ISIS Surrenders in face of Climate Change Conference

Vanity | 12/10/2015 | ArGee

[ArGee]

Raqqa, Syria

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the leader of the Islamic State in Iraq and the Levant, also known as ISIS, announced today that he would be disbanding all forces and returning all land to Syria and Iraq. The move was prompted by the ongoing Climate Conference in Paris.

"This is one thing we could not have anticipated," Mr. al-Baghdadi said in prepared remarks. "When we see the world coming together like this on such a dangerous subject as Global Climate Change, we realize that our Caliphate will never survive. It's only a matter of time before Climate Change is no more and the world's attention turns to us. At that point, we will have no chance. For the sake of the men, women, and children who have supported us, I can not continue a doomed campaign."

An emotional al-Baghdadi did not take any questions.

Sources close to al-Baghdadi who spoke on the condition of anonymity told us that it was becoming more and more difficult to recruit new fighters. "Even our existing people are extremely demoralized," one said. "The words of Donald Trump himself can not overcome our dispair."

According to their press release, surrender is total and immediate. Fighters are being paid and sent home by division. Any remaining money will be put into a fund to resettle Christians and Yazidis who have been displaced by the war.

"We thought the world was fragmented," one strategist was overheard saying to himself. "Who knew it could come together like this? This is a stinging rebuke."

So far there has been no comment from Damascus, Baghdad, Moscow, or Washington. One source inside the Kremlin said, "We are waiting to see if there will be any follow-up action. We want to make sure this is real before we decide on our next steps."

[Tax-chick]

[Covenantor]

yikes!

[Covenantor]

Good day to you moose. Catching up here.

I found one of the keys to surviving long hard work days.

Spare sets of socks in the bottom drawer. When working after the cleaning crew has gone, a change of socks is almost as refreshing as a quick shower.

As a basketball player once said, “It’s like limousines for de feet.”

[null and void]

De agony of de feet?

[Tax-chick]

I agree. Clean socks are very important.

Mornings, all. We have three kids (Frank, James, Kathleen) down with the Crud, so far.

[Covenantor]

Drug filled Bunny brains on ice....

It will never replacing Curling, not in a million years, not in Canada. Don’t need frozen brains, we have granite. Eh?

[Tax-chick]

I know several people whose brains are probably granite.

[Covenantor]

makes one’s toes curl doesn’t it.

[Tax-chick]

My toes twist up if I don’t eat enough mustard. It’s weird.

[null and void]

37 degrees, why oh why did I book a 5:30 flight???

[Covenantor]

37 degrees? You lucky dog.

Window thermometer reads 12F right now with moderate winds.

[Covenantor]

Really? Does it have to be Chinese mustard, like an arcane form of accupuncture? must be gravity....

;>)

[Tax-chick]

No, just yellow mustard. It has a nutrient in it or something.

[Monkey Face]

Well, this sucks. This thing updated last night and every single thing I put in my favorites file was erased. I am REALLY getting ticked off at Dell. Never again.

[Tax-chick]

Good morning. I’ll trade you a population-wide stomach bug for a computer reboot ...

[Covenantor]

It’s not a hardware thing, it’s Microsoft software....

[Monkey Face]

And I’ll take that bet and raise you a sunny day and a sunbean. (If you’re wondering why I use “sunbean” instead of “sunbeam” it’s because that’s what I called them when I was a tiny tot.)

Kinda like “the fruited plane” in the song.

And I don’t think they put in a new hard drive; I think they just erased it and reformatted it.

[Monkey Face]

OK, who’s going to take it?

[Monkey Face]

Nully?

[Monkey Face]

Me?