$$$$ThE oFfIcIaL fRiDaY sIlLiNeSs ThReAd$$$$

[Lucky9teen]

USS RONALD REAGAN
Seeing it next to the Arizona Memorial really puts its size into perspective... ENORMOUS!

When the Bridge pipes 'Man the Rail' there is a lot of rail to man on this monster: shoulder to shoulder, around 4.5 acres. Her displacement is about 100,000 tons with full complement.

Capability
Top speed exceeds 30 knots, powered by two nuclear reactors that can operate for more than 20 years without refueling

1. Expected to operate in the fleet for about 50 years

2. Carries over 80 combat aircraft

3. Three arresting cables can stop a 28-ton aircraft going 150 miles per hour in less than 400 feet

Size

1. Towers 20 stories above the waterline

2. 1092 feet long; nearly as long as the Empire State Building is tall

3. Flight deck covers 4.5 acres

4. 4 bronze propellers, each 21 feet across, weighing 66,200 pounds

5. 2 rudders, each 29 by 22 feet and weighing 50 tons

6.4 high speed aircraft elevators, each over 4,000 square feet

Capacity

1. Home to about 6,000 Navy personnel

2. Carries enough food and supplies to operate for 90 days

3. 18,150 meals served daily

4. Distillation plants provide 400,000 gallons of fresh water from sea water daily, enough for 2,000 homes

5. Nearly 30,000 light fixtures and 1,325 miles of cable and wiring 1,400 telephones

6. 14,000 pillowcases and 28,000 sheets

7. Costs the Navy approximately $250,000 per day for pier side operation

8. Costs the Navy approximately $25 million per day for underway operations (Sailor's salaries included).

USS BILL CLINTON
The USS William Jefferson Clinton (CVS1) set sail today from its home port of Vancouver , BC.


The ship is the first of its kind in the Navy and is a standing legacy to President Bill Clinton 'for his foresight in military budget cuts' and his conduct while holding the (formerly dignified) office of President.

The ship is constructed nearly entirely from recycled aluminum and is completely solar powered with a top speed of 5 knots.It boasts an arsenal comprised of one (unarmed) F14 Tomcat or one (unarmed) F18 Hornet aircraft which, although they cannot be launched on the 100 foot flight deck, form a very menacing presence.

As a standing order there are no firearms allowed on board.

This crew, like the crew aboard the USS Jimmy Carter, is specially trained to avoid conflicts and appease any and all enemies of the United States at all costs.

In times of conflict, the USS Clinton has orders to seek refuge in Canada.

White House Press Secretary Jesse Jackson issued the following: " This technological wonder is powered by the newest model Briggs & Stratton three horsepower engine and environmentally friendly hand paddles. Extra large white flags are ready to deploy at a moments notice. Government scientists are also working on top secret 'retro sails' which will allow this ship to make the fastest retreat of any ship in history"

An onboard Type One DNC Universal Translator can send out messages of apology in any language to anyone who may find America offensive. The number of apologies are limitless and though some may seem hollow and disingenuous, the Navy advises all apologies will sound very sincere.

USS BARACK OBAMA

He has no plan, no ideas and just like his presidency, no legitimacy.
This is what the increase in taxes on small business support!

These new sailors are filling all the new government jobs promised by the Democrats

This high tech vessel was christened by Rev. Wright

The USS Sharpton is currently under construction in Kenya while the SS Pelosi is being built from recycled Corona cans in Mexico

[Lady Jag]

It’s just the American one?

It’s all Obama’s fault.

[Nateman]

[Lucky9teen]

Ah...I wonder if it’s because I’m using Firefox?

[CSM]

Whew, I was feeling really challenged today. I’m glad I’m not the only one that was already seeing the full address.

[Pan_Yan]

As a result of Senate-proposed force reductions and budget cuts, the U.S. Marine Corps has developed a program to reduce the number of personnel. This program is under test phase and will take affect 1 January 2010.

Under this new program, older Marine personnel will be asked to go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of the younger Marines who represent the future of the Corps. Therefore, this program will phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year. This initial phase of the program will be known as the Serviceman Late-Aged Program (SLAP).

Marines who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the Corps. SLAPPED Marines can request a review of their personnel records before actual retirement takes place. This phase of the program is called the Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers (SCREW).

All personnel who have been SLAPPED or SCREWED may file an appeal with their chain of command with final authority at the Wing or Division level. This is called the Study by Higher Authority Following Termination (SHAFT).
Under the terms of the new policy, a Marine may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the Marine Corps deems appropriate.

If a Marine follows the above procedures, he/she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel’s Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump-Sum Assistance Payment), unless he/she already has AIDS (Additional Income From Dependents or Spouse).

As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any Marine who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the Corps. The Corps wants to assure the younger Marines who remain on board that the service will continue its policy of training through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT).

The Corps takes pride in the amount of SHIT our Marines receive. We have given our people more SHIT than any other service.

If any Marine feels they do not receive enough SHIT at their current duty station, see your immediate supervisor. YOUR SUPERVISOR IS SPECIFICALLY TRAINED TO MAKE SURE YOU RECEIVE ALL THE SHIT YOU CAN STAND.

[llevrok]

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, ‘Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.’
The gentleman replied, ‘Oh, I haven’t told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!’

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: ‘Slim, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?’
Slim says, ‘I feel just like a newborn baby.’
‘Really!? Like a newborn baby!?’
‘Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.’

[CSM]

I’m toilet paper. Figures!

[Travis T. OJustice]

You Are Conditioner

You are naturally nurturing and calming. You smooth things over.
You can have a neutralizing effect. You can deal with chaos well.

You are encouraging and supportive. You have a gentle touch.
You are generous and bighearted. You have a lot to give.

What Bathroom Product Are You?

[tnlibertarian]

What Bathroom Product Are You?

Whadoyamean I'm a douche?!?

[Travis T. OJustice]

[lilylangtree]

An Israeli doctor said to a medical conference, “Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it into another and have him looking for work in six weeks!”

The German doctor stood up and said, “Well, medicine in my county is so advanced, we can take a lung out of one person and put it into another and have him looking for work in 4 weeks.”

The Russian doctor got up and said, “My country is even more advanced. We can remove half a heart from one person, put it into another, and have them both looking for work in just 2 weeks!”

Not to be outdone, the American doctor stood up and addressed the conference. “Well,” he said “my country is so far advanced in medicine, we can take an ass out of Chicago, put him in the White House, and have half the country looking for work in just 24 hours!”

[dragonblustar]

I'm in need of new silly pictures.....

[PERKY2004]

[PERKY2004]

I thought this was pretty entertaining ...

[PERKY2004]

[Loud Mime]

The world’s largest container ship is over 1100 feet in length; it’s an economic warship.

[Lucky9teen]

[Lucky9teen]

[BigFinn]

DOCTOR JOHN'S CURE FOR CONSTIPATION

If you are bothered by occasional or frequent constipation, look in the mirror and repeat the following phrase three times in succession, when symptoms occur:

"My financial and personal well being are totally in the hands of Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, Tim Geithner, Rahm Emmanual, Barney Frank, Chris Dodd, and Al Gore." If that doesn't scare the crap out of you, then you are probably destined to be backed up for the rest of your life.

There is no need to thank me for this advice. I'm just doing a public service.

[a fool in paradise]

If allergies have you down, just take a bottle of ex-lax.

It won’t fight your allergies but you’ll be too afraid to sneeze.