JOKE THREAD

I never see a running joke thread in here....so I thought I'd start one since I received this great joke. Hope you will add on.....

An old cowboy dressed to kill with a cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink.

As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"

The cowboy replied, "Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences, I guess I am." After a short while he asked her what she was.

She replied, "I've never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, work, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women."

A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink.

A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm probably a lesbian."

The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The townsman watched as he slowly dismounted and tied his horse to the rail outside the saloon.

The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of the horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss were the sun don't shine.

As he then walked by, the townsman had to comment. "I could help but notice you as you got off your horse. That's quite an unusual ritual."

"Yep," replied the cowboy. "I got me some bad chapped lips."

"And that cures them?" asked the townsman.

"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' em."

The cowhand got paid on Friday and immediately rode into town and proceeded to get thoroughly $hitfaced.

A couple of pals decided to play a trick on him. They snuck out, turned his horse around, and went back to join the hapless for a few more rounds.

The next morning, when the alarm clock and a glass of cold water in the face failed to have the slightest effect, the cowhand's wife started shaking him by the shoulders and screaming, "Tex, get up! You have to hit the damn trail, you've got work to do."

"Can't," mumbled Tex. "Too beat. Too tired. Can't even lift my head."

"Get the hell up!" she screamed in his ear. "I've seen you this hungover a thousand times."

"Last night was different," said the wretched fellow. "Some son of a bitch cut my horse's head off, and I had to pull him all the way home with my finger in his windpipe!"

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was a queer and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the queer, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. However, one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty and found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace. She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did so, slowly.

"Now take off my socks." He did.

"Now, take off my skirt." He did.

"Now take off my bra." Again with trembling hands he did as he was told.

"Now," she said, take off my panties," He slowly pulled them down and then off.

Then she looked at him and said, "Don't you ever wear my clothes to town again!"

A chemistry teacher wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms. "Now, class. Observe the worms closely," said the teacher putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a door nail."Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the teacher asked.

Johnny, who naturally sits at the back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."

Fred and George were sitting at the bar talking. Fred has a stuttering problem

Fred: “GGGG George, Mary and I bor-bor bor-broke up last night”

George: “What happened, you were about to get married”

Fred: “LLLLLast night she was over my ap-ap ap apartment. The li-li-li lights were low and the fi-fi-fire in the fireplace. The d-d-d-d-dog was at the foot of the couch. He was sc-sc-sc-sc scratching his ba-ba-back. I said to Mary. GGGGG gee Mary when we are ma-ma-married you ca-ca-ca can do that to mememe. She got up and slapped mememememe.

George “ I know Mary is somewhat of a prude, but scratching your back after you are married.

Fred “bybybyby the time I got it it it it it out he was licking his ba@@s

And more jokes at this link, too!.........

Osama bin Laden Phones President Bush!

Osama bin Laden phoned President George W. Bush. "I had a dream about the United States," he said. "I could see the whole country, and over every building and home was a banner," said bin Laden.

"What was on the banner?" asked President Bush.

"LONG LIVE OSAMA!" answered the terrorist scum.

"I am so glad that you called," said President Bush, "because I too had a dream. In my dream, I saw Afghanistan and it was more beautiful than ever; totally rebuilt, and over every building and home was a big, beautiful banner."

"What did the banner say?" asked Osama.

"I don't know," answered President Bush, "I can't read Hebrew."

> > >
> > > A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
> > > After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor
> > replied,
> > > "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass
of
> > > vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a
> > sip."
> > >
> > > So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of
the
> > > sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. Yet, his nerves were still
> > > rattled, so
> > > he took another drink....and another....and another. Well needless to
> > > say, he
> > > proceeded to talk up a storm.
> > >
> > > Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note
on
> > > the door:
> > > 1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
> > > 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
> > > 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
> > > 4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
> > > 5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
> > > 6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
> > > 7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy,
Junior
> > > and the Spook.
> > > 8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
> > > 9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,
> > > don't say he was stoned off his ass.
> > > 10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
> > > 11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take
> > > this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
> > > 12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
> > > 13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub
> > > thanks for the grub, yeah God.
> > > 14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at
> > > St.Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St.Taffy's.

A 5th teacher told her class that she would ask a question two minutes before the dismissal bell on Friday. Who ever answered the question correctly would have Monday off.

The next Friday the teacher asked the question “Please Explain Einstein’s theory”. No child could answer the question. The next Friday she asked ever a more difficult question. No correct answer was given.

Little Ronnie wanted so much to have a Monday off so on Thursday night he took two of he dad’s golf balls and painted them Black. On Friday just before the teacher was about to ask the question, little Ronnie took the golf balls out of his pocket and rolled them up to the front of the classroom having them bounce off the wall. The teacher got mad turned around to the class and yelled

“OK who is the comedian with the two black balls”

Ronnie stands up and shouts “Flip Wilson and I will see you Tuesday”.

P.S. Flip Wilson clearly dates me, you may have to update the comedian!!!

This little boy goes to his Dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well, son let me try to explain it to you this way...
I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me 'Capitalism'.
Your Mom, she's the administrator of the household, so we'll call her the
Government.We're here to take care of YOUR needs, so we'll call you'The
People'.
The nanny, well, she works hard all day for very little money, so we'll
consider her 'The Working Class'.
And your baby brother... we'll call him 'The Future'.
Now, think about that and see if it makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what his Dad had said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check
on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy
goes
to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to
wake
her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks into
the
keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and
goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think
I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you
think politics is all about".
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the
Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, The People are being
ignored, and the Future is in Deep Shit."

A husband and wife are driving and they get pulled over by a policeman. The policeman gets to the car and asks for the man's license.

The man replies, "why do yo need my license? What did I do wrong?" The policeman answers, " You were traveling 45 mph in a 30 mph zone." "Come on officer", the man replies. "You know I was only going 35".

"No you weren't!", quips the wife, "I told you you were speeding! I told you not to go fast. I knew you'd get a ticket!"

"SHUT UP!", grunts the husband.

The policeman continues, "I'm also charging you for going through a red light back there." "Officer," the man explains, 'you know as well as I , that that light was yellow, not red." The wife pipes in, "No, it was most definitely red- I todl you it was red. I told you."

At this point the husband is infuriated. He yells at his wife, "SHUT UP!" The policeman exclaims, "Hey! Stop yelling at your wife!" He then turns to the wife and asks, "Does he always talk to you this way?" She calmly replies, "No. Only when he's been drinking."

A 5th teacher told her class that she would ask a question two minutes before the dismissal bell on Friday. Who ever answered the question correctly would have Monday off.

Little Ronnie wanted so much to have a Monday off so on Thursday night he took to of he dad’s golf balls and painted them Black. On Friday just before the teacher was about to ask the question, little Ronnie took the golf balls out of his pocket and rolled them up to the front of the classroom having them bounce off the wall. The teacher got mad turned around to the class and yelled

“OK who is the comedian with the two black balls”

Ronnie stands up and shouts “Flip Wilson and I will see you Tuesday”.>p?

Two Browns fans and a Steelers fan are walking down a street when they see a naked woman lying dead in the street. One of the Browns fans takes his Browns cap off and puts it over let's say "half her chest", then calls the cops on his cell phone. The other Browns fan puts his cap on "the other half" and the Steelers fan puts his cap "lower".
The cops arrive and one of the officers lifts each cap to check for evidence. He keeps re-lifting the lowest cap again and again. Finally his partner asks what he thinks he's doing.
"This is wierd", the first cop says. "Usually when you see a Steelers cap it's on an a-hole".
***************
During training camp, Bill Cowher was trying to demonstrate to his players the importance of toughness. He had one of the trainers release an angry Rottweiler. The dog ran snarling up to Cowher, bit him square in the crotch, and held on tight.
Cowher didn't even flinch. He belted the dog in the side of the head. The dog let go, and ran away yipping.
Bill looked around and focused on one of his players in most dire need of the lesson. "Kordell!", he yelled. "You want to give that a try."
Kordell Stewart smiled uneasily and responded "Sure, Coach! But don't hit me so hard, okay?".

-Eric

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