My strong suspicion is that she's been having problems with drugs and difficulty with coping with life for a long time -- it's just that she was able to mask it from you for a while. I don't think she woke up one day from a drug-free life and decided to become a crackhead.
She had active bulimia. That was one of her coping mechanisms. She also had a sex addiction (which, by the way, I loved... lol)....
It's unlikely that a complete innocent decides to bear the child of a crackhead chronic felon
He shared with me, later, in private, that 15 years ago she was a hard-core crackhead. The entire time they were together, they were using.
I'm also going to guess that you were effusive in your telling her how wonderful she was
I was. I felt it. But the reality was, I saw her IMAGE, what I WANTED her to be. Not her.
So there she is, with a past that she hasn't fully revealed to you, wondering at what point you will find out, having low self-esteem and thinking she had every reason to have low self esteem because of all the things she's done. She realizes that there's no way she's not going to eventually betray you and shatter your illusions.
This is exactly as it was. She would ask me, in wonderment, "What is it that you SEE about me???". She would be in amazement that I loved her. She didn't see what was lovable about her.
Many years ago, an ex girlfriend of mine hooked up with Mr Wonderful. We were still friends, and she would tell me about the great guy she was about to marry, a highly paid software consultant, handsome, well dressed. Things looked good for her until the cops came to visit. Mr Wonderful was actually making his living as a con man and writer of bad checks. She was devastated. He came over later that day, she confronted him, he freaked out over having his secret life exposed, and he murdered her
Wow. I guess I should be thankful I got out of that thing alive.
Thanks for your entire message. I got a lot out of it.
Don't ever doubt that we love you, man, especially when you're weird. (No, that does not mean I'll sleep with you, you're not my type, so don't ask)
She also had a sex addiction (which, by the way, I loved... lol)....
Over more decades than I care to admit to, one thing I've noticed is that girls like that are often not sleeping with just you. I'm not talking about women with a healthy libido, I'm talking about insecure women who have an obsessive need to reassure themselves about their self image by verifying that guys find them desirable
He shared with me, later, in private, that 15 years ago she was a hard-core crackhead. The entire time they were together, they were using.
15 years ago she would have been in her 20's. If she was using heavily, then I wouldn't be surprised if she was financing her habit via prostitution. If this was the case, she was probably terrified of her past being discovered by the good and decent man she was seeing, and what you would think of her after you knew
She had self-esteem issues, and her hidden past was a big factor. She was going through every day knowing that she was lying to the man who loved her, and it was gnawing at her soul
I would guess that she started finally thinking "I can't take it any more! I can't keep up this mask any more! Laz, THIS IS WHO I REALLY AM!"
Don't assume that there was any part of this that you could have done better. She was most likely beyond your ability to do anything for her