Posted on 08/12/2021 8:57:55 AM PDT by sodpoodle
1. What kind of exercise do lazy people do? Diddly-squats. 2. What do you call a pony with a cough? A little horse! 3. What is Forrest Gump's password? 1Forrest1. 4. Why did the M&M go to school? He wanted to be a Smartie. 5. What did one traffic light say to the other? Stop looking at me, I'm changing! 6. What do you call bears with no ears? B. 7. What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper! 8. Why do French people eat snails? They don't like fast food! 9. What's red and moves up and down? A tomato in an elevator! 10.I invented a new word today: Plagiarism. 11.What is sticky and brown? A stick! 12.How does a rabbi make coffee? Hebrews it! 13.Rest in peace boiling water. You will be mist! 14.How do you throw a space party? You planet! 15. Want to hear a construction joke? Oh never mind, I'm still working on that one. 16. Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything! 17.I hate Russian dolls… they're so full of themselves! 18. Talk is cheap? Have you ever talked to a lawyer? 19. Why did the gym close down? It just didn't work out! 20. Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw! 21. A plateau is the highest form of flattery. 22. I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it. 23. You can only get spoiled milk from a pampered cow. 24. What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick! 25. You know what I saw today? Everything I looked at.
(Excerpt) Read more at bestlifeonline.com ...
My new joke for the day:
What is the highest number they teach in progressive school math classes?
665.
Didja hear the one about the plastic surgeon who hung himself?
“I invented a new word today: Plagiarism.”
Joe Biden.
8, 13, 21, 24….
You hear the one about the constipated mathematician who worked it out with a pencil?
What has four legs and chases cats?
Mrs. Katz and her lawyer.
How do you tell an enraged pit bull from a jilted woman? The one wearing lipstick is the woman.
Actually some pretty clever ones there oh, thanks for the Post.
Recent news tells us of a man who has 23 mini plastic horses inserted into his Rectum. He was rushed the the Emergency room where his condition is stable.
Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.
The agent asked, ‘What’s your name?’ The guy said, ‘My name is Penis van Lesbian.’
The agent said, ‘Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood you are going to have to change your name.’
‘I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever!’
The agent said, ‘Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years… you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I’m telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you.’
‘So be it! I guess we will not do business together’ the guy said and he left the agent’s office.
FIVE YEARS LATER….. The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $ 50,000? He reads the letter enclosed:
Dear Sir,
Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood and you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian.
After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.
Thank you for your advice..
Sincerely,
Dick van Dyke
“Yeah, good old Mother Goose, remember her? I [blank] her.”
Fleas: Adam hadem.
Company that makes yardsticks doesnt make them any longer
My Dad (RIP) lived in Switzerland for awhile in the 1980s. He would appreciate that joke.
Well, compared to Penis van Lesbian, Rob Petrie don’t sound all that bad.
That one wasn’t short but was a very good one!
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