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ISIS Surrenders in face of Climate Change Conference
Vanity | 12/10/2015 | ArGee

Posted on 12/10/2015 1:17:32 PM PST by ArGee

Raqqa, Syria

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the leader of the Islamic State in Iraq and the Levant, also known as ISIS, announced today that he would be disbanding all forces and returning all land to Syria and Iraq. The move was prompted by the ongoing Climate Conference in Paris.

"This is one thing we could not have anticipated," Mr. al-Baghdadi said in prepared remarks. "When we see the world coming together like this on such a dangerous subject as Global Climate Change, we realize that our Caliphate will never survive. It's only a matter of time before Climate Change is no more and the world's attention turns to us. At that point, we will have no chance. For the sake of the men, women, and children who have supported us, I can not continue a doomed campaign."

An emotional al-Baghdadi did not take any questions.

Sources close to al-Baghdadi who spoke on the condition of anonymity told us that it was becoming more and more difficult to recruit new fighters. "Even our existing people are extremely demoralized," one said. "The words of Donald Trump himself can not overcome our dispair."

According to their press release, surrender is total and immediate. Fighters are being paid and sent home by division. Any remaining money will be put into a fund to resettle Christians and Yazidis who have been displaced by the war.

"We thought the world was fragmented," one strategist was overheard saying to himself. "Who knew it could come together like this? This is a stinging rebuke."

So far there has been no comment from Damascus, Baghdad, Moscow, or Washington. One source inside the Kremlin said, "We are waiting to see if there will be any follow-up action. We want to make sure this is real before we decide on our next steps."


TOPICS: Humor; Religion; Science
KEYWORDS: afunny; ahoot; aparody; asatire; climatechange; epa; funny; globalwarming; globalwarminghoax; greennewdeal; hoot; hypochondriacsanon; isis; jvteam; lampoon; molassesmiasma; monkeyfacerules; parisconference; parody; penguinhumor; popefrancis; romancatholicism; satire; terrorism; undeadthread; undeadthreadhere; woeisme
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To: Covenantor

He can hang out in my garage any time.


2,301 posted on 01/19/2016 5:32:16 AM PST by Tax-chick (Onions are a woman's weapon.)
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To: Monkey Face

Now I’ll have to wonder how it all turned out. Sally says she had the same dream, only the rooms were planted with catnip and she was talking to the cat.

It will be time for me to leave in a few minutes: Weight Watchers, used-bread store, pick up Tom at school.


2,302 posted on 01/19/2016 5:34:05 AM PST by Tax-chick (Onions are a woman's weapon.)
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To: Covenantor

Nice color on that car!


2,303 posted on 01/19/2016 5:41:50 AM PST by Monkey Face (I believe the best social program is a job. ~~ Ronald Reagan)
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To: Tax-chick

I’m afraid I can’t help you on how it all turned out. If I knew, I’ve forgotten it. Or it dwindled into nothing when I woke up...

Nothing for me on the agenda today. The bathroom is clean, the kitchen floor is clean, there are clean sheets on the bed — I guess I could vacuum and do the dishes...or vice-versa. ;o|


2,304 posted on 01/19/2016 5:46:16 AM PST by Monkey Face (I believe the best social program is a job. ~~ Ronald Reagan)
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To: Monkey Face

41, SSE @ 7, 80%, and 36 wind chill...

Ungh.


2,305 posted on 01/19/2016 5:47:52 AM PST by Monkey Face (I believe the best social program is a job. ~~ Ronald Reagan)
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To: Monkey Face

So, if you don’t mind plugging the thing in again, I’m pretty sure I can get you up and running.

If you have something connected to the wireless connection thingie, the Dell can connect unless it’s wireless is dead. And we can prove that true or false pretty quickly.


2,306 posted on 01/19/2016 5:49:30 AM PST by ArGee (Don't look down here. This is just a tagline.)
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To: fanfan

Then you’d have to research Daddy Long Legs and their survivability in various habitats.


2,307 posted on 01/19/2016 5:52:09 AM PST by ArGee (Don't look down here. This is just a tagline.)
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To: Tax-chick; Monkey Face

There are barn cats, house cats, and then there are garage/road cats.

yessssssss!


2,308 posted on 01/19/2016 6:18:40 AM PST by Covenantor (Men are ruled..e.by liars who refuse them news, and by fools who cannot govern - Chesterton)
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To: ArGee

I will plug in the Dell, but not until I get the dishes done. I don’t want anything to occupy even a tiny part of the brain that I need to get the Dell working.

Is the “wireless connection thingie” the router? Some days my brain is geared for the obscure, and some day, it boggles.

*sigh*

It would be nice to be normal once more.


2,309 posted on 01/19/2016 6:18:47 AM PST by Monkey Face (I believe the best social program is a job. ~~ Ronald Reagan)
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To: Monkey Face

That depends on how your home is set up. If you have a single device that has the wireless antenna (or antennae) and connects to the cable company then, yes, that’s the router. But it’s actually a wireless access point (WAP) and router in one device. And it’s the connection to the WAP portion that’s giving you trouble.


2,310 posted on 01/19/2016 6:24:06 AM PST by ArGee (Don't look down here. This is just a tagline.)
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To: ArGee

How do I tell? I have the router, and it’s “new” so I don’t know how to troubleshoot that.


2,311 posted on 01/19/2016 6:35:21 AM PST by Monkey Face (I believe the best social program is a job. ~~ Ronald Reagan)
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To: Monkey Face

I dreamt there was a shadowy translucent black man wearing a white hat in my room.

He could hear me, but I could only see him. Lots of yes-no questions later, come to find out he’s in the future.

We figured out he could give me winning lottery numbers, and were working on what I could do for him.


2,312 posted on 01/19/2016 6:36:13 AM PST by null and void (This war starts in the spiritual realm-it will end in ours though.)
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To: Monkey Face

If the thing you’re using now is connected to that new router you don’t need to troubleshoot it. It’s working.


2,313 posted on 01/19/2016 6:38:11 AM PST by ArGee (Don't look down here. This is just a tagline.)
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To: null and void

I hate dreams with shadowy translucent black men in them. GAH!

You could always offer him the use of your late car...


2,314 posted on 01/19/2016 6:38:35 AM PST by Monkey Face (I believe the best social program is a job. ~~ Ronald Reagan)
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To: null and void; Monkey Face
It was this guy, wasn't it?

Don't believe him when he throws the Nigerian prince gang signs. It's all a trick!

2,315 posted on 01/19/2016 6:41:30 AM PST by Covenantor (Men are ruled..e.by liars who refuse them news, and by fools who cannot govern - Chesterton)
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To: ArGee

K. It is, so I guess it is! LOL!


2,316 posted on 01/19/2016 6:51:27 AM PST by Monkey Face (I believe the best social program is a job. ~~ Ronald Reagan)
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To: Covenantor
No. Older. More dignified. White canvas boonie hat.


2,317 posted on 01/19/2016 6:53:00 AM PST by null and void (This war starts in the spiritual realm-it will end in ours though.)
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To: ArGee

Will I need to use this computer? I can’t access the Internet with the Dell, so I don’t know how you will be able to look at it.


2,318 posted on 01/19/2016 6:57:23 AM PST by Monkey Face (I believe the best social program is a job. ~~ Ronald Reagan)
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To: Monkey Face

You’ll probably have to do the work. I’ll tell you what to do on that ‘puter and you tell me what you saw on this ‘puter and etc.


2,319 posted on 01/19/2016 7:03:06 AM PST by ArGee (Don't look down here. This is just a tagline.)
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To: ArGee

K. Give me a few minutes to get it set up.


2,320 posted on 01/19/2016 7:31:43 AM PST by Monkey Face (I believe the best social program is a job. ~~ Ronald Reagan)
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