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Posted on 08/01/2011 2:29:55 AM PDT by JustAmy
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Kinda hard to tell just what that is and which end is which! lol
Prayer Thread for Conor (click)
Maybe you missed the ping, Luvie! Hope you are having a good Weekend! (((HUGS)))
Just be very careful with that walker! Prayers for you, my friend!
Lamh Foistenach Abu! 
Thank you, Teenie!! :)
Awwwwwwww..... I know he can make it too!! Very cute!
I did miss the ping! Thanks, Yorkie!
I KNOWS he can! :-)
LOL...those wheelies can really do ya in!
Measuring Up
The following question appeared in a physics degree exam at the University of Copenhagen:
“Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer.”
One enterprising student replied: “You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building.”
This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed immediately. The student appealed, on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case.
The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics; to resolve the problem it was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to verbally provide an answer which showed at least a minimal familiarity with the basic principles of physics.
For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn’t make up his mind which to use.
On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows:
“One, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H =3D 1/2gt squared (height equals half times gravity time squared). But bad luck on the barometer.
“Two, if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper’s shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper.
“Three, if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force (T = 3D 2 pi sqr root of l over g).
“Four, if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easy to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up.
“Five, if you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could use the barometer to measure air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper, compare it with standard air pressure on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the building.
“Six, since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor’s door and say to him ‘I will give you this nice new barometer, if you will tell me the height of this skyscraper.’”
The arbiter re-graded the student with an ‘A.’
These are actual comments made by South Carolina Troopers that were taken off their car videos:
1. “You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through.”
2. “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.”
3. “If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.”
4. “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”
5. “Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you.”
6. “You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?”
7. “Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I’m the shift supervisor?”
8. “Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”
9. “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”
10. “Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.”
11. “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”
12. “In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC.” ( National Crime Information Center )
13. “Just how big were those ‘two beers’ you say you had?”
14. “No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.”
15. “I’m glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.”
AND THE WINNER IS....
16. “You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t. Sign here.”
Bidding Higher
One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher.
Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last!
As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, “I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can’t talk!”
“Don’t worry.” said the Auctioneer, “He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?”
Philosophy and the Talented Doggie
An optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist sees only the worst. An optimist finds the positive in the negative, and a pessimist can only find the negative in the positive.
For example, an avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.
He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.
As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.
The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.
On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, “Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?”
“I sure did,” responded the pessimist. “He can’t swim.”
Perfection
The preacher said, “There’s no such thing as a perfect woman. Anybody present who has ever known a perfect woman, stand up.”
Nobody stood up.
“Those who have ever known a perfect man, stand up.”
One elderly gentleman stood up.
“Are you honestly saying you knew an absolutely perfect man?” he asked, somewhat amazed.
“Well now, I didn’t know him personally,” replied the little old man, “but I have heard a great deal about him. He was my wife’s first husband.”
Hospital Report
An elderly gentleman was reading his recovery-room record at the hospital where I work.
He looked quite concerned at one notation.
“I know I was in a bit of a muddle, but I didn’t realize I was that bad,” he said to me apologetically. “I hope I didn’t offend anyone.”
He was greatly relieved when I explained the acronym in question meant “Short Of Breath” and not what he thought.
bfl
If God brings you to it, God will bring you through it.
Happy moments, praise God.
Difficult moments, seek God.
Quiet moments, worship God.
Painful moments, trust God.
Every moment, thank God.
It was hard to watch her fail. Physically, she was growing thinner and
more stooped. Mentally, she was losing her ability to sort out reality.
Initially, my grandmother had railed, angrily, against the symptoms of
Alzheimer’s disease that were eroding who she had always been.
Eventually, the anger gave way to frustration and then resignation. My
grandmother had always been a strong woman. She had a career before it was
common for women to have careers. She was independent. In her eighties,
she was still dragging out her stepladder every spring to wash all the
windows in her house. She was also a woman with a deep faith in God.
As my grandmother lost her ability to live alone, my father moved her into
his home. Grandchildren and great-grandchildren were often in the house.
She seemed to enjoy being surrounded by the noise and activity of a large,
extended family.
As she slipped further away from us mentally, my grandmother would
occasionally have moments of lucidity when she knew where she was and
recognized everyone around her. We never knew what prompted those
moments, when they would occur, or how long they would last.
Toward the end of her life she became convinced that her mother had knit
everything she owned. “Mama knit my boots,” she would tell strangers,
holding up a foot clad in galoshes. “Mama knit my coat,” she would say
with a vacant smile as she zipped up her raincoat. Soon we were putting
on her boots for her and helping her zip up her coat.
During my grandmother’s last autumn with us, we decided to take a family
outing. We packed up the car and went to a local fair for a day of
caramel apples, craft booths, and carnival rides.
Grandma loved flowers, so my dad bought her a rose. She carried it
proudly through the fair, stopping often to breathe in its fragrance.
Grandma couldn’t go on the carnival rides, of course, so she sat on a
bench close by and waited while the rest of the family rode. Her moments
of lucidity were now a thing of the past having eluded her for months, but
she seemed content to sit and watch as life unfolded around her.
While the youngest members of the family ran, laughing to get in line at
the next ride, my father took my grandmother to the nearest bench. A
sullen-looking young woman already occupied the bench but said she
wouldn’t mind sharing the bench. “Mama knit my coat,” my grandmother told
the young woman as she sat down.
We didn’t let my grandmother out of our sight, and when we came back to
the bench to get her, the young woman was holding the rose. She looked as
though she had been crying. “Thank you for sharing your grandmother with
me,” she said. Then she told us her story. She had decided that day was to
be her last on Earth. In deep despair and feeling she had nothing to live for,
she was planning to go home and commit suicide. While she sat on that bench
with Grandma, as the carnival noises swirled around them, she found herself
pouring out her troubles.
“Your grandmother listened to me,” the young woman informed us. “She told
me about a time in her own life, during the Depression, when she had lost
hope. She told me that God loved me and that He would watch over me and
would help me make it through my problems. She gave me this rose. She
told me that my life would unfold just like this rose and that I would be
surprised by its beauty. She told me my life was a gift. She
said she would be praying for me.”
We stood, dumbfounded, as she hugged my grandmother and thanked her for
saving her life. Grandma just smiled a vacant smile and patted her arm.
As the young woman turned to leave, she waved good-bye to us. Grandma
waved back and then turned to look at us, still standing in amazement.
Lovely!
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