OK,
My two cents-—oddly, I’ve been in something similar (except mine was dealing with a guilt ridden alcoholic)
Life is like a fast moving river with currents to strong to go back upstream. Sometimes you have a wonderful patch of time with another person— a day, a week, a month, years if you’re lucky. And it heals you, changes you, gives you wonderful memories. The experience and good gained is what you cling to....
That person, who they were at that moment in time was real. Maybe not a consistant version of themselves that they could maintain, but during that time, with you, they became something different, better. Maybe you were part of what helped them be better, or want to change, or wish to create that island of peace.
But whatever demons and frailities there won out, and the being they wished to be shattered and what was left was part that they were fighting from the beginning. Sadly, that’s the way it often is....too much strenght needed and not enough will. Or maybe the pull to the past was too strong. Usually coupled with a heavy dose of self-loathing which makes them destroy the good around them, believing they don’t deserve it.
You can’t go back-— but that is what grief is, that wishing to go back. Grieve for who she could have been, remember the good fondly, don’t regret having known her and most of all, move forward. In a free world, we all choose who we are, what part of ourselves we let win. She made her choice. A bad one.
But it has nothing to do with you or who you are.
Thnak you sweety.