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ISIS Surrenders in face of Climate Change Conference
Vanity | 12/10/2015 | ArGee

Posted on 12/10/2015 1:17:32 PM PST by ArGee

Raqqa, Syria

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the leader of the Islamic State in Iraq and the Levant, also known as ISIS, announced today that he would be disbanding all forces and returning all land to Syria and Iraq. The move was prompted by the ongoing Climate Conference in Paris.

"This is one thing we could not have anticipated," Mr. al-Baghdadi said in prepared remarks. "When we see the world coming together like this on such a dangerous subject as Global Climate Change, we realize that our Caliphate will never survive. It's only a matter of time before Climate Change is no more and the world's attention turns to us. At that point, we will have no chance. For the sake of the men, women, and children who have supported us, I can not continue a doomed campaign."

An emotional al-Baghdadi did not take any questions.

Sources close to al-Baghdadi who spoke on the condition of anonymity told us that it was becoming more and more difficult to recruit new fighters. "Even our existing people are extremely demoralized," one said. "The words of Donald Trump himself can not overcome our dispair."

According to their press release, surrender is total and immediate. Fighters are being paid and sent home by division. Any remaining money will be put into a fund to resettle Christians and Yazidis who have been displaced by the war.

"We thought the world was fragmented," one strategist was overheard saying to himself. "Who knew it could come together like this? This is a stinging rebuke."

So far there has been no comment from Damascus, Baghdad, Moscow, or Washington. One source inside the Kremlin said, "We are waiting to see if there will be any follow-up action. We want to make sure this is real before we decide on our next steps."


TOPICS: Humor; Religion; Science
KEYWORDS: afunny; ahoot; aparody; asatire; climatechange; epa; funny; globalwarming; globalwarminghoax; greennewdeal; hoot; hypochondriacsanon; isis; jvteam; lampoon; molassesmiasma; monkeyfacerules; parisconference; parody; penguinhumor; popefrancis; romancatholicism; satire; terrorism; undeadthread; undeadthreadhere; woeisme
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To: Tax-chick; infool7

Morning prescription dose: morning kitteh
(Do heal up, and accept the complimentary kitty image posted at 2220 by the morning master of ceremony.)


2,221 posted on 01/17/2016 3:48:38 AM PST by Darksheare (Those who support liberal "Republicans" summarily support every action by same.)
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To: Darksheare; infool7

If you don’t have a real cat, a plush one has great advantages! (I have both ;-).


2,222 posted on 01/17/2016 4:03:11 AM PST by Tax-chick (Onions are a woman's weapon.)
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To: Tax-chick; infool7

I haz a fluffy.
And she is informing me that I am disturbing her morning nap by being all bipedal and everything.
(Shameful!)


2,223 posted on 01/17/2016 4:06:47 AM PST by Darksheare (Those who support liberal "Republicans" summarily support every action by same.)
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To: Darksheare

Ours are still having their breakfast and in/out in/out in/out activity. They’ll go for nap around 8:00.


2,224 posted on 01/17/2016 4:08:13 AM PST by Tax-chick (Onions are a woman's weapon.)
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To: Darksheare

Now both are in their beds: Jake in the window in my room, Shannon on the floor of Bill and Tom’s room. They might get some Sunbeam later.


2,225 posted on 01/17/2016 4:50:26 AM PST by Tax-chick (Onions are a woman's weapon.)
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To: Tax-chick

I want them all!!! Squeeeeee>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>!

I’m trying to get up the gumption to go to church, but it’s not in the cards, yet.

Maybe I’ll feel better after a shower. Ha-ha.

36, SSW @ 7, 91%, wind chill 29.


2,226 posted on 01/17/2016 5:44:11 AM PST by Monkey Face (You know it's gonna be a bad day when your imaginary friend files a restraining order against you.)
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To: fanfan

SWeet puppies, Fan!

She looks like a good mommie, too. Do I count six of the little wuzzers?


2,227 posted on 01/17/2016 5:45:43 AM PST by Monkey Face (You know it's gonna be a bad day when your imaginary friend files a restraining order against you.)
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To: Monkey Face

39 here, and a few flakes of snow have been seen, creating irrational excitement among the Offspring.

I hope you feel well enough to go to church after the shower.


2,228 posted on 01/17/2016 5:52:24 AM PST by Tax-chick (Onions are a woman's weapon.)
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To: Monkey Face

*tagline*


2,229 posted on 01/17/2016 6:02:00 AM PST by Monkey Face (I believe the best social program is a job. ~~ Ronald Reagan)
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To: Monkey Face

HELLO???? *echo* *echo* *echo*

Almost six hours, now...

The sun is shining and my stomach is roiling, and I’m going to sit and crochet for a while, just because I can...


2,230 posted on 01/17/2016 11:07:43 AM PST by Monkey Face (I believe the best social program is a job. ~~ Ronald Reagan)
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To: Monkey Face

Hello. I might crochet if I could.

But since I can’t, I have to go to Walmart. I ate the carrots that were supposed to go in the supper.


2,231 posted on 01/17/2016 12:12:33 PM PST by Tax-chick (Onions are a woman's weapon.)
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To: Tax-chick; jimrob

You “mi...” what? If you’re having the same problem that I’m having with previews, then Jim Rob needs to have it checked out.

LOL! I have carrots in the freezer, but I don’t know what to put them in. Soup, probably!


2,232 posted on 01/17/2016 12:44:45 PM PST by Monkey Face (I believe the best social program is a job. ~~ Ronald Reagan)
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To: Tax-chick

Oh. I see. It’s still me having a problem. I wonder wassupwiththat?


2,233 posted on 01/17/2016 12:45:44 PM PST by Monkey Face (I believe the best social program is a job. ~~ Ronald Reagan)
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To: Tax-chick

I didn’t make it to church. The nausea was overwhelming, and I figured I would be better off at home.

I did manage to change the sheets, but it took me nearly 30 minutes because of the pain involved.

The news this morning said that the Walmart that Busdaddy frequents will close tonight for good. I don’t understand that, as it is just across the street from Nellis AFB. But I guess a lot of shoplifting goes on there, as well a muggings in the parking lot, so closing it is probably the best thing to do.

I loved going there, just so I could hear the jets! The sound of FREEDOM!


2,234 posted on 01/17/2016 12:52:32 PM PST by Monkey Face (I believe the best social program is a job. ~~ Ronald Reagan)
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To: Monkey Face

There were quite a few jets going over our church in the 12:15-12:45 time frame. Air National Guard drilling, probably.

I usually put frozen carrots in soup.


2,235 posted on 01/17/2016 12:53:59 PM PST by Tax-chick (Onions are a woman's weapon.)
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To: Monkey Face

Jake, the traitor, is sleeping under the covers with Elen. He is officially no longer my second-favorite pet!


2,236 posted on 01/17/2016 1:14:39 PM PST by Tax-chick (Onions are a woman's weapon.)
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To: Monkey Face

And now he wants me to feed him. Ha! I say. HA!


2,237 posted on 01/17/2016 1:16:13 PM PST by Tax-chick (Onions are a woman's weapon.)
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To: Tax-chick; Monkey Face
Ha! I say. HA!

But you WILL relent. Galactic Overlords have ways...

2,238 posted on 01/17/2016 1:26:58 PM PST by NoCmpromiz (/.John 14:6 is a non-pluralistic comment.)
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To: NoCmpromiz; Monkey Face
But you WILL relent.

Yes, I will ... but no earlier than 5:30 p.m. EST.

2,239 posted on 01/17/2016 1:32:12 PM PST by Tax-chick (Onions are a woman's weapon.)
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To: Tax-chick
I have everything else I need for soup, including some carrots. I wonder if I should buy some frozen peas, too?...

What I really need are containers to put the soup in so I can just grab one when I'm hungry. Pint or half-pint jars? I don't have any plastic containers for that. My bad.

After seeing the last power bill, I will fill out my energy-assisstance application this week. I hope they give me more help this year. Getting through this winter with the power bills I have is going to be really rough.

2,240 posted on 01/17/2016 1:33:41 PM PST by Monkey Face (I believe the best social program is a job. ~~ Ronald Reagan)
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