***THE OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS THREAD***

[Lucky9teen]

What do they sing at a snowman's birthday party?

Freeze a jolly good fellow

Why does Santa have three gardens?

So he can 'ho ho ho'!

What does Miley Cyrus have at Christmas?

Twerky!

Knock, knock

Who's there?

Arthur

Arthur who?

Arthur any mince pies left?

 

 

What do vampires sing on New Year's Eve?

Auld Fang Syne

Why did Santa's helper see the doctor?

Because he had a low "elf" esteem!

What happened to the man who stole an Advent Calendar?

He got 25 days!

What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?

A Holly Davidson!

 

What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?

A Christmas Quacker!

What is the best Christmas present in the world?

A broken drum, you just can't beat it!

How did Scrooge win the football game?

The ghost of Christmas passed!

Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?

Santa Jaws

Who is Santa's favorite singer?

                         

Elf-is Presley!

What do Santa's little helpers learn at school?

The elf-abet!

What did Santa say to the smoker?

Please don't smoke, it's bad for my elf!

What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees?

Horn-aments!

Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing?

They always drop their needles!

Did Rudolph go to school?

No. He was Elf-taught!

 

Why did the turkey join the band?

Because it had the drumsticks!

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

Frostbite!

What do snowmen wear on their heads?

Ice caps!

How do snowmen get around?

They ride an icicle!

What song do you sing at a snowman's birthday party?

Freeze a jolly good fellow!

How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas?

One that's deep pan, crisp and even!

Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?

A mince spy!

What do you call a cat in the desert?

Sandy Claws!

What does Santa do with fat elves?

He sends them to an Elf Farm!

What did Adam say to his wife on the day before Christmas?

It's Christmas, Eve!

How many letters are in the Christmas alphabet?

25. There’s "no EL"!

What carol is heard in the desert?

O camel ye faithful!

What do angry mice send to each other at Christmas?

Cross Mouse Cards!

What athlete is warmest in winter?

A long jumper!

What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?

Tinsilitis!

What's the most popular Christmas wine?

'I don't like Brussels sprouts!'

What did the beaver say to the Christmas Tree?

Nice gnawing you!

Why are Christmas Trees like bad knitters?

They keep loosing their needles!

What do you get if you cross a bell with a skunk?

Jingle Smells!

What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!

What's green, covered in tinsel and goes ribbet ribbet?

Mistle-toad!

Which famous playwright was terrified of Christmas?

Noël Coward!

What is the best Christmas present in the world?

A broken drum – you just can’t beat it!

How do you know if Santa is really a werewolf?

He has Santa claws!

What did the stamp say to the Christmas card?

Stick with me and we'll go places!

Why did no one bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay?

Because they were two deer!

What does the Queen call her Christmas Broadcast?

The One Show!

What did Father Christmas do when he went speed dating?

He pulled a cracker!

Why don't you ever see Father Christmas in hospital?

Because he has private elf care!

How did Mary and Joseph know that Jesus was 7lb 6oz when he was born?

They had a weigh in a manger!

Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars?

Because their days are numbered!

After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.

"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.

She showed him a bottle costing $50.

"That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.

"That’s still quite a bit," Tom groused.

Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.

Tom grew agitated, "What I mean," he said, "is I'd like to see something real cheap.”

So the clerk handed him a mirror.

 

 

Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel.

Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor.

Which one picked it up?

 

Santa of course, because the other two don't exist!

 

 

 

Three Wise Women
(as opposed to Three Wise Men)

Do you know what would have happened if there had been Three Wise WOMEN instead of Three Wise MEN?

The WOMEN would have:

- Asked directions,
- Arrived on time,
- Helped deliver the baby,
- Cleaned the stable,
- Made a casserole, and
- Brought practical gifts (like diapers!)

[Lucky9teen]

[jim5833]

IBTP

[upchuck]

Somewhere in top 10?

The year is 2016 and the United States has elected the first woman President, Susan Goldfarb.

She phones her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?"

"I don't think so, honey. It's a ten hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again."

"Don't worry about it Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door."

"I don't know, dear. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy. What on earth would I wear?"

Susan replies, "I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in New York."

"Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat."

The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York, kosher all the way. Mom, I really want you to come."

So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2017, Susan Goldfarb is being sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sits the new President's mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her and says, "You see that woman over there with her hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States?"

The Senator whispers back, "Yes I do."

Mom says proudly, "Her brother is a doctor."

h/t to CCinOC

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Maybe you can save some money on your Home Security System ?

I've torn out my alarm system and and I no longer lock my doors. I've unregistered from the Neighborhood Watch. Why?

I've got two Pakistani flags raised in my front yard, one at each corner, and the black flag of ISIS in the center. As a result, the local police, the FBI, the CIA, the DHS, and other intelligence services are all watching my house 24/7. I've never felt safer.

Also: Be sure to add an “I have EBOLA” sticker on your front window…….no more solicitors!

In California, the sticker should appear in over 100 languages to match CA DMV publications).

h/t to Bill

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Finally, a message to the ladies:
If you want a man to leave you alone at a bar, don't tell him you have a boyfriend... tell him you have a penis.

[verga]

IBTP

[Lucky9teen]

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CLICK HERE TO BE INCLUDED OR TAKEN OFF THE LIST

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Dang morning started with a migraine that woke me up at 3am....and now my 10 and 12 year old boys are at each others throats over cleaning their room....ugh. I need silliness.

[verga]

Condolences, I hate migraines.

[left that other site]

Good Morning!

[left that other site]

I am so sorry you are suffering from a migraine. They are awful.

[ErnBatavia]

[WesG]

So are migraines.....

[Yorlik803]

Top 20.....Hooray

[Liberty Valance]

[Monkey Face]

TOP 20!

[reed13k]

Top 15?

[Currentriverrat]

WOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOO TGIF!!!

[TADSLOS]

Top 20!!

[AppyPappy]

“and now my 10 and 12 year old boys are at each others throats over cleaning their room.”

Tell them they can either clean their room or explain to their friends why they wore an azz kicking to school.

[TADSLOS]

LOL

[dayglored]

TOP 20 ?!?!?

[Liberty Valance]

Never iron naked...

Thank you very much.