begin to implement operation "Restore Relationship" ASAP.

Thanks again for the wake up.

Sincerely

[HairOfTheDog]

~smiles~

I liked the story on the prior page about the hamburger hunt. That sounds like fun, but for me it would be the perfect fettucine... for your and your wife, it might be something else. :~D

The only other thing that keeps occuring to me is to resist having some fantasy in your head about how she might respond or what it might get you if you do this or that. She's not gonna become a different person, any more than you are. You're familiar to each other, and it's not as exciting as it was. That's normal.

You're not probably going to find ~anything~ that is going to make her suddenly turn into the tip of woman who jumps you like a scene in a naughty movie ;~D

If there are times when the first time you know she's interested is when you are in bed, trust me there were signs before that. Women aren't maintenance free, she prepared herself to get there and be ready when you got to bed. She likely bathed and shaved her legs, put on something that she felt good in that was easily accessible, other things you just didn't know to notice at the time. The times when she is ready, she's initiating to you in the way she knows how.

I'll give you another hint... sometimes at the moment when you do the 'approach' and it's shot down, it's not you, it's her. You grab, she thinks, "Eeek... I haven't shaved my legs and I have that 'not so fresh feeling" She doesn't want you to see her like that so she turns you down.

So here's the key. When you want her, give her time to think the idea over and get prepared.

just a couple rambling cents... ;~D

[HairOfTheDog]

Heh... Manure is one thing we have too much of, with three horses on the place :~D

This stuff is hard to talk about with the wife, and I think he was smart not to... He's learned that the truth is, you can't approach a woman and say anything like "I know that one of our problems centers around…..Gasp, sex...." and have the conversation not hurt her right where he least wants to, her libido. Suddenly she's faced with all her own insecurities flashing before her eyes and the proof of her inadequacy, her unhappy husband.

It's a non-starter, always is. This poster is smart to know that, really.

[Nita Nupress]

So... Are you going to come back in a few months and share? 'Cause I hate it when we never find out the ending of the story. :-)

[najida]

Well, as a woman,
I know that lack of interest in sex can have roots in the relationship...
OK, with kids, it can be exhaustion also, but often, if something is lacking or wrong in the relationship, the first place it shows is in the bedroom.

And yeah, if a man hits a woman with "you're not so hot in the sack" he may be hit back with "Well, trying having sex with a jackass and see what it's like!" >:> Granted, he may instantly think "But I'm a great lover!" while she's thinking "You forget every birthday, anniversary, important day or event...you keep buying me strawberry ice cream when I'm allergic to strawberries....and I'm freezing in this house, but you won't even turn the thermostat up one degree! Just one, that's all I ask!"

(the above was actually the reason a friend divorced her hubby of 30 years ;) )

Sex is the marker of something way more wrong that just low libido in a woman, in my experience, that is.

I don't know, we're hearing one side. I'm a bit curious as to the other side :)

[HairOfTheDog]

Sex is the marker of something way more wrong that just low libido in a woman, in my experience, that is.

Exactly. We're saying much the same thing. That since the above is true it almost never works to make the conversation about sex.

[ScubieNuc]

"It seems that they aren't each other's best friend, and that is probably the biggest problem."

I think that you may be on to something. However, that ties into what our interests are. I like to talk about Politics, Christianity, and History. When I try to talk to her about these things, her eyes glaze over and then the subject gets changed. I am also guilty of this when she wants to talk about crafts, or decorating, etc. The net result has become alot of small talk, and that is not all that friends talk about.

Another aspect of friendship and talking is her talking with her Mom. She talks with her Mom at least 5 times a week. I'm not against that completely, but I know that she entrusts more with her Mom than she does me. This began innocently enough when I was in the Navy on long deployments, but it has grown into a dependence that maybe I'm jealous/confused about.

In your opinion, is that Mother/Daughter communication thing normal? It's not in my family. I have a strong feeling that if I encroach on this communication thing, I will get slapped down in a hurry.

As far as my Best Friend thing goes, I have none. I can talk with people at work about Politics, Religion, history, etc., but there isn't somebody that I confide things in. That's probably why I posted this on the internet, so that I could get some feedback.

My wife was the only person that I could confide in, but as of late, that hasn't been happening. Maybe one of the keys to revival is re-establishing some kind of real conversation.

Thanks for the insight.

[ScubieNuc]

I promise. I will implement some changes and report back on the progress.

Thanks for the advice.


8^)

[HairOfTheDog]

The conversations with mom are a blessing she will not always have. I lost my mom and still wish I could pick up the phone and call her. And I talk to my dad a lot too. It's not unhealthy, and shouldn't be a threat you should be jealous about. :~D

If she's not interested in politics or the type of God talk you do here... then do that here, it's like her talking to her mom about stuff she knows you aren't interested in. You guys need a hobby to talk about, or something else. :~D

[ScubieNuc]

"If she's not interested in politics or the type of God talk you do here... then do that here,"

That's what drew me to FR is the excellent interaction between people. I am especially thankful today to have FR as a sounding board. Alot of excellent analysis and input to hash over.

I wont try to stop her from talking to her Mom (as if I could), but just like my going to FR for communication, her going to her Mom may be taking away from our communication with each other.

[Petronski]

Take a vacation to Vegas, just you and her. But give it a twist. Take separate flights, and start out in separate rooms.

Then "pretend" to meet in the lounge and "pretend" to have a steamy illicit affair.

Dress differently than usual, make your fantasy whatever you want: you're an up-and-coming poker player, she's an out-of-work cocktail waitress, whatever. Play it to the hilt. When you're together, don't talk about anything from real life.

Spice things up. Get to know each other all over again.

[Petronski]

"Never stop dating your wife..."

Now THERE is wisdom. Exactly.

[najida]

First off, women bond pretty strongly to other women...mothers, sisters, friends etc, so her bond with her mother is pretty normal. In my opinion, that's one of the reasons women live longer and handle aging better. They have social circles that progress with them as they age.

It does sound like you guys need to work on active listening. Admitting that you may not be enthralled by their interest, but you're open to listening and letting the other talk about it. And it's a trade off. Funny, but often you find that if you care for someone you learn to at least appreciate and enjoy vicariously what they enjoy.

I also know (as a female) that men respond to problems or issues with a 'she wants me to fix this!' when usually, she just wants someone to hear what she's saying. Period. That's probably what she's doing with her Mom. Just venting, vetting, kvetching etc. I know myself that I got tired of trying to tell my hubby about my rough day at work because it became a 1 hour monologue on how I should handle it next time.

Telling Mom meant all I got was a "Hey, been there, done that, know how you feel!" and nothing more. Just a mental hug and support. That's all you want sometimes.

Like others have said, you guys have got to find commonalities again. Why did you marry her in the beginning? What did you talk about then? I'm sure there is SOMETHING out there you both like, or at least enjoy bantering about.

Yep, ya gotta court her again. But wasn't that the fun part of the relationship before?

[ScubieNuc]

I appreciate the idea, but it has an eery feel to it. Kind of like a warm up to an affair. An affair is actually something I don't want to be more inclined to do.

I will take the idea of spicing things up to heart.

Thanks