Posted on 04/23/2008 9:56:59 AM PDT by Lazamataz
I've been trying to cope with life as it is today. It's different than it was, that's for sure.
About July of 2006, I met the woman of my dreams. Intelligent, very pretty, highly sexually-charged, professional, able to understand my offbeat humor, seemingly very compatible with me in every way. Soon after starting to date, we began to plan to marry. Our target date was June of 2007.
Some things began to bother me, however. She seemed to make major changes, quickly. She converted in levels of religious fervor, and seemed to change in core directions, too quickly. I began to see various, if small, lies.
Too, I had my problems. I was beginning to become judgemental about her. I wasn't accepting who she was, but who I wanted her to be. She was judgemental and controlling in return.
I noticed she had a huge low self-esteem, and I also have been cursed with that -- although I am working on myself, diligently. She admitted to me that she had bulimia, but then lied about individual episiodes. There were times she smelled like vomit, but swore she hadn't acted out.
Well, around about October of last year, she hooked up with the father of her child, a 5x convicted felon and currently-active crackhead.
She called me last week because she needed groceries. Apparently, she started using crack with him, picking up this habit at the age of 42. She lost her job. Her car's about to be repossessed. She has no electricity. She's fallen apart. Her skin tone, normally beautiful, is ashen. She looks about 10 years older than she did. Her hair was a mess. She had bruises all over her. She's gained 20-30 lbs, and has a big belly now, and fat legs. She wasn't attractive any more. She just wasn't.
Her house is trashed. There is damage to many of the interior door jams, like someone busted in. There is trash on the floor everywhere. There doesn't appear to be a clean dish in the house. The hallways had empty crack bags in them. The clothes they wore looked unwashed.
Ray had a big bite mark on his arm where she bit to the muscle. She's become an animal -- an animal who bites. She was spiritually vacant. Her eyes had no soul.
She's absolutely not for me. She hates herself. She's incapable of love. She doesn't even give a *** about her daughter. That's the toughest part to see. She says her daughter is a typical rebellious teenager. MAYBE it has a LITTLE to do with the fact that the house is falling into a pit of horror, and her Mom is high on crack, drunk out of her mind, fighting and biting her husband until he bleeds.
She's dangerously insane. I will never consider being with her for a minute. I cannot believe I almost married this nutcase. I need better discernment.
I'm with you. The people who most vociferously defend drug use are generally people who are into drugs. And yes, alcohol is a drug.
Some drugs change a person more than others, of course. Crack causes extreme changes.
I blame you for ALL my current problems.
And sex addict.
Don't forget the sex addiction.
As long as I don’t get blamed for the problems you had before me, that’s a burden I can shoulder.
Although while we’re on the subject, I should add that for your pre-existing problems, I blame Canada.
My strong suspicion is that she's been having problems with drugs and difficulty with coping with life for a long time -- it's just that she was able to mask it from you for a while. I don't think she woke up one day from a drug-free life and decided to become a crackhead.
She had active bulimia. That was one of her coping mechanisms. She also had a sex addiction (which, by the way, I loved... lol)....
It's unlikely that a complete innocent decides to bear the child of a crackhead chronic felon
He shared with me, later, in private, that 15 years ago she was a hard-core crackhead. The entire time they were together, they were using.
I'm also going to guess that you were effusive in your telling her how wonderful she was
I was. I felt it. But the reality was, I saw her IMAGE, what I WANTED her to be. Not her.
So there she is, with a past that she hasn't fully revealed to you, wondering at what point you will find out, having low self-esteem and thinking she had every reason to have low self esteem because of all the things she's done. She realizes that there's no way she's not going to eventually betray you and shatter your illusions.
This is exactly as it was. She would ask me, in wonderment, "What is it that you SEE about me???". She would be in amazement that I loved her. She didn't see what was lovable about her.
Many years ago, an ex girlfriend of mine hooked up with Mr Wonderful. We were still friends, and she would tell me about the great guy she was about to marry, a highly paid software consultant, handsome, well dressed. Things looked good for her until the cops came to visit. Mr Wonderful was actually making his living as a con man and writer of bad checks. She was devastated. He came over later that day, she confronted him, he freaked out over having his secret life exposed, and he murdered her
Wow. I guess I should be thankful I got out of that thing alive.
Thanks for your entire message. I got a lot out of it.
Canada sucks.
lol. I am not certain it works that way, but at least you’re optimistic.
>>That’s very wise.<<
It kind of depends on the source of the statement. ;) The woman that said it to me was not being wise. She was justifying her position. And a great deal of it was her own insecurities. She didn’t feel at the core of her being that she deserved the respectful and loving way I treated her so in her own mind she didn’t see it as done for her, but done for my imaginary woman for which she was a symbol.
All poppycock.
Love is a decision and everyone is loveable and hateable. If you commit to love someone (like your spouse), you focus on the good and try to look past the bad. That doesn’t make the person you “love” a figment of your imagination. It just makes you a loving person that keeps their word.
You see, the woman I loved DID exist (though she does no longer). Unfortunately, the one that said that did too - and she most definitely DOES still exist.
Holy piss. I just stumbled across this-—best of luck, Lazz.
All people are figments of our imagination. We can never truly know another.
Especially wish me luck with the upcoming triple-murder trial.
OK,
My two cents-—oddly, I’ve been in something similar (except mine was dealing with a guilt ridden alcoholic)
Life is like a fast moving river with currents to strong to go back upstream. Sometimes you have a wonderful patch of time with another person— a day, a week, a month, years if you’re lucky. And it heals you, changes you, gives you wonderful memories. The experience and good gained is what you cling to....
That person, who they were at that moment in time was real. Maybe not a consistant version of themselves that they could maintain, but during that time, with you, they became something different, better. Maybe you were part of what helped them be better, or want to change, or wish to create that island of peace.
But whatever demons and frailities there won out, and the being they wished to be shattered and what was left was part that they were fighting from the beginning. Sadly, that’s the way it often is....too much strenght needed and not enough will. Or maybe the pull to the past was too strong. Usually coupled with a heavy dose of self-loathing which makes them destroy the good around them, believing they don’t deserve it.
You can’t go back-— but that is what grief is, that wishing to go back. Grieve for who she could have been, remember the good fondly, don’t regret having known her and most of all, move forward. In a free world, we all choose who we are, what part of ourselves we let win. She made her choice. A bad one.
But it has nothing to do with you or who you are.
Hyperbole First, Responsibility2nd.
>>All people are figments of our imagination. We can never truly know another.<<
Exactly! She was actually merely stating the obvious - that is really true in all relationships.
Thnak you sweety.
Back attcha-—
>>All people are figments of our imagination. We can never truly know another.<<
I should mention though, that although my breakup was hard (20 years of marriage with three beautiful daughters - seriously so - and I never saw it coming), she freed me to a life that I never thought could be lived by people outside of romantic comedy chick flicks. I’ve been living it for 11 years and I am 54 now!
It is as though I was reincarnated and clearly remember my previous life. This one is MUCH better.
My point - it DOES get better! Sometimes it exceeds your wildest expectations. This may not be easy to believe, I know it wouldn’t have been for me back then, but it is the honest truth.
My life is misery followed by despair and hatred, coupled with the death of all that is holy and gracious. God hates me on a personal level. Nothing fills with joy, all is bland and lifeless. The only thing that distracts me from loathing of every minute of every day, is the fact that I truly despise it all.
On the positive side, at least it will be over someday! :)
I only believe 86% of what I wrote. :)
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