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What happens when the woman of your dreams is a nightmare?
Apr 23, 2008
| By Lazamataz
Posted on 04/23/2008 9:56:59 AM PDT by Lazamataz
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To: Lazamataz
To: Lazamataz
Laz,
Let me ask you a question - what were you looking for when you met her? Did you give yourself enough time to get to know her before you started talking marriage, or did you fall in love with an image of what you wanted that prevented you from pulling the curtain back and seeing what was really there?
I’m not lecturing you because I have definitely been there and done that more times than I care to admit. Years ago, when a really bad “relationship” ended after 9+ years, I put myself out to pasture so I could take a long look at me and get to know who I was. After a long string of failed relationships, the one common element in all of them was me.
6 years later, I was ready to date again. I found my wife and we got married and have remained happily so for over 14 years. Sometimes, we create images in our minds that interfere with us seeing what is right in front of us because we don’t want to see those things. Fortunately for me, the image I had of my wife matched the reality.
I’m sorry your relationship ended the way that it did - it’s a bitter pill to swallow. By the same token, at least you found out BEFORE you tied the know with her.
Good luck.
42
posted on
04/23/2008 10:24:17 AM PDT
by
DustyMoment
(FloriDUH - proud inventors of pregnant/hanging chads and judicide!!)
To: Lazamataz
43
posted on
04/23/2008 10:24:22 AM PDT
by
gathersnomoss
(General George Patton had it right.)
To: txflake
Glad youre back and out of that mess. I was starting to worry about you.We always flirted. Now that I am out of that thing, if you look even slightly cute in a thong, marry me.
Marry me today.
44
posted on
04/23/2008 10:26:42 AM PDT
by
Lazamataz
(Secondhand Aztlan Smoke causes drug addiction obesity in global warming cancer immigrant terrorists.)
To: DustyMoment
or did you fall in love with an image of what you wanted that prevented you from pulling the curtain back and seeing what was really there?EXACTLY! I fell in love with the image of who she was.
45
posted on
04/23/2008 10:27:57 AM PDT
by
Lazamataz
(Secondhand Aztlan Smoke causes drug addiction obesity in global warming cancer immigrant terrorists.)
To: Lazamataz
Turn Around.
RUN!
Don't look back.
46
posted on
04/23/2008 10:28:03 AM PDT
by
Species8472
(If 50 million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing)
To: Lazamataz
Oh Laz, I am sorry to see this. I hope she gets help before her actions get her killed. I’ll send you an e-hug and keep your future happiness in my prayers.
R
47
posted on
04/23/2008 10:28:34 AM PDT
by
RikaStrom
(The number one rule of the Kama Sutra is that you both be on the same page.../Exeter 051705)
To: gathersnomoss
Save the child, now.I sent in the relatives. It's on them, now. They are responsible so I suspect the child will get protection.
48
posted on
04/23/2008 10:28:50 AM PDT
by
Lazamataz
(Secondhand Aztlan Smoke causes drug addiction obesity in global warming cancer immigrant terrorists.)
To: Lazamataz
49
posted on
04/23/2008 10:29:08 AM PDT
by
txhurl
(Now come over here and fix this code I just screwed up)
To: Lazamataz
I have a similar woman in my past too. She was the only woman I could have dreamed about spending the rest of my life with. She cheated on me, but I forgave her. She turned to me whenever she needed an emotional boost and I got tired of being that person for her because she refused to commit. She had problems with the ex-husband and refused to get involved like that until the time was right. Turns out that she was getting high and allowing her ex to film their experiences in various sexual acts and he was selling them on the web.
Nice girl, beautiful eyes, great smile, fantastic legs and smart at work but an awful judge of character so I turned the page seven years ago. A mutual friend told me that her latest dumped her because she was too old and he wanted someone w/o a child to spend the summer with him at the beach.
Whenever I see someone with her eyes or that smells like her perfume, I still wonder about what might have been, but my wife (we met afterward) and our two kids keep me too busy to really think about it much.
Thanks for sharing. it's good to know that other people have been through something similar.
50
posted on
04/23/2008 10:29:31 AM PDT
by
newnhdad
To: metesky; Lazamataz
51
posted on
04/23/2008 10:30:25 AM PDT
by
metesky
("Brethren, leave us go amongst them." Rev. Capt. Samuel Johnston Clayton - Ward Bond- The Searchers)
To: Lazamataz
> I am an addict in recovery myself. The issue is not the drugs. The SYMPTOM is the drugs. The ISSUE is the incredible lack of self-worth and absence of any self-love.
OK, let’s say that it is as you say (it probably is). How much of that can you fix, without damaging yourself in the process? (the latter part being most important — “always put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others” as the airlines say.)
If she does not value herself, you can’t make her do it.
I’d argue that the drugs exacerbate the problem of low self-esteem. Just possibly they cause it. One thing that I do know is this: the price you will pay for finding out is likely to be far too high.
Don’t toss her on the trash heap: definitely don’t do that. That wouldn’t be kind, and it wouldn’t be right. But her solution begins when she can set aside the drugs. From there she has a base upon which she can build.
But the drugs have to go. First. If she cannot do that, then you probably cannot help her.
Nobody can, in that case.
She must help herself.
52
posted on
04/23/2008 10:30:41 AM PDT
by
DieHard the Hunter
(Is mise an ceann-cinnidh. Cha ghéill mi do dhuine. Fà g am bealach.)
To: AppyPappy
Now I have seen everything.You haven't seen my genitals.
![](http://radio.weblogs.com/0105910/images/hiphop_atom.jpg)
Now you HAVE seen everything.
53
posted on
04/23/2008 10:31:04 AM PDT
by
Lazamataz
(Secondhand Aztlan Smoke causes drug addiction obesity in global warming cancer immigrant terrorists.)
To: MrB
“A friend of mine is compiling a list of get to know you questions that hes having his sons and daughters discuss with any future mate before they get emotionally committed. Sounds like a good strategy, in conjunction with group settings for meeting people.”
If you could post those questions please do...I and I’m sure others would appreciate seeing them.
54
posted on
04/23/2008 10:32:02 AM PDT
by
dg62
To: Lazamataz
That is tough man. Hang in there. I have been through something similar but on a much smaller and less tragic scale. It really makes you doubt yourself with the ‘how did I not see this’ and the ‘what did I do wrong’. You need to spend a bunch of time focusing on yourself and being happy with were you are in life to build your self confidence back up a bit.
The problem is getting to emotionally involve with someone before being sure who they are all the way through. And I am not talking about sex on the first date or anything. I mean there is a ton to learn about someone and you have to stay 100% objective (impossible, but that is the goal) until you are 100% sure they are the one for you. Jump too soon and your heart overrides all the warning signs. Then you don't see the little things until they start piling up much later. It is not that they were not there. AND it is not that you are so imperceptive that you can't read people. It is that the emotions cloud judgment. Not just in you but in me and everyone. How many times have you heard a story about someone drastically changing after a relationship starts? I have lots of times. It is not so much that they change out of the clear blue as that the other person had compromised judgment and could not see it coming.
Make a list of the things you absolutely can't compromise on and don't give any woman a second look who does not meet it. But slack off on the 'supermodel body' category since that fades over time for everyone. Don't hesitate to put real character traits on there. Also you must absolutely meet the woman's friends and family. You can learn a TON about someone by listening to what they say about another behind their back and then meeting that other person and making your own judgments. If your judgments don't match what you were told there is a problem in there somewhere. Also focus on the causes when making your list and not the effects. Beautiful is not the same as 'not slovenly'. Sweet natured to you and nice is not as useful as 'chooses her friends well.' 'Talented professional' is nothing 'smart' and 'thoughtful'.
Hang in there man, it is not you. Above all avoid guilt. You should not be in a relationship to rehabilitate someone. Don't ever think you can solve their problems. Assume their issues are hear to stay and then decide if the issue is a veto factor or if you can live with it. Don't marry for charity.
Have a beer on us and try not to stew about it. She is adult enough to make her own mistakes. Rent a movie or something and try not to think about it too hard.
55
posted on
04/23/2008 10:32:16 AM PDT
by
TalonDJ
To: Lazamataz
In the interests of full disclosure, I, too, had a cocaine-drug habit until 2005. Wow!. That's really a story to post. All I can say, is be glad you didn't marry her.
By the way, CONGRATULATIONS on overcoming your drug problem. May I ask how you were able to overcome your drug problem, when so many others apparently cannot?
Thank you for posting this. Although painful, it adds to the knowledge base, and promotes discussion.
I think you have just helped me understand my neice's situation. Hers is pretty much the same story about losing her job, getting her car repossessed, her house is falling apart and filthy, clothes that are beyond dirty, etc.
Of course her story is that she has fallen on hard times and has a lot of bad luck, and the family (including myself) has spent a lot trying to help her (give her food, pay for utility bills, etc.). Certainly seems like something she is not telling us (more to her story). So your story of your 42 year old former girlfriend's situation was really valuable.
I am sure "losing" someone in this manner is troubling. Almost like a suicide, but they are still alive as some kind of zombie.
Laz, just move on with your life, and (again) be glad you did not marry her.
56
posted on
04/23/2008 10:32:25 AM PDT
by
Screaming_Gerbil
(How do you know that the light at the end of the tunnel isn't a muzzle flash?)
To: txflake
That was too easy. Now I think you are too much like Karen. :) I’m scared and running again. :)
57
posted on
04/23/2008 10:33:03 AM PDT
by
Lazamataz
(Secondhand Aztlan Smoke causes drug addiction obesity in global warming cancer immigrant terrorists.)
To: Lazamataz
Laz, you were in love with an idea or impression of who you thought this woman was you were never in love with her.
Been there, done that with an ex-wife. Once I was willing to accept that it was the idea of who I thought she was that I was in love with and not the actual person things got very easy, very quickly.
Shortly you will look back on your time with her and thank god you saw her for who she really is and not who you thought she was before you married her.
If you think it’s hard now just imagine how hard it would have been to have that nightmare living in your home with you when she went bad.
To: DieHard the Hunter; Lazamataz
He does not have to ‘toss her in the trash heap’ to put her on the ‘never consider marrying’ list. You are right Hunter, she has to help herself. He can be her friend and stuff but I would highly recommend against ever considering ‘taking her back’ in any way shape or form. Laz you need someone that will support your weaknesses and build up your strengths. This woman is the opposite of that. You can't both dig out of depression by being depressed together. Does not work that way.
59
posted on
04/23/2008 10:35:55 AM PDT
by
TalonDJ
To: Screaming_Gerbil
By the way, CONGRATULATIONS on overcoming your drug problem. May I ask how you were able to overcome your drug problem, when so many others apparently cannot?I have not overcome my drug problem. That's the key to overcoming it; when you realize that you have a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of your spiritual condition. That's the only way to make it -- one day at a time.
My old monkey is back on me, now that I am trying to experience through these problems, so I have to be especially vigilent right now.
60
posted on
04/23/2008 10:36:02 AM PDT
by
Lazamataz
(Secondhand Aztlan Smoke causes drug addiction obesity in global warming cancer immigrant terrorists.)
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