Posted on 06/22/2006 9:56:25 PM PDT by sully777
You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
We call him "pre-wash rinse"
Aren't those suppose to be on a string and used on the other end?
Did you hear about the guy from Alabama who passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved widow, but she can't touch it 'til she's 14.
How do you know when you're staying in a Kentucky hotel? When you call the front desk and say, "I gotta leak in my sink," and the front desk replies, "Go ahead."
How can you tell if a Tennessee redneck is married? There is dried tobacco juice on both sides of his pickup truck.
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West Virginia to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!
What do they call rerun of "Hee Haw" in Alabama? Documentaries.
Where was the toothbrush invented? Mississippi. If it was invented anywhere else, it would have been called teethbrush.
A Georgia State trooper pulls over a pickup on I-75 and says to the driver, "Got any I.D.?" and the driver replies "Bout wut?"
Did you hear about the $3 million Arkansas State Lottery? The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.
Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Alabama burned down? Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park. The library was a total loss, too. Both books -- poof! -- up in flames and he hadn't even finished coloring one of them.
A new law recently passed in West Virginia: When a couple gets divorced, they're STILL brother and sister.
ROTFLMAO! :)
When I'm good,
I'm very very good....
And when I'm bad,
I'm wonderful!
350
Guter Nachmittag springend Frosch.
New Drugs For Women
DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to
hell for up to 8 full hours.
ST. MOMMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression
by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.
EMPTY NESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and
loneliness by reminding
you of how awful they were as teenagers
and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full
cups swallowed before an evening out increases
breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.
DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously
low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.
FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling
road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases
resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want
to be a better person ..Can we get naked now?.
BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping
Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of
spending spree.
JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't
remember your birthday, anniversary, phone
number, or to lift the toilet seat.
ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on
anyone too eager to share their life stories with
total strangers in elevators.
NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband,
provides the same irritation level as nagging him.
Go get Aunt Bee, grap her leather stuff and you all come on over.
LOL...Yeah! :)
A: Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.
Q: Men will brag that there are women waiting by the phone at this very moment for their call. Who are these women?
A: Women working at 900 numbers.
Q: Where is the best place in a book store to find a man who is handsome, a good lover and a stimulating partner?
A: In the pages of a romance novel.
Q: What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift?
A: Exchange him.
Q: Why is the book "Women Who Love Too Much" a disappointment for many men?
A: No phone numbers.
Q: Why do men like smart women?
A: Opposites attract.
SOFTWARE UPGRADE TO WIFE VERSION 1.0
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed
that the new program began unexpected child processing that took
up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0
installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other
system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0,
Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 I can't seem to keep Wife
1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite
applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the
uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Thanks,
A Troubled User.
______________________________________
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it
is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an
OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run
EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to
return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the
program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed
to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-
Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and
work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background
application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE
because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command
before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high
maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such
as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. However, be
very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause
the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens,
the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase
additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary
With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0
and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck,
Tech Support
She's gone for the weekend.
All I've got is my metal/coin stuff.
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