ISIS Surrenders in face of Climate Change Conference

Vanity | 12/10/2015 | ArGee

[ArGee]

Raqqa, Syria

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the leader of the Islamic State in Iraq and the Levant, also known as ISIS, announced today that he would be disbanding all forces and returning all land to Syria and Iraq. The move was prompted by the ongoing Climate Conference in Paris.

"This is one thing we could not have anticipated," Mr. al-Baghdadi said in prepared remarks. "When we see the world coming together like this on such a dangerous subject as Global Climate Change, we realize that our Caliphate will never survive. It's only a matter of time before Climate Change is no more and the world's attention turns to us. At that point, we will have no chance. For the sake of the men, women, and children who have supported us, I can not continue a doomed campaign."

An emotional al-Baghdadi did not take any questions.

Sources close to al-Baghdadi who spoke on the condition of anonymity told us that it was becoming more and more difficult to recruit new fighters. "Even our existing people are extremely demoralized," one said. "The words of Donald Trump himself can not overcome our dispair."

According to their press release, surrender is total and immediate. Fighters are being paid and sent home by division. Any remaining money will be put into a fund to resettle Christians and Yazidis who have been displaced by the war.

"We thought the world was fragmented," one strategist was overheard saying to himself. "Who knew it could come together like this? This is a stinging rebuke."

So far there has been no comment from Damascus, Baghdad, Moscow, or Washington. One source inside the Kremlin said, "We are waiting to see if there will be any follow-up action. We want to make sure this is real before we decide on our next steps."

[NicknamedBob]

The worst thing in the world is just what you imagine it to be.

[Tax-chick]

Happy Caturday! Today's offended kitten lives in Hong Kong.

[Monkey Face]

So squee!!

It’s 39, so I can go to Walmart and get the pineapple and bananas early, and not have to worry about whether to take the spatula or not to scrape the windshield! I think I’d better get more honey, too, as I’m about half through the bottle I got. That stuff is getting to be very expensive!

[Monkey Face]

Still nothing from Dell, so I’m going to send an email to corporate headquarters. The original problem was never addressed. And I’m not being paid to be a trouble-shooter for the techs.

Meanwhile, the laptop is in a box in my closet. It will stay there until the Equator freezes over, if that’s what they want.

[null and void]

We’re not stalking you.

BTW, you’re out of milk...

[null and void]

Fear of truth? Yeah, that’s a liberal.

[Monkey Face]

LOL! Feeling better, Nully? :o])

[Monkey Face]

There are so many of those, here in Las Vegas.

[null and void]

Not at the moment, but I was able to sleep most of the night.

[Monkey Face]

:o])

I’m so glad to hear that!

[Tax-chick]

No, I’m out of napkins. You need to pay your informant more.

[Tax-chick]

Nefarious porpoise. He claims it’s a science experiment.

"Why did those strange people invite you on a cruise?"
"To study porpoises!"

[Monkey Face]

Or just for the halibut. But that’s a whale of a lot to deal with unless you have a score cod.

:ducking and running:

[moose07]

[Tax-chick]

Ducks are not fish.

[Monkey Face]

LOL!!

[Monkey Face]

Of course! But some fish duck...

[Tax-chick]

Oh, that was really, really funny!

[Monkey Face]

So. My day wasn’t a loss! YAY! I made someone laugh!

[NicknamedBob]

"I think I'd better get more honey, too, as I'm about half through the bottle I got. That stuff is getting to be very expensive!"

Just think of all the workers you're employing!