Posted on 08/12/2021 8:57:55 AM PDT by sodpoodle
LOL!!!
Do you know what a honeymoon salad is? Lettuce alone.
1. What kind of exercise do lazy people do? Diddly-squats.
2. What do you call a pony with a cough? A little horse!
3. What is Forrest Gump’s password? 1Forrest1.
4. Why did the M&M go to school? He wanted to be a Smartie.
5. What did one traffic light say to the other? Stop looking at me, I’m changing!
6. What do you call bears with no ears? B.
7. What’s a foot long and slippery? A slipper!
8. Why do French people eat snails? They don’t like fast food!
9. What’s red and moves up and down? A tomato in an elevator!
10. I invented a new word today: Plagiarism.
11.What is sticky and brown? A stick!
12.How does a rabbi make coffee? Hebrews it!
13.Rest in peace boiling water. You will be mist!
14.How do you throw a space party? You planet!
15. Want to hear a construction joke? Oh never mind, I’m still working on that one.
16. Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
17.I hate Russian dolls… they’re so full of themselves!
18. Talk is cheap? Have you ever talked to a lawyer?
19. Why did the gym close down? It just didn’t work out!
20. Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw!
21. A plateau is the highest form of flattery.
22. I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.
23. You can only get spoiled milk from a pampered cow.
24. What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? A stick!
25. You know what I saw today? Everything I looked at.
What do Joe Biden and COVID 19 have in common?
>
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Plaguerysm!
1. You gotta hand it to short people...because they can’t reach it!
2. Why do you need to explain jokes to short people? To make sure it doesn’t go over their head.
“Do you know what a honeymoon salad is? Lettuce alone without dressing”.
COMPETITIVE SALARY: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY: We have no time to train you.
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE: We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up well; a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED: You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED: Some time each night and some time each weekend.
DUTIES WILL VARY: Anyone in the office can boss you around.
MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL: We have no quality control.
CAREER-MINDED: Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
APPLY IN PERSON: If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE: We have filled the job. Our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST: You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS: You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS: Management communicates, you, figure out what they want and do it.
I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION: I've used Microsoft Office.
I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE: I pilfer office supplies.
MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES: I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.
I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK: I blame others for my mistakes.
I'M PERSONABLE: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL: I carry a Day-Timer.
I AM ADAPTABLE: I've changed jobs a lot.
I AM ON THE GO: I'm never at my desk
Why did the man die in the silo?
He went inside looking for a corner to pee in.
LOL!
I remember back when “giving her the ol’ pork sword” was a ribald indicator of low moral character. Now it means you’re a Plastic Surgeon.
Q: Why did Mrs Tomato head turn red?
A: She saw Mr Green Pea.
what do democrats and the supreme court have in common?...
they’re both ruthless...
Dice Man,,,
He still parking cars?
What is the bestselling book in France? A Farewell to Arms
What is the French national anthem? I Surrender, Dear
Why did Disneyland-Paris discontinue fireworks shows? Because every time they shoot off fireworks, the French try to surrender.
About the show “Criminal Minds.”
Q: Where does the BAU buy their sandwiches?
A: At Unsubway.
Did you hear about the biggest sci-fi movie in the Middle East? It’s titled “The Unsmellable Man.”
God did not need a woman standing there telling him how to make Adam.
.....without dressing..
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