Life is meant to be lived.
Posted on 09/15/2006 2:12:28 AM PDT by sully777
Hey, look who's back. Good to see you JJR.
A Chinese couple gets married, and she's a virgin. Truth be told, he is none too experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring: "My daring," he says, "I know dis you fus time and you berry frighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you wan, I do anyting jus anyting you wan, you say. Watchou wan?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride. A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I wan...numba 69." More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries, "You wan...beef with brocceri?"
A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this particular brain store. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.
"How much does it cost for engineer brain?"
"Three dollars an ounce."
"How much does it cost for programmer brain?"
"Four dollars an ounce."
"How much for lawyer brain?"
"$1,000 an ounce."
"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?"
A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.
So the new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,"Ok, old fart, time to retire."
The old rooster replies, "come on, you can't handle ALL these chickens, look what it's done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"
The young rooster says,"Scram! Beat it! You're washed up and I'm taking over."
The old rooster says, "I'll tell you what, young stud, I'll race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."
The young rooster laughs, "You know you don't stand a chance old man, so just to be fair, I'll give you a head start."
So, they get a chicken to cluck "Go!", and the old rooster takes off running.
About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap He's already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by.
He grabs up his shotgun and BOOM!, he blows the young rooster to bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head, "Dang it,.....third gay rooster I bought this month."
You know you must be an engineer when...
Do any of these sound familiar?
You take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the engine room.
The salespeople at the local computer store can’t answer any of your questions.
At an air show, you know how fast the skydivers are falling.
You can quote scenes from any Monte Python movie.
You can type 70 words per minute but you can’t read your own handwriting.
You sit backwards on Disney rides so you can see how they do the special effects.
You have saved every power cord from all you broken appliances.
You know what http:// stands for.
You look forward to Christmas so you can put together kids’ toys.
You see a good design and have to change it.
You still have your slide rule and know how to use it.
You think that people yawning around you are sleep deprived.
You window shop at Radio Shack.
Your laptop computer costs more than your car.
You’ve tried to repair a $5 radio.
Was that an 84 rabbit? I had and 84 Rabbit GTI that would waste Camaros and Firebirds off the line.
Loved that close ratio 5 speed.
My son turns 13 on Sunday... pray for me...
You Might Be an Engineer if:
1. Dilbert is your hero
2. Your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner
3. You can name 6 Star Trek episodes
4. The only jokes you receive are through e-mail
5. You want RAM memory for Christmas
6. You introduce your wife as mylady@home.wife
7. Your wristwatch has more computing power than a p-90
8. You look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys
9. You have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts
10. You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie
11. Your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place
12. You use a CAD package to design your son's Pine Wood Derby car
13. At Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string
14. You window shop at Radio Shack
15. Your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies
16. You have “Dilbert” comics displayed anywhere in your work area
17. You carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that actually takes five minutes to run
18. You are convinced you can build a phazer out of your garage door opener and your camera's flash attachment
19. You don't even know where the cover to your personal computer is
20. You have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven
21. You know the direction the water swirls when you flush
22. You own “Official Star Trek” anything
23. You have ever taken the back off your TV just to see what's inside
24. A team of you and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna on the radio in your work area for better reception
25. You are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear reactor
26. You know how to take the cover off of your computer, and what size screw driver to use
27. You have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance
28. You have ever purchased an electronic appliance “as-is”
29. You have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already
30. The salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions
31. You still own a slide rule and you know how to work it
32. The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters your mind
33. Your father sat 2 inches in front of your family's first color TV with a magnifying lens to see how they made the colors, and you grew up thinking that was normal
34. You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires
35. You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal
36. You have ever owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN stands for
37. You need a checklist to turn on the TV
38. You have introduced your kids by the wrong name
39. Your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight
40. You have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work
41. You see a good design and still have to change it
42. You can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary
43. You own a set of itty-bitty screw drivers, but you don't remember where they are
44. You are aware that computers are actually only good for playing games, but are afraid to say it out loud
45. You can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting
46. The microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix it
47. People groan at the party when you pick out the music
48. You have more toys than your Kids
49. You can't remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this week
50. Your checkbook always balances
51. You've ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio
52. You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep
53. You have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage
54. Your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory
55. You know what http:/ stands for
56. Your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone
57. You thought the real heroes of “Apollo 13” were the mission controllers
58. You have more friends on the Internet than in real life
59. You spend more on your home computer than your car
60. You did the sound system for your senior prom
61. You own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts
62. Your 4 basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine 2. Fat 3. Sugar 4. Chocolate
congrats! You'll survive, I am on my 4th 13 yr old boy. Who by the way, is the most fearless of the entire pack.
I would assume it was a Rabbit L. I don't recall GTIs being a 4 door-hatchback back in the day. My car had a 4 speed and no A/C.
You know Fred, to this day I find myself pushing down for reverse when I'm driving manual.
I had a Scirrocco that would outrun most cars. Sure liked that car, too bad it could not fit a baby seat in the back, so I traded it in on a pickup.
I....
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