Posted on 06/18/2011 8:15:53 PM PDT by TheDingoAteMyBaby
Ten Simple Rules for Dating my Daughter
Rule One :
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two :
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three :
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys your age to wear their trousers so loose that they appear to be falling off. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during your date with my daughter, I will use my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely to your waist.
Rule Four :
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five :
In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six :
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven :
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight :
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough for my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine :
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten :
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car--there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face watching you from the window is mine.
I remember laughing my head off at this piece about ten years ago. My daughter was only three back then....
For some strange reason, this piece now looks more like an operations manual to me, than humor.
(just kidding - sort of. I still laughed, but I think just like this now)
I always liked the sequence from Uncle Buck when John Candy explains to his niece’s boyfriend about the hatchet,the shovel, and the bag of lime in the trunk of the car.
bump
Well, my father in law was a gun guy too. But I don't believe he kept any in the house, they were at his parents farm. In any event, although my wife and I dated a couple of times in high school, I never met him until the summer before college, and at that point the family lived a few thousand miles away. However HE is the one who turned me to the "Dark Side".
Until I started shooting with him all I had was a shotgun, a 20 gauge at that, and a .22 rifle and I'd gotten that because I was tired of buying .22 shorts for HIS father's Browning .22, which I would shoot when I went to the farm. (As an aside, those were the days when you had to show picture ID and sign a log. That PO'd me, so I'd use my military ID instead of a DL)
After I started shooting with my FiL, I got a .22 handgun (S&W 422).. then traded in the 20ga for a 12... Followed by 3 centerfire handguns, another .22 handgun, and 4 centerfire rifles. All are semiautos, except the 12 ga, which is a pump and was the gun I was cleaning when the Beast came to pick up my daughter. :)
Why did Grandpa only have a .22 short rifle? The way he shot, it was all he needed to take care of most any pest, including squirrels way up in the walnut trees, and racoons in the garden. He, and his son (my FiL), and both grandsons (and one great grandson that I know of) were/are deadly accurate shooters. Grandpa would shoot walnuts out of the air. I miss him still.
I read in a science fiction book by an author whom I will not disclose unless asked to, the daughter sent a topless picture of herself to her boyfriend of the same age. When the mom found out she was outraged and showed it to the father who shrugged it off. The fathers response was to have the mother how to talk with her daughter about safe sex and to use a condom. I could not believe the author wrote that and I stopped reading it. If I were the father, that phone (as well as the boyfriends) would go in the fire and I would drive to the phone carrier and “convince” them to remove it from the Internet.
Technology cuts two ways, though. These days I might offer to loan the kids my vehicle. You know the one with ON-STAR? The one where the ON-STAR folks can tell you the exact location and the speed it's being driven and oh yeah, the ability to kill the motor and lock all the doors so the occupants cannot leave?
"Hello, ONSTAR? Where are they? Oh, they're at the beach when they're supposed to be studying at the library? And the engine is currently running right now? Yeah, just kill that engine and lock the doors. I'll be right there."
Thanks for the oldie but goodie. Reminds me of a time I went to pick up a girl for a date. Her Dad was cleaning his rifle in the living room, and I told him I didn’t know that particular model came chambered in that caliber. Turned out he’d had it made that way.
He really liked me, which was the kiss of death as far as the girl was concerned.
Yeah, most dad's really loved me and nearly all moms hated me because they saw me (correctly) as the man they'd always warned their daughters to be careful of -- but didn't quite know how to articulate that feeling without causing undying alienation.
That's why I'm sooooooo certain that God has a sense of humor, because he gave me a DAUGHTER that is a stone cold, drop dead knockout in the looks department. Brains too. So my nightmare that was her high school years was pretty horrific. I lived in dread of the young man who would one day knock at our door and who would remind me.... of....ME.
best idea, no dating until they are 18
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.