~THE OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS THREAD~

[Lucky9teen]

And then I read this....

On January 1, 400 new federal laws took effect. Meanwhile, state legislatures passed 29,000 bills and resolutions, many of which came into force on the first of the year. Local government added thousands of new laws.

Ignorance is no excuse, so start cramming on all the weird new regulations you have to follow as of Tuesday:

1. In California, it's now unlawful to let a dog pursue a bear or bobcat at any time. Previously, exceptions had been made for hunting. Bad news for dogs, good news for bears and bobcats.

2. The new laws aren't just about banning things! Florida law revised the term "motor vehicle" to exclude swamp buggies, deregulating the primary mode of transportation in that state.

3. In an assault on the civil rights of crazy cat ladies, residents of Wellington, Kansas are now limited to no more than four cats per household. The hope is that restricting ownership will lower the town's burgeoning cat population.

4. Fun news: Illinoisans under 21 can drink alcohol now! Less fun: They have to be enrolled in a culinary program to do so.

5. Film producers in California must have permission from a pediatrician before filming a child under the age of one month. Suddenly, Real Infants of Newport Beach looks less likely to be green-lit.

6. In the category of "how the hell wasn't this illegal already," California prison workers will no longer be allowed to have sex with inmates.

7. Sex offenders in Illinois are banned from distributing candy on Halloween or playing Santa or the Easter Bunny.

8. No more "popping wheelies" on motorcycles in Illinois, but they can run a red light if the coast is clear.

9. Don't steal grease in North Carolina. Those who steal more than $1,000 worth of grease can be found guilty of a felony. It's the kind of overcompensation that happens when your state doesn't have mineral or gas deposits.

If all this sounds like things you did on New Year's Eve, I hope you had fun. No more such hijinks in 2013.

[verga]

“I was at WALMART the other day at the check out line and went to pay and the ‘good looking cashier’ said “Facing me, strip down”.
I unbuttoned my shirt and was starting on my pants when Security stopped me.

They just have to be more specific when instructing us ‘old fartz’ on these new fangled machines...

[txhurl]

lol! best poshitus joke I’ve heard.

[The Chief]

Top 25?

Even if I’m not thanks for all the funnies!

[The Chief]

Top 25?

Even if I’m not thanks for all the funnies!

[The Chief]

Top 25?

Even if I’m not thanks for all the funnies!

[The Chief]

Top 25?

Even if I’m not thanks for all the funnies!

[ArGee]

You could have triple-posted and still made it!!!

Nice.

[ArGee]

[JRios1968]

Top 30?

[Monkey Face]

IN!

[ShadowAce]

Accordion to scientists and linguists, you can replace a word in a sentence with the name of a musical instrument and very few people will notice.

[Izzy Dunne]

We're ready for OFST !

[RightOnline]

Definition of an optimist: An accordion player with a pager.

[ArGee]

A retired friend of mine sent this to me:

MY LAST TRIP TO COSTCO

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again.

I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's ass and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people.

[Izzy Dunne]

We're ready for OFST !

[Izzy Dunne]

Wait for me - I'm coming !

[ArGee]

Now that’s just drum.

[Izzy Dunne]

We're ready for OFST !

[Izzy Dunne]

We're ready for OFST !

[ArGee]

Q: What do you never say about a tuba player?
A: "That's the tuba player's Porsche."

Q: Why are tubas like elderly parents?
A: Both are unforgiving and difficult to get into and out of cars.

Q: How many tuba players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, but he'll complain about how high the socket is.

Two tuba players walk past a bar... well, it could happen.

A tuba player walked into a bar... It cost him $175.00 to have the dent removed.

One week after moving into his first apartment, Ed called his mother to complain about his neighbors: "One woman cries all day, another lies in bed moaning, and then there's this guy that keeps banging his head against the wall."
"You better keep away from them," she said.
"I do. I stay inside all day playing my tuba."