What happens when the woman of your dreams is a nightmare?

Apr 23, 2008 | By Lazamataz

[Lazamataz]

I've been trying to cope with life as it is today. It's different than it was, that's for sure.

About July of 2006, I met the woman of my dreams. Intelligent, very pretty, highly sexually-charged, professional, able to understand my offbeat humor, seemingly very compatible with me in every way. Soon after starting to date, we began to plan to marry. Our target date was June of 2007.

Some things began to bother me, however. She seemed to make major changes, quickly. She converted in levels of religious fervor, and seemed to change in core directions, too quickly. I began to see various, if small, lies.

Too, I had my problems. I was beginning to become judgemental about her. I wasn't accepting who she was, but who I wanted her to be. She was judgemental and controlling in return.

I noticed she had a huge low self-esteem, and I also have been cursed with that -- although I am working on myself, diligently. She admitted to me that she had bulimia, but then lied about individual episiodes. There were times she smelled like vomit, but swore she hadn't acted out.

Well, around about October of last year, she hooked up with the father of her child, a 5x convicted felon and currently-active crackhead.

She called me last week because she needed groceries. Apparently, she started using crack with him, picking up this habit at the age of 42. She lost her job. Her car's about to be repossessed. She has no electricity. She's fallen apart. Her skin tone, normally beautiful, is ashen. She looks about 10 years older than she did. Her hair was a mess. She had bruises all over her. She's gained 20-30 lbs, and has a big belly now, and fat legs. She wasn't attractive any more. She just wasn't.

Her house is trashed. There is damage to many of the interior door jams, like someone busted in. There is trash on the floor everywhere. There doesn't appear to be a clean dish in the house. The hallways had empty crack bags in them. The clothes they wore looked unwashed.

Ray had a big bite mark on his arm where she bit to the muscle. She's become an animal -- an animal who bites. She was spiritually vacant. Her eyes had no soul.

She's absolutely not for me. She hates herself. She's incapable of love. She doesn't even give a *** about her daughter. That's the toughest part to see. She says her daughter is a typical rebellious teenager. MAYBE it has a LITTLE to do with the fact that the house is falling into a pit of horror, and her Mom is high on crack, drunk out of her mind, fighting and biting her husband until he bleeds.

She's dangerously insane. I will never consider being with her for a minute. I cannot believe I almost married this nutcase. I need better discernment.

[blondatheart]

Yup, clean and sober for almost 11 years. Never miss it. Sorry to hear about your troubles, however it does get better day by day. True love will come to you when you least expect it. It did for me and I was not even looking.

[A_perfect_lady]

Okay, but you have to promise to be a controlling brute in bed, yet a servile wretch in the kitchen.

[Lazamataz]

THAT IS SO ME!

[potlatch]

[She has a heart as big as Texas. I am lucky.]

You are very lucky Meek and I’m happy for you.

Lol, I saw this thread when it started, wanted to post on it but decided not to as many turn into woman bashing threads and I hate that. Have NOT read through this one.

[Yaelle]

I believe right now you are hitting yourself HARD as a bad judge of character. Please GO EASY ON YOURSELF.

Many people who might today be the pit of misery and self-sabotage (often with the help of substances) could have been or were great successes. You caught her at her “best” and after a very short time she was already letting the chinks show through the armor.

I believe it takes about 2.5 years of befriending someone before you know them well enough to know whether they would be a good match for marriage.

But all of us can be fooled. All of us have made mistakes so we are ready to overlook some mistakes by others. You were in the throes of infatuation and no doubt she tried her hardest to cover up her weaknesses so as to appeal to what she surely saw as a “great catch.” She was able to pull it off for a time. Be glad you are a conservative and not a lib or you probably already would have moved in (and fathered twins??)! :)

Please look at women a little differently. Don’t seek out “hot.” “Hot” is so superficial. Believe me, if someone loves you and is stable, self-loving, whole, and smart/funny, she WILL be hot to you. Forever. Because no one stays 25 and bursting with sex appeal. If you want someone for the long journey, you have to find someone special who is already secure and happy. You also have to be pretty secure and happy too.

I do believe there is someone for everyone, though it sure is hard to find that person or choice of persons who would work. There may be no “ideal,” just someone great.

I am glad you dodged that bullet. Do not keep up that relationship out of pity. Pray for her and let her go. She made those choices. Keep wiser persons in your life. Life is damn short.

[Yaelle]

You’d think an intelligent guy like Rush Limbaugh would learn, but he doesn’t and keeps getting involved in losers.

Is Rush's golf girlfriend a loser? I had hoped he had chosen well this time?

[Lazamataz]

This is not a woman bashing thread, that I noticed. It’s more of a reflective, how-could-I-have-done-something-different, supportive thread directed at me. I have a lot of freeper friends, apparantly, even if I haven’t been active in a long time.

[Yaelle]

I agree, but if a woman isn't hot, she won't be compatible to me.

This may have been said with a wink, but the truth is, if you only think with your d*ck you will end up with a Monica. There was a reason Rick James called it "the kind you don't take home to Mama." For LOVE there has to be a LOT more than great orgasms.

No, really.

[Lazamataz]

Many people who might today be the pit of misery and self-sabotage (often with the help of substances) could have been or were great successes. You caught her at her “best” and after a very short time she was already letting the chinks show through the armor.

True. When I met her, she was an office manager for a fairly good-sized company. She was smart, successful, and interested in me. She was religious (if not especially spiritual) and she was a Girl Scout mom and active in volunteering. She seemed AMAZING.

But, to a person, all my friends who met her were very circumspect but telling me I wasn't seeing things accurately.

I began to notice her decisions seemed crazier and crazier. Actually, I'm sure the decisions were the same. It's just that I as beginning to see.

I believe it takes about 2.5 years of befriending someone before you know them well enough to know whether they would be a good match for marriage.

I am patient; I will agree to wait 2.5 days.

But all of us can be fooled. All of us have made mistakes so we are ready to overlook some mistakes by others. You were in the throes of infatuation and no doubt she tried her hardest to cover up her weaknesses so as to appeal to what she surely saw as a “great catch.”

She always called me just that.

She was able to pull it off for a time. Be glad you are a conservative and not a lib or you probably already would have moved in (and fathered twins??)! :)

I almost moved in. I almost married.

Please look at women a little differently. Don’t seek out “hot.” “Hot” is so superficial.

I don't mean hot to YOU, I mean hot to ME. She had a lot of hanging-damaged skin from being about 200 lbs overweight for most of her life. She had lost a lot of that weight, but she wasn't amazingly 'hot'. She was a little prettier than average, but she wasn't 'hot'.

But she was hot to ME.

That's all I need.

[Lazamataz]

Again: Hot to ME.

That's not too much to ask.

[potlatch]

Thanks for writing Laz. I have not read through it as I said, and glad to hear it is keeping a courteous tone.

Also - I sympathize with what you went through, I do and I know it was painful.

Far too often some threads do turn into a ‘bashing’ contest and I hate that.

[Yaelle]

But, to a person, all my friends who met her were very circumspect but telling me I wasn't seeing things accurately.

Yeah, I had friends who were not quite as nice as yours were. When I married the first time they all waited until we split up to tell me they never liked him, etc.

Next time, definitely run the woman past all the friends who love you. And listen to them. If they all are saying similar things, they MIGHT be right.

I think you are very smart and funny and would INDEED be a good catch!

I'm guessing or half-remembering that you are Jewish (as am I). I know you can't just go to shul and find a good conservative woman there (because they seem to all be bleeding-heart libs!!! Don't get me started!). Maybe working on a campaign or volunteering in some conservative activities? I hope and pray you find some one who is a great friend to you. That's really what you need. I'd get a lockbox for your "junk" for a long time and just check out people's character and personality. I know you don't agree but I think it would be a smart thing to do. You think sexual satisfaction would help you be happy but just thinking like that right now can lead you down a wrong path.

[Brian S. Fitzgerald]

Very sad, sounds like she could be bipolar, off her meds.

[SauronOfMordor]

Thanks for your entire message. I got a lot out of it.

Don't ever doubt that we love you, man, especially when you're weird. (No, that does not mean I'll sleep with you, you're not my type, so don't ask)

She also had a sex addiction (which, by the way, I loved... lol)....

Over more decades than I care to admit to, one thing I've noticed is that girls like that are often not sleeping with just you. I'm not talking about women with a healthy libido, I'm talking about insecure women who have an obsessive need to reassure themselves about their self image by verifying that guys find them desirable

He shared with me, later, in private, that 15 years ago she was a hard-core crackhead. The entire time they were together, they were using.

15 years ago she would have been in her 20's. If she was using heavily, then I wouldn't be surprised if she was financing her habit via prostitution. If this was the case, she was probably terrified of her past being discovered by the good and decent man she was seeing, and what you would think of her after you knew

She had self-esteem issues, and her hidden past was a big factor. She was going through every day knowing that she was lying to the man who loved her, and it was gnawing at her soul

I would guess that she started finally thinking "I can't take it any more! I can't keep up this mask any more! Laz, THIS IS WHO I REALLY AM!"

Don't assume that there was any part of this that you could have done better. She was most likely beyond your ability to do anything for her

[DCPatriot]

Best to you Laz.

[Yossarian]

You have mail, my anonymous internet friend. Your situation is extreme, but you aren’t alone. Drugs, as you know, are a horrible, horrible thing. And love can blind you, that’s for sure....

Hang in there, and I’ll keep you in my prayers. Stay on the good clean course that God wants you to be on, and things - while not perfect - will be far better than the alternative.

[AnOldCowhand]

Laz,
Just checked my pings so I’m a little late here.
Steve Holy has the best advice:

[Verse 1]
She said, “I need some time to find myself,
I need a little space to think.
Maybe we should start seeing other people.
Baby, things are moving way too fast for me.”
So, I picked up what was left of my pride,
And I put on my walking shoes,
And I got up on that high road,
And I did what any gentleman would do..
I, um...

[Chorus]
I got a brand new girlfriend.
We went and jumped off the deep end,
Flew out to LA for the weekend,
Spent the whole day lyin’ on the beach,
Wearin’ nothin’ but a smile,
Playin’ kissy-kissy, smoochy-smoochy,
Talkin’ mooshy-mooshy ‘bout nothin’.
Man, I think I’m on to somethin’,
Ya know I feel just like a kid again.
I got a brand new girlfriend.

........

[Vision]

In the interests of full disclosure, I, too, had a cocaine-drug habit until 2005.

I remember the unrelenting posts.

Godspeed to you. Put your trust in Him.

[gogeo]

Love is a decision and everyone is loveable and hateable. If you commit to love someone (like your spouse), you focus on the good and try to look past the bad. That doesn’t make the person you “love” a figment of your imagination. It just makes you a loving person that keeps their word...

I agree. I'd add something else, that we're assuming two reasonably healthy, non-abusive people. It matters.

[MeekOneGOP]

Thank you! :^D