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The Official Weekend Singles Thread—July 28-30
OhioWfan, Kate of Spice Island, Maximus Ridiculousness

Posted on 07/28/2006 5:00:29 PM PDT by Maximus_Ridiculousness

A perspective on marriage, looking for a marriage partner, and cyberdating. 

Presented to you by OhioWfan, Kate of Spice Island, and Maximus Ridiculousness.

OhioWfan's Perspective on Making Marriage Work:

My 'assignment' for this special weekend singles thread was to outline what I believe are the ingredients of a long-term successful, loving marriage.  Obviously, in the 'it takes two to tango' spirit, I engaged my adorable life-partner/incredible husband in the task, and together we compiled a list of recommendations and qualities that we believe have made our marriage work so well.   Neither of us is perfect (especially me........he's close!), but we went into marriage with commitment and thought as well as love, and after 30 years we are more passionately in love than ever before, and are each other's deepest and most trusted friend.
 
We have grouped our thoughts in two categories.......considerations before marriage, and goals as part of marriage.   There is nothing new nor revolutionary here, but we believe these things together have worked to make our marriage incredibly close, and a lot of fun. They are generally applicable, with some specific illustrative examples of our own relationship. 
 
I.    Important things to consider prior to marriage
II.    In Marriage

 

So............these are the things that we both believe have helped make our marriage strong.   The details may be different for others, but we believe the principles apply for every couple wanting to make their marriage really succeed.  Some people say a good marriage takes 'work,' but we both disagree.  We think that being married and trying to keep our marriage alive is great fun.  It's God's plan, and it's awesome to be right in the middle of it!

Kate and Phil's Story of Love and Marriage

Phil and I first met back in the teen years when I started working at a local drive-in movie theatre where he was employed. There was a "no dating coworkers" policy and we were both into following (some) rules and didn't want to get fired, so we were just friends instead.
 
Apparently, we were both interested in each other, but too shy/insecure/whatever...to say anything, but we became friends.
 
I remember going to his house and he to mine when we were still in high school, but he was older and went off to college. During a few of his weekend visits, we went on a few dates, but then I didn't see him again for a good four or five years.
 
By then I was married AND pregnant, but ran into Phil at work, so it was strange (for both of us apparently) in the wishful thinking at that time. From time to time, I would go by his work and say hi when we were in town. By the time my marriage was definitely over (but I still had hopes of it not being over) Phil had gotten married and although his marriage was heading for over...neither of us was willing to admit that we were

separated from our spouses and divorces were filed.

 
We each went about our lives and once he changed jobs, I had no clue where he was. (Prior to that, where I would visit was a place where I would also visit my bestest high school friend's father as he worked in another department.)
 
Meanwhile, he had been looking for and looking up former classmates and one in particular that I also happened to know. This mutual friend had lived away from where we are now and I had all but given up talking to him ever again, when on a whim I looked him up in the phone book (kind of a one last time deal, as I couldn't remember Phil's last name, I didn't look him up and even if I remembered, I probably could have never spelled it...)
 
So, lo and behold, our mutual friend was listed and had been for a few years and I gave him a call. Meanwhile, between classmates.com and a high school reunion, Phil and our mutual friend had been talking and e-mailing, and Phil asked him if he knew how to get in contact with me, and the friend gave Phil my e-mail address.
 
So, our real official long-term dating was cyber dating as Phil had moved to TX and I was in Phoenix. We went from the occasional e-mail to IM and phone calls and that evolved to a long distance romance.
 
I went to Texas and lived with Phil for a year, but knew my heart was with my children and family. Phil was adamant about staying in TX.
 
Every time Phil asked me to marry him, I asked if he would consider moving to Phoenix. He kept saying no, so I returned to Phoenix.
 
When I ran away to safety and Phil's care I knew he loved me and would take care of me. When he let me go and let me move back to Phoenix to be with my children, I knew he loved me enough to let me go and be where I belonged.
 
When he asked me if I would marry him if he moved to Phoenix, he got the answer I wanted to give him all along.
 
We have been married just over four months and are still working on getting into a life and a routine in Phoenix and still feel like we are trying to get settled in, but we have come a long way together and are looking forward to many years of happiness and joy with my children and grandchild(ren).
 
For how long we have been friends, and the things we liked about each other, are still there.

Getting used to habits has been hard (I am secretive in general and I also kept a few government secrets for a long time that I don't keep secret any more), but by nature I just have never been a "talker", so that is changing.

 
He likes reality TV, my reality is like the TV show, "Medium." We both like "24" and wouldn't want it any other way.
 
We both enjoy sports and look forward to the Cowboys VS Cardinals game later this fall.
 
We managed to attend the same three schools of higher education, just never were both at any one at the same time.
 
I think the biggest piece of advice we can offer the single crowd is don't put yourself above dating anyone with "baggage" as you have clearly got "emotional baggage" in the form of selfishness. I know that God didn't make selfishness, but He did make caring and compassion. A heart of gold is worth far more than a free lunch...
 
When a heart of gold is the heart within, you will find someone for you with that exact same quality.
 
Did I mention that Phil also is conservative and was busy advocating for Bush before we started to discuss politics? I just loved sending him links to caption Kerry two summers ago.

Barb's Two Cents on Being a Newlywed and Some Advice on Cyberdating

Ahhhh...the bliss of being newly married!  What joy!  The birds are singing.  The bees are buzzing.  The flowers are blooming...

Okay, for me our honeymoon was a little different from most.  Actually, our wedding was a little different from most.  You see, hubby and I eloped (with 40 of our closest friends and relatives) in Reno in 2003—four weeks before he was to deploy to Iraq.  We were already engaged, and had planned on a summer wedding, but one cold winter day, hubby got "the call", and three days later we found ourselves in Reno tying the knot.

Our honeymoon consisted of phone calls, emails, letters between here and Iraq—and lots of insomnia.  At first it was strange being married to a man who was suddenly 6500 miles away, and it was even stranger that I could talk to him only when he was able to call me (every two to three weeks or so).

And so it went.

Our "real" honeymoon came 18 months later.  We spent a week in Vegas (yeah, I know some folks find it a tacky place for a honeymoon, but hubby's never been, and I love the Luxor).  We gambled, saw some of the shows, gambled, ate at the various restaurants, gambled, walked the Fremont Street Experience, gambled, got SMASHED in Quark's Bar and harassed a poor Borg and Klingon at the Hilton where they have the Star Trek Experience (we almost got kicked out—but we snapped some hilarious photos), and we gambled some more.

All fun and games aside, our marriage (going on year four now) is a very solid one.  Hubby has a heart of gold, and I could not ask for a better man.  I would have to say that absence made our marriage grow stronger.  We still feel like newlyweds.  We are like “kids” with each other.  We are the two most happy-go-luckiest-people I know, on the planet. 

Some advice on cyberdating.

Back in the day, I was the Queen of Cyberdating.  I started meeting men online as far back as 1996.  Match.com was the ONLY online dating site (with something like, 200 local members).  It took a lot of chatting, meeting bozo after bozo, and dating horrible men who were nothing like their profiles before I realized I was doing everything wrong from the very beginning.  By the time I met my hubby in a Yahoo chatroom by total  accident (most of you know this story)  5 years later, I had finally learned some very big lessons. 

That said, here are some of my do’s and don’ts when it comes to cyberdating:

GIRLS:  Meet your potential future spouse in a very public place.  For your very first date, only meet for coffee or drinks where you can chat for as long or as short as you are comfortable with.  It’s easier to split the scene quickly if you are just sipping something, and not in the middle of dinner or stuck with a loser date in the middle of a 3-hour flick.  NEVER leave your drink unattended.  Before you use the restroom, finish your drink, or order a new drink once you’re back to your table.  By all means, drive yourself to your destination, DO NOT EVER let your date pick you up on your first date.  Tell a friend, family member, someone—anyone—where you will be and when you should be home.  Take your cell phone with you.  Park in a visible area.  It took me years and years of dating the same type of loser with a different name, and one failed marriage to a closet alcoholic, before I finally ‘grew-up’ and decided I would not settle for anything less anymore. Period.  I literally sat down and made a list of all the attributes I had to have in a man.  In fact, what had happened was I learned the very long and hard way about everything I did not want in a guy  through my own personal trial-and-error. (Mostly error.)  It was only after this personal epiphany that I met my true-love.  And it didn't take long.

 


TOPICS: Chit/Chat; Miscellaneous
KEYWORDS: cyberdating; friendship; marriage; singles; weekend
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To: WFTR

Bill,

It’s NOT too late.

You can still make this work.

LET GO of the past hurt. Work on putting it all behind you. Let go of the blame because it doesn’t matter anymore and it is getting you nowhere. It won’t change anything that, a long time ago in a galaxy far far away, you realized that it was your fault, or God’s fault, or the church’s fault, or all three. Now that you’ve had your epiphany, MOVE ON. None of that matters. If you’re really serious about meeting your mate, or winning your lady friend’s heart over, then make it a priority and a goal. If you get hurt, FEEL the hurt, and move on. You CAN do it.

Bill, you say the glass is half empty, but whether you realize it or not, at any time in your life, like right this very minute, for example, you have the power within YOU to make that glass half full.


281 posted on 07/29/2006 10:43:49 PM PDT by Maximus_Ridiculousness (Islamofascists: Kul khara we moot moot moot!!! - Insh'allah!)
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To: Maximus_Ridiculousness

Or hey, why not make it completely full? What's with this half thing?


282 posted on 07/29/2006 10:47:21 PM PDT by pcottraux (It's pronounced "P. Coe-troe.")
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To: DollyCali
I got my German shepherd in February. She is a real water dog & would jump in tub when I drew water for bath. If toilet seat was up she wouldn't just drink but play in it & water was all over the bathroom. she would get both front paws in & throw around water.

Now that it is warmer she gets her fill of water play outside & the toilets & bathtub are a bit saner


Pansy likes to lay in the tub from time to time, ever since she was a kitten, she had a fascination with the bathtub and drains. She jumped in the shower with me today but the water wasn't aimed at her so she got away dry, mostly. B-)She's doing better this week but goes for a checkup tomorrow for her thyroid but she is doing quite well for being almost 19.
283 posted on 07/29/2006 10:47:52 PM PDT by Nowhere Man (Michael Savage for President - 2008!)
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To: Kate of Spice Island
Who do you talk to just for fun AND understanding?

I'm not entirely sure what you mean, and my confusion might be all the answer that your question needs.

One of the biggest mistakes that many people make is to hope to find "the one" to pour out all of their thoughts and energies to. Until then, you "bottle up" and keep too much to yourself.

I tend to "bottle up" a great deal, but I don't envision pouring out everything to a significant other. In my ideal situation, my significant other would be able to understand many of the things that I've thought about over the years, and she'd generally agree with my thoughts. However, those issues wouldn't dominate our interactions. Instead, we'd have a good mix of light and heavy conversations. The light stuff would tend to keep the heavy stuff from feeling so heavy. We'd do stuff together to generate fresh "light" topics all the time. The world around us would do plenty to generate the "heavy" topics. Again, I don't have an experience base that gives me this ideal, so I understand that it may not be very realistic.

Bill

284 posted on 07/29/2006 10:48:13 PM PDT by WFTR (Liberty isn't for cowards)
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To: pcottraux

P

Ko

Tro


285 posted on 07/29/2006 10:56:33 PM PDT by Maximus_Ridiculousness (Islamofascists: Kul khara we moot moot moot!!! - Insh'allah!)
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To: Maximus_Ridiculousness

That's me. The one and the same.


286 posted on 07/29/2006 10:59:26 PM PDT by pcottraux (It's pronounced "P. Coe-troe.")
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To: pcottraux
Or hey, why not make it completely full? What's with this half thing?

Hey, good point!

287 posted on 07/29/2006 10:59:48 PM PDT by Maximus_Ridiculousness (Islamofascists: Kul khara we moot moot moot!!! - Insh'allah!)
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To: Maximus_Ridiculousness

Hi, Barb.

Watched "fighting 69th" earlier. Before that--watched the end of "Enemy of the State"--that resteraunt scene is one tha thas NOT been paralleled in ANY show I know of--INCLUDING Reservior Dogs!!

My VCR finally died tonight--it is 19 years old, and I last fixed it 10 years ago, when we bought this house. I HAD to fix it, as the signal runs through it, and I could NOT watch tv at all!! 15 minutes and 6 capacitors later--it is now ready for several more years. The other VCR had been broke for awhile--I finally fixed it tonight too- just a belt, so far. it is a much newer, cheaper made unit(like everything these days.)

Why do I tend to wait so long to fix my own stuff???I don't really know..I enjoy fixing other peoples things. and things around the house.But my own stuff always seems to come WAY last, for some reason(like the A/C module in the van.I waied until about a month ago to fix it, and JUST in time, too!!)

I know many here will say "what a boring way to spend Saturday night".......yeah.it is. But it will have to do, for now.

I have a family reunion tomorrow,The Kilburn Family reunion. (My mother is a Kilburn). We go every year. Nowdays-there are MANY people there I don't even know at all--I remember when there were maybe 30 people there. Nowdays--there are probably close to 200!!


288 posted on 07/29/2006 11:02:55 PM PDT by Rca2000 (I may be a prude, but at least I am CONSISTENT about my beliefs!!)
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To: WFTR
If a woman comes into my life in the future....once I have been assured of her trust-worthiness-there will be VERY little that I will not share with her.

I feel that that is the way it should be, between men and women, or very close friends, for that matter. Keeping things hidden from each other in a relationship just breeds distrust and hurt-if a person finds out something that you kept from them, from another party, as often happens.
289 posted on 07/29/2006 11:07:24 PM PDT by Rca2000 (I may be a prude, but at least I am CONSISTENT about my beliefs!!)
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To: Maximus_Ridiculousness
Be picky. Being single is FAR better than being married to the wrong person. (Women, you are not 'incomplete' without a man......withstand the cultural pressure to get married early). Wait for the right one, and don't go into marriage with the idea that you can 'fix' the other person. It doesn't work out that way.

You've got it exactly right. A couple of summers ago, I stopped by the office of an elderly professor to chat. His secretary informed me he was gone for the next three weeks on his honeymoon. I had always assumed he was already married. He was in his eighties and I couldn't imagine him not surrounded by grandkids.

Granted, not everyone lives to see their eightieth birthday, but if you're going to commit to someone, you have to pick someone whose flaws you can live with for the rest of your life. I'm much happier being single and not seeing anyone than I was when I was with people who weren't right for me. I don't feel like I have to be dating just because I'm in my 20s.

290 posted on 07/29/2006 11:15:40 PM PDT by iluvgeorgie (All great men are hated.)
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To: iluvgeorgie
I'm much happier being single and not seeing anyone than I was when I was with people who weren't right for me. I don't feel like I have to be dating just because I'm in my 20s.

So...come here often?

291 posted on 07/29/2006 11:22:57 PM PDT by pcottraux (It's pronounced "P. Coe-troe.")
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To: iluvgeorgie
I'm much happier being single and not seeing anyone than I was when I was with people who weren't right for me. I don't feel like I have to be dating just because I'm in my 20s.

So...come here often?

292 posted on 07/29/2006 11:23:17 PM PDT by pcottraux (It's pronounced "P. Coe-troe.")
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To: bannie

OK, you win!


293 posted on 07/29/2006 11:23:23 PM PDT by proud_yank (Socialism - An Answer In Search Of A Question For Over 100 Years)
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To: Victoria Delsoul

Hows it going?


294 posted on 07/29/2006 11:24:00 PM PDT by proud_yank (Socialism - An Answer In Search Of A Question For Over 100 Years)
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To: iluvgeorgie

Whoops...pardon the double post.


295 posted on 07/29/2006 11:24:39 PM PDT by pcottraux (It's pronounced "P. Coe-troe.")
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To: Rca2000

Hey, Jack!

The family reunion sounds like it'll be a blast. I had mine in 2000. We had relatives from California and Chicago all meet in Colorado. We stayed in some cabins about 14,000 feet up. Breathing and walking became rather complicated (80% of the group were pretty overweight) but we managed.

Sounds like you have The Undead VCR. How many regenerations have you put it through? Eeeeeeeek.

I haven't seen Fighting 69th, but I have seen Enemy of the State. I still like Reservoir Dogs better (cause it's just so twisted)!


296 posted on 07/29/2006 11:25:55 PM PDT by Maximus_Ridiculousness (Islamofascists: Kul khara we moot moot moot!!! - Insh'allah!)
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To: pcottraux
Nah. Was tied up in a good Global Warming™ debate here

Just kidding BTW. Whats new?
297 posted on 07/29/2006 11:26:22 PM PDT by proud_yank (Socialism - An Answer In Search Of A Question For Over 100 Years)
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To: proud_yank

Got tied up in a debate? Does that mean there are FReepers who were arguing with you about it?

I wouldn't know much about global warming...I have a tendency to not listen to things that aren't true.


298 posted on 07/29/2006 11:30:07 PM PDT by pcottraux (It's pronounced "P. Coe-troe.")
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To: Rca2000

I married my best friend. We are closer to each other, then we are with anyone else. We share everything. Period.

Personally, I think this is the way it should be in order to have a successful marriage.


299 posted on 07/29/2006 11:31:43 PM PDT by Maximus_Ridiculousness (Islamofascists: Kul khara we moot moot moot!!! - Insh'allah!)
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To: pcottraux

Actually this is the first time. Someone on the Dose said our friend OhioWFan was posting. The "Be Picky" advice was from her. But I forgot to copy her on my message. Silly me.

Oh well, it's late. I guess things like that and double posting are understandable at this hour. Lol.


300 posted on 07/29/2006 11:31:43 PM PDT by iluvgeorgie (All great men are hated.)
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