Why do men cheat on their wives?

Ask Dr Gaylen ^

[Hillary's Lovely Legs]

do  Why Do Men Cheat on Their Wives?

QUESTION:  

My husband is very much a flirt. Because of this as well as numerous other reasons, I think my husband is having an affair. I don?t think I am lust being paranoid. Please give me some help in understanding why men cheat, because I don?t think it is just me.   

  ANSWER:  

Your dilemma is one that is all too common. You are probably right when you say that it is not ?just me.?  It takes two to make a marriage or break a   marriage, and it takes two to have an affair. The fact that he has always been ?a flirt? suggests that, at one time, he was that way with you. You probably responded in a way that made him feel special, wanted, and needed, and reinforced his flirting behavior. This ties in with

 the first and main reason why men have affairs: to feed  their ego. The problem with us males is that feeling good about ourselves, or meeting our ?ego needs,? is our primary goal in life. Therefore, the first reason why men get involved in affairs is that it feeds their egos.

   The second reason is what we call ?misplaced anger.? For example lets consider the husband who is really mad at his wife for whatever reason. He may have an affair with some other woman as a way of making his wife ?pay. ? Instead of directing his anger toward her (which he may be afraid to do), or expressing the anger in a way that will help the relationship change, he just has sex with some other woman This action then feeds his ego (because someone else wants him), so he now feels good (physically and emotionally) and he doesn?t feel as angry with his wife. In his anger, he has made her pay.

   The third reason why men have affairs is boredom. The Bible (Proverbs 9:1 7) tells us  ?stolen melons are the sweetest,  stolen apples taste the best.?  In modem times this means that the ?grass is greener on the other side of the fence.? ?If I don?t have enough excitement in my life, I will create some.?

5 Reasons Why Men Cheat
on Their Wives

       1.  LOSS OF EGO
             A man?s primary need is to feel good about
             himself.  When he doesn?t he finds ways to
             meet this primary goal .

       2.   MISPLACED ANGER
              He may be angry at his wife but, rather
              than  deal with problem, he has an affair to
              ? make her pay?  

        3.   BOREDOM 
              Affairs are rarely boring; they tend to be
              exciting and full of life. Even the fear of
              getting caught causes excitement.  

        4.   ESCAPE FROM EMOTIONAL PAIN  
              The male sex drive provides a distraction
               or ?vacation? from emotional pain.  

      5.   NEED FOR NURTURE & INTIMACY
               If these needs are being met, men have
               no need to look elsewhere

 Children who are raised in alcoholic homes, for example, become what we refer to as ?adult children of alcoholics.? One key characteristic is that they become easily bored with life should it become too ?stable.?  
Children in alcoholic homes are raised with nothing being stable. As adults, they are then more comfortable in an unstable environment than in a stable one. This is why they become ?bored? and actually create chaos - because it is what is most familiar or comfortable to them. We all tend to repeat our past, whether that is a positive past or a negative past. If it was unstable then, we feel most comfortable in creating an unstable one now. 

The fourth reason why men have affairs is to escape emotional pain. Our sex drive is the second strongest drive within us -second only to self-preservation. Sex therefore can easily be used as a strong distraction from some emotional pain we do not want to feel. Few things in life are more intense than fulfilling this sex drive with a climax or orgasm. For this reason, a man can use sex as a way to distract him from emotional pain, like problems at home or work. It feels good to him physically, and he gets a vacation from the rest of his feelings of hurt and pain. This is why pornography is a multi-billion dollar industry. He can receive instant gratification just by looking at a magazine, the Internet, a video, etc., and have a secondary benefit of taking a vacation from some internalized emotional pain. 

The fifth reason is the desire for nurture and intimacy. A recent study from the Florida State University found that premature babies who were massaged by their mothers on a regular daily basis developed physically 60% faster than those who did not receive this extra ?touching.? We all need human touch. It is a special form of nurture. When men don?t feel nurtured and cared for by their wives, they will seek it elsewhere. Everyone, males and females need to be nurtured with touch.

[Vicki]

He's got his excuses ready ---drop him.

Good advice, he's lying the groundwork.

[Hillary's Lovely Legs]

I was listening to the radio today, and men were complaining that women don't want nice guys. The man was being trained in how to treat women like dirt so they will like them. Personally I find it appalling.

Just keep being a nice guy. I know that I don't look for bad men, I look for nice, honest, trustworthy guys. Plain old nice guys. They don't have to be Mel Gibson, or Donald Trump.

We want the kind of guy where you can sit on a porch swing, not say a word, and when you get up you feel like you had a great conversation.

[FrogMom]

Are you Bill Clinton?

[CyberAnt]

I quit after 2 failed marriages - not sure I want to marry again, but at my age, the possibility is not that good anyway.

[Vicki]

I was talking to a 15 year old boy today. He was with two 16 year old girls. He knows them. The two girls were making out in a parking lot, and he joined in with them. This sort of thing is common today. There is no stigma associated with promiscuity with guys or gals, or combinations of the above.

The kids have been conditioned to accept promiscuity via television, public schools and liberal colleges. Oh, and lest I forget our former pres, bill clinton. Such a shame.

[Demidog]

Because they hate losing at monopoly and will cheat to win at all costs?

[Donzerly lights]

I doubt anyone is wanting to push you around. Like I said, relax. It's just that those of us who are older(and wiser?)know you usually don't get the life you ordered! You'll see. BTW, you'll have to hurt me to get my chocolate! It's ALMOST as valuable to quality of life as the good sex you were talking about.

[nobdysfool]

I appreciate your input. I try not to broadcast my past, and only mentioned it in this context as a balance point for what is traditionally considered a "male problem". I'd say I'm pretty much over it after this much time...for 6 years, I was too hurt to even think about another relationship. I don't dwell on it, and I do try to project confidence and self-assuredness. Your points are well taken, and indicate some wisdom beyond your years (although I don't know your age). My experience in the last 5 years of dating is that there are a lot of ladies out there who haven't got a clue, and are their own worst enemies.

And, to set the record straight, yes, I did share some blame in the breakup of my marriage...my sin was one of taking her for granted, and not paying attention to the small things. I know better now. I cheated once on her, after the 3rd time she cheated on me and it was purely for revenge, to make her feel what I was feeling...stupid idea. The only person I hurt was myself, and I shot my own self-esteem all to hell by doing that. Up to that point, I could claim grave injustice done to me, but afterward, I was no better than her...I will NEVER make that mistake again!

[nobdysfool]

We want the kind of guy where you can sit on a porch swing, not say a word, and when you get up you feel like you had a great conversation.

And that's just the kind of woman I'm looking for! I'm a country boy at heart, born and raised on a farm, even though farming is not in my blood....I'm a computer tech. But I appreciate the old values, the tried and true. I know that a relationship is not all fireworks and flashing lights, sometimes it's quiet times and just the simple assurance of knowing the other person is there because they want to be, not because they have been convinced to be by money, looks, possessions, or any other ulterior motive. I am looking for a woman who loves me just the way I am, and would rather be with me than anyone else in the whole world, not because I'm rich or famous or good looking. All those things are relative, anyway...there's always some who are richer, more famous, better looking, and there are some that are none of those things. True love doesn't even see that as a factor...it's the person!

[ccmay]

I have a friend who likes to date women who are as he puts it "solid 10s". We've had this conversation many times. He comments that "after a while, the looks wear off and they are like everybody else."

I have a friend who says, "Show me the best-looking woman in the room, and I'll show you a guy who's tired of f***ing her."

-ccm

[NYCVirago]

Sex? What sex? There was no sex for the last three years of the marriage. And none since the separation in late 99.

Have you seen the ads for some new movie called "40 Days and 40 Nights"? The entire plot of this teen movie revolves around a guy being unable to have sex for a grand total of 40 days, as if a forty-day drought is so out of the ordinary. Gimme a break!

[Caipirabob]

Children who are raised in alcoholic homes, for example, become what we refer to as ?adult children of alcoholics.? One key characteristic is that they become easily bored with life should it become too ?stable.? Children in alcoholic homes are raised with nothing being stable. As adults, they are then more comfortable in an unstable environment than in a stable one. This is why they become ?bored? and actually create chaos - because it is what is most familiar or comfortable to them. We all tend to repeat our past, whether that is a positive past or a negative past. If it was unstable then, we feel most comfortable in creating an unstable one now.

I thought this cobined with "misplaced anger" sounded like a popular theme. In the standard relationship outside of marraige I've seen women from broken homes intent upon ensuring that their relationships following the same pattern they were familiar with. "If it ain't broke, break it" tends to be the thinking in this area. My word to any male or female when entering a serious relationship that could head for marraige is to simply observe what is taking place currently in their family, because that's what you'll bring into yours.

My best friend ignored this advice about his wife. When they were dating and we were all friends, here pattern was that she always spoke about how she "hated" her family and so&so was this, so&so 2 was that and Mom & Dad were "the-word-of-the-week". The advice "Dude, she's a psycho" didn't register with my buddy. I explained it to him thus :"She runs to you as an escape from her family and confides in you. She spends her time with them in close proximity and their combined personalities are so disfunctional it creates the hell she lives in from day to day and describes to us. Guess what? She eats and drinks misery on a daily basis! Ever think what will happen when you take her out of that environment and bring her into a confined area with yourself? YOU BECOME THE TARGET OF ABUSE!"

[mamelukesabre]

Or it could just be that their wife is a total bi#5h!

~~~~~~~~~~~

Unfortunately, I havn't been lucky enough to meet mrs right. But I have dated a few women that would make most any man want to find someone else.

[Argh]

(cheating on my husband..shhhh. don't tell him where I am)

Where did I put my magic marker? Where did I put that bathroom??

Yeah, but Tex, in PA??!?

:^)

[Argh]

What do women want of men?

In no particular order, that they be intelligent, funny, caring, tender, strong, protective, sentimental, generous, a good provider, great at sex, understanding, compassionate, able to remember birthdays and anniversaries, brave, as unaddicted to sports as possible, cultured, well-read, handsome, experienced, fit, loving, fond of children, foresighted, helpful, able to read the woman's moods and mind, forthright, considerate, upright, honest, ambitious, etc.

What do men want of women?

In no particular order, that they be willing to have sex.

[Tennessee_Bob]

as if a forty-day drought is so out of the ordinary

Saw the ad for the first time last night. I'm going to skip the movie. Forty days ain't squat...