SATAN'S SUPERMODELS

ENVIOUS of those flawlessly beautiful supermodels who get paid a fortune to flaunt their fabulous figures in designer clothes? Don't be -- many of them will wind up burning in the fires in Hell for all eternity!

Shockingly, many top-tier cover girls have signed a pact with the Devil, a leading expert in the occult asserts.

"Before they sold their souls to Satan, most of these women had faces that would stop a clock -- you'd be stunned at what plain Janes they were," claims Harold Iggleton, author of the upcoming book, Satan's Supermodels: The Untold Story of Devil-Worship in the Fashion Industry.

'The Evil One used his dark powers to remake these 'nobodies' from top to bottom -- taking away their flabby guts, sagging behinds and oversized schnozzes, while endowing them with high cheekbones, long, shapely legs and tight, toned buns."

The author refused to name names, saying readers will "have to buy the book" when it hits store shelves in July to find out whether their favorite supermodel is in league with the Devil.

But as a tantalizing preview, he provided Weekly World News exclusively with stunning "before" photos of the Hellbound glamour girls.

"One was a lonely fat girl with terrible acne everyone in junior high called 'Pizza Face' until a Goth classmate introduced her to Satanism," he reveals.

"Another had an okay face, but stood a mere 5-foot-1 -- way too short to be a professional model -- before Satan gave her a 'boost.'"

But beauty -- and the glamorous lifestyle, fame and fortune enjoyed by supermodels -- comes at a terrible price.

"In return, the models must engage in unspeakable orgiastic rituals involving human sacrifice plus date really unattractive older Satanist priests," the researcher contends.

"They must also corrupt the youth of the world by promoting materialism, sexual irresponsibility and other things that Lucifer cherishes."

Here, from the author, are five signs that your favorite supermodel is a tool of Satan:

1. Has a romantic relationship with a rock musician. "It's long been established that rock is the Devil's music," Iggleton points out.

2. Bears the "Devil's Mark." Fashion editors may generously describe a prominent mole or blemish as a "beauty mark," but witch-hunters as far back as medieval times have recognized it as a sign that a person has been marked by Lucifer.

3. Caught by paparazzi engaged in immoral conduct such as raunchy same-sex dancing.

5. Causes happily married men to have immoral urges. "If your husband comes out of the bathroom red-faced and clutching the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated, you can be sure one of Satan's minions is having an effect on him," Iggleton points out.

Ah, this is a nut magazine.

Here's something under the "Science" section:

ALIENS MOON NASA SPACECRAFT!
'There's no butts about it,' says official

By BERNIE PYLE

THE LATEST photos from Saturn show the ringed planet has many more moons than scientists first thought -- thanks to mischievous space aliens who "dropped trou" when they noticed the Cassini-Huygens spacecraft taking pictures of their planet.

"We expected to see many surprising sights," says a top NASA scientist connected with the Cassini project. "But aliens sticking their bare butts out at us was definitely the most surprising of all.

"They were definitely mooning us -- no BUTTS about it," says a NASA official.

"It's been said that love is the universal language, but it looks like mooning is," says another NASA head.

The Cassini-Huygens spacecraft took a decade to reach Saturn and is now in a four-year orbit around the ringed planet.

Some scientists took the alien display as a sign that the Saturnites are similar to us. "We'd probably do the same thing if another race from outer space tried to snap our pictures," says the NASA scientist.

But some leaders disagree over what the mooning means.

"Their culture could be completely different. Maybe it's just their way of saying 'hi,' " says a leading anthropologist.

Another prominent sociologist suggests, "Perhaps they're telling us they'd like to be probed. After all, that's what space aliens do when they abduct us."

A noted sexologist agrees. "It looks like the Saturnites are a bunch of sodomites," he says.

Still others see it as an international declaration of hostility. At least one conservative Republican in the House has called for the U.S. to bomb Saturn.

"We can't allow Earth to be insulted by every two-bit planet we encounter," says the elected official.

But another House member pointed out that it would take over ten years for missiles from Earth to arrive on Saturn.

"Then next time we should put missiles on the spaceship, just in case something like this happens," says the congressman.

Some politicians attempted to make the alien display a partisan issue.

"This is further proof that the Bush Administration policies have caused us to lose respect in the international community," says a top Democrat official.

Other shots of the aliens show them giving the camera "the finger," and the "up yours" sign. But they are also seen laughing and clowning around.

At least one NASA official thinks the hubbub over the butts is costing us valuable scientific Letter of the Week information.

"Our guys took so many pictures of their alien backsides that they almost forgot to shoot photos of Saturn's rings," says the disgruntled official.

The scientists are also concerned people will forget that the mission is gathering important information about the formation of the solar system.

"We're learning a tremendous amount," the NASA official says. "But all anyone is paying attention to is some space butt."

In the meantime, at least one Web site has posted the pictures, selling "Saturn Porn."

While scientists are puzzled by the photos, they agree on one thing, says the NASA official. "These butts require closer investigation."

Published on: 10/04/2005

Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.