Need help with building friendships/conversation skills (esp. for young Freepers)

2/1/03 | myself

[rwfromkansas]

Okay, I am incredibly frustrated with my social skills and I have decided to run to FR for help; I would be shocked if some good advice is not given.

Anyway, I have always been a quiet person and never had any real close friends; I had a few kids I played with, but that is about it. In my high school years, I never hung out with anyone. Now, in my freshman year in college, things are somewhat better. I have gone on my first date with a girl and also hung out with this interesting guy once. But, still, things are not what I want them to be. The girl I went on the date with still wants to hang out sometimes and also talk, and I am happy with that since she is an interesting person and I am satisfied with just friendship. Unfortunately, a major problem of mine is the inability to talk to others well.

I e-mailed this girl yesterday some ideas about things we could do together since I could not get her on the phone; I then called her today. I tried to talk about my e-mail a bit since she didn't check her e-mail today (I e-mailed her because I found out about something cool we could do together at the last minute and time was not there to wait until I could reach her on the phone). Anyway, I also asked her how she was doing and how her interterm class went. I tried to interject my comments when I could think of something to say. Then, I tried desperately to think of something else to talk about, to no avail. We just had to go ahead and wish eachother a good day.

After that phone call, I just about wanted to throw up my hands and say the heck with even trying to build a friendship with anyone if it is such a difficult thing and I can't talk about anything. Instead, I decided to try to get more help on the subject, but quite frankly, I am pretty much at a frustration level higher than the worst level on the terror alertness scale. I am sick and tired of not having people to enjoy experiences with and I am sick and tired of always struggling for how to talk to people and topics to discuss. It just about makes me cry I am so frustrated.

To further describe my problem, I seem to never be able to branch off into side discussions off of a main topic. For example, I am not adept at asking a person about something that I think of because of something else they said. Of course, things to talk about in general is a huge area of difficulty for me. Pretty much school, work, or church is about it. Current events also sometimes, but none of these topics make for memorable conversation and the building of friendships; once I talk about these things, I am pretty much tapped out. And no, learning things about a lot of subjects doesn't help diddly, unlike some people say. It hasn't helped me one whit.

I would really appreciate everyone's ideas on lasting conversation and also a list of suggested conversation topics.....I could really use some help with more conversation topics that help build friendships beyond just saying "hi" in the hall and perhaps talking at work or lunch a bit. That is all I can ever seem to get to and it is so old. Also, I would love some help in making conversation funny.....interjecting humor into it, as that makes it more enjoyable and less "same old, same old." I don't have a very obvious humor, but one girl that goes to my college (and I know from my trip to Israel in 1999) laughs at things I say all the time and says I am real funny, so I must have a dry sense of humor that not everybody picks up on.

One other thing, I tend to get afraid of talking to people when they are in a group. It makes me feel like I am interfering or something if I go up to talk to a person. Is this an unreasonable fear?

I especially am interested in any young Freepers who can provide some help.

Thanks for any help....I sincerely thank you for any advice. I just don't know what the heck is wrong with me.

[rwfromkansas]

Thanks for any help, Freepers.

[rwfromkansas]

I guess what upsets me so much is that I only want just a few friends that I can go do things with or talk to about important things. I don't need 20 friends, just 2 or 3. I can't even seem to do that.

[katnip]

Do you live at home or in a dorm?

[rwfromkansas]

Dorm; 3 roommates (well, really 2 since one doesn't even sleep down here anymore despite still 'officially' being here). I do sometimes make a Coastal run with one of my roommates. He is just so hyper though; I need someone a bit more mellow for other things.....

[rwfromkansas]

Calvinist bump. Thanks for any help if you want to give any.

[rwfromkansas]

Calvinist bump...thanks for any help if you want to give any.

[still lurking]

Do you attend a church in the area?

[jude24]

Get involved. MEet other college students. Interpersonal relationships develop from there. Join a religious or professional group. (BTW, what school do you go to?)

Realize that there will be days when you make a complete jackass of yourself. Apologize, but realize that's okay. We're all idiots at times.

[rwfromkansas]

Yes. There are not many young people that attend since it is a small church, but it does have a decent group of college students. In fact, the girl who wants to be friends attends there and she and I are usually the only ones that show up to the college Bible study the church has every Tuesday. She also works at the library, though we won't work together during second semester. During this interterm period, we did work together one evening a week.

[rwfromkansas]

Sterling college: www.sterling.edu

Great school, though they need to remodel their dorms.

[katnip]

The hyper one sounds like he can get you out of your shell though. You don't need any mellow friends right now.
It's time to have a little fun and lighten up.

I'm a middle aged woman, so I don't know what it's like to be a young man in college.
It seems to me that you need to make some male friends first.
Play a sport. Get interested in cars. Join a club at school (even if you don't love it).
Get a part time job, many friends are made at work.

The girl may be just a uncomfortable as you in the beginning of your friendship.
Be the one who's willing to be foolish

[jude24]

Great school, though they need to remodel their dorms.

Brought a chuckle to mind. The dorms in Buffalo look like something a kid would build with Legos.

I'm from NY, so I don't know squat about Kansas geography. How far are you from K-state? (I ask because I know someone involved in their Navigators group.)

Dude, you sound like you have the same struggles I had. I can sympathize.

[rwfromkansas]

I do work for the library and also write the conservative political column in the campus paper (many people have stopped me to compliment me on that). There are not many clubs on campus, but I will see what there are.

[still lurking]

Find a club/group at church that is within your hours and go! Go to everything possible. Talk to everyone there about something. It is very difficult to make a great friend by remaining silent. Groups afford you the luxery of small conversations. No one knows that you want friends until your out there.

I prefer to meet people of like faith, saving the angst of uncomfortable social situations. Don't discount friendships with older people. They can become mentors.

I wish you the best.

[drstevej]

RW, you're a bright guy as is evidenced from your posts here. Rather than giving advice, you will be in my prayers that He would provide some key friendships for you.

[rwfromkansas]

I was a little uncomfortable just spreading this on FR and bothering people, but I am sure there are others that have the same problem.....I remember some from high school.

I am about 3 hours from K-State.....:)

[rwfromkansas]

Thanks. My pastor is an awesome friend (a young guy too in his late 20's). I seem to make friends with adults better than folks my own age. It was weird that in high school, I could stay and talk with my teachers for a minute or more after class, but couldn't talk to kids my own age very well. Anyway, thanks for the advice.

[jude24]

Don't worry about that, thats what we're here for.

[Calvinist_Dark_Lord]

rw,

don't know if i am the one you should take "social advice" from...i've been pretty eccentric and antisocial my whole life. On top of that, i am probably old enough to be your father, so there are generational issues. The only thing i could really tell you is to live your life...do the things that interest you, because they interest others also (unless you are into being a hermit:^D). You will eventually, at your own pace, form friendships with those people, and again, at your own pace, branch out to other places and people. For what ever it may be worth, that is about all i can tell you...Believe God.

[Jen]

RW, you've already been given some good advice so the only thing I can add is if you want people to think you are a brilliant conversationalist, get them to talking about something they know about and love -- themselves! Ask lots of questions about them and their family and interests. Be inquisitive about other people and they will open up to you and you can begin to form friendships. Look people in the eye, say hello and SMILE! You say you are shy, but act "as if" you are outgoing and be genuinely interested in other people and you will draw them to you. (Oh, and get away from the computer and interact with humans more.) :-) Good luck!