Posted on 12/20/2004 6:41:03 AM PST by kerouacbal
I am 26 years old and have been married for 2 years. I am having trouble growing up and I am driving my wife nuts. It has gotten to the point that my wife talks about divorce almost every day. I want to work this out more then I every wanted anything but I can't seem to do it or do it quick enough. I can't seem to remember consistently to do every day things like take out the garbage make sure all the doors are locked and the heat is off at night (there is a lot more but won't get into it all). I am posting this here to try to get some advise on how to help my self grow up and start to take care of my wife and son better like a husband should. My parents are dead and I don't have a close family member or friend to get advise from. Could someone please help me.
Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Practice that, you'll grow up and maybe your wife won't leave you. Sounds like you are not used to having to do anything to get by. Love and marriage is really hard work. Get used to it. Nothing comes for free.
No, you're not the only one. If I had a serious personal issue to work out, I wouldn't post a vanity about it on a forum. For a lot of reasons.
I've been married for 40 years. At certain problematic times, my wife and I did benefit from marriage counseling. I recommend it. But make sure it's working for the two of you. If you're getting nowhere, try another counselor.
Wow. I don't know that i have a lot of answers, but I hope the people here can help point you in the right direction.
Sorry to say, but 26 sounds young - to us "old folks," it sounds younger every hear! From what little you've said, it sounds to me like you both may have some growing up to do. And with a young child, I'm sure you want to try to work it out if you can.
First, try to remember what brought you together in the first place. Is there a way to make a "fresh start" and fall in love all over again? Not infatuation, but true love - sharing all the bad times as well as the good.
Really, the best thing is to maybe speak to a clergyman or get professional marriage counseling. Look inside yourself and ask God for guidance also. But the first question to ask is whether you both want to work it out or not. Answering that question - are you both in for the long haul or not - will go a long way to resolving this.
Don't mean to sound preachy. just trying to give some thoughts.
Good luck.
The "Obey your husband" is taken out of a lot of marriage vows now, as should be. If he is trying to rule over her...there's the problem.
Personally, as a Pastor (in my 19th year of marriage) things didnt straighten out for us until we placed God at the apex of the relationship -
IMO a lot of folk (me included) feel its important to get married before God, but then exclude Him from the relationship, when clearly the Bible says include Him
sorry to preach this early - just my opinion - I had the same beefs though
I'd also look at a mild ADD or ADHD
Statisitically by year seven, half of all relationships end in divirce - make it past that and your odds increase tremendously
Part of the problem though is trying to make the imperfect (man and woman), perfect....and this is where a lot of folk run into trouble - you cant figuratively clothe yourself in perfection as were sinners - Only God can make a relationship pure.
For us it included much reading a a fresh understanding of what the spouse desired from the relationship, and investing in the relationship by meeting those needs.
Pastor xzins does family counseling - I'll ping him here for his input as well
She won't go to counseling
I agree with others - it sounds like your wife will find anything to make up excuses. Ive seen it in other marriages where one spouse will find simple excuses to lash out at the other spouse and justify thier so-called need for a divorce. I hope I am wrong and you can save your marriage especially since you have a young son. Best of luck.
Just kidding...this actually belongs in General Chat, or Religion, but until the All-Knowing, all-seeing Mods move it, we'll just deal with it.
You remind me of me.
I still forget to do things.
The fact your wife is talking divorce so soon, is a problem.
How long were ya'll together before marriage?
How soon after the marriage did ya'll have a son?
My wife and I have been married 26 1/2 years, but we've been together for 35 years.
I was lucky, I got the right one the first time, and in spite of my being a pure-d a$$hole, she has stuck by me.
Ah. You've met my ex...
If you are going to forget chore details, whatever you do, don't forget to say you love her and to be thoughtful. Do things for her. Let her see you do things for your child. Every mother is touched when her child's father shows great interest in being a dad. Every child needs his father to love his mother. It's all connected.
Last, learn to listen. That doesn't mean just that you can parrot the words back, that means that you actually listen and participate in the conversation. Women like conversation.
Excellent point.
marriage counselors are trained professionals who know how to handle things, which questions to ask, and how to tell when someone is buffalo-ing.
i'd posit that few, if any, of us are. we'ed only make things worse.
She's looking for an upgrade, and the two minute warning has sounded.
You seem to know what you need to do, so just do it. Have a heart to heart talk with your wife, and make sure that you're both on the same page. Make sure that the changes she would like you to make, are what you work on. She needs to get the "D" word out of her head, or maybe she is just using your inadequacies as "the problem".
I agree with the suggestions about AD/HD. My wife had behaviors similar to yours that were driving me nuts and making our marriage miserable. I was griping to a psychologist friend about her over lunch one day. He suggested the diagnosis, and we got her referred to specialists who were able to make the diagnosis and begin treatment. While treatment requires medication, there are now some new non-stimulant (and non-scheduled) meds on the market that are effective in some adults.
Your plea shows you are willing and needing to work at this marriage. I married right out of high school to my high school sweetheart and we have been married for 40 years. We have 4 wonderful grown children. Everyday we work at our marriage, give and take. Yours is definitely worth seeing the clergy or marriage counselor. Please do not hesitate, see one now. Prayers are with you.
it's just not about you and your wife, your son will be watching how you behave. Please set a good example. One more thing. God loves you and don't be so hard on youself. Take it one day at a time. If you do even a few of the things I mentioned above, I guarantee your life will get better!
An amazingly NON-gallant reply from someone posting on FR as "Sir Gawain".
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.