Posted on 04/11/2020 8:46:41 AM PDT by tbw2
From an anonymous UPS delivery driver...
5 types of customers since the “rona”:
1) Steve: He has been waiting for this moment his whole life. He has been drinking boilermakers since 10:00 am in his recliner and his AR is within arms reach. He has 6 months provisions in the basement and a bug out bag due west buried in the woods. Steve demands a handshake as I give him his package. He’s sizing me up as I deliver his ammo.
Steve will survive this, and he will kill you if he needs to.
2) Brad: He is standing at his window wearing skinny jeans and a Patagonia t-shirt. He is mad because there were no organic tomatoes at Whole Foods today. He points at the ground where he has taped a 6 ft no go zone line from his porch. I leave his case of Fuji water, organic granola bites, and his new “Bernie Bro” hat at the tape.
Brad will not survive. Steve will probably eat him.
3) Nancy: She has sprayed everything with Thieves oil. Bought all the Clorox wipes, hand sanitizer, toilet paper, meat, and bread from the local grocery chain. She has quarantined her kids and sprays them with a mixture of thieves, lavender, & mint essential oils daily. She has posted every link known to man about “The Rona” on her social media. She will spray you if you break the 6 ft rule. I will leave her yet another case of toilet paper.
She will last longer than Brad, but not Steve.
4) Karen: She has called everybody and read them the latest news on “The Rona”. She asked for the manager at Food Lion, Walmart, Publix, McDonalds, Chi-Fil-A, and Vons all before noon demanding more toilet paper. Karen’s kids are currently faking “The Rona” to avoid her. I’m delivering “Hello kitchen” to her.
Karen will not survive longer than Brad.
5) Mary: Is sitting in the swing watching her kids have a water balloon fight in the front yard as she is on her fourth glass of wine. She went to the store and bought 2 cases of pop tarts, 6 boxes of cereal, 8 bags of pizza rolls, And a 6 roll pack of toilet paper. There is a playlist of Bob Marley, Pink Floyd, and Post Malone playing in the background. I’m bringing her second shipment of 15 bottles of wine in 3 days.
Mary will survive and marry Steve. Together they will repopulate the earth. May God have mercy on us all.
Mrs Spokeshave in her upper 70’s who knows all the edible wild plants, makes herbal medicines and can kill a gopher with a pick axe will survive.
Mary sounds perfect
Ditch Post Malone and we have a deal
Steve revealed his provisions and readiness status to the UPS guy. Now everybody knows. Steve will probably be the first to go.
Ha, ha!
That was hilarious!
I have not bought a roll of toilet paper since this scam started. You don’t need to know what I have in my basement. Took me years to convince the old lady to replace what she took and have a spare. That changed after she depleted the stock when I was in SWA for a year plus tour. Came home and the cupboard was bare. Demanded she start stocking up but she dallied around while I was stocking. The hard winter storm hit. We had just enough to get through. Now she is worse than me. The moral of the story is, you need a roll for $500, come see me. Might throw in a box of fifty .22LR for an additional $20. Never wait till you cannot get it to try and buy it.
Same for my UPS driver. He’s had the route for years. My daughters know him as “Santa Claus.” My younger daughter is now a UPS profit center. He’s getting run ragged, making deliveries as late as 8:30 and 9:00.
Lol!! I’m Mary, living in a neighbourhood full of Nancy’s. God help me.
Smell is big. I guess that won’t help if you get COVID and lose your sense of smell.
Also Can integrity has to be good. No dents or buldges.
I will probably let the throw out the expired stuff, once this is over and stores are restocked.
And I’m not feeding a lot of the old stuff to the kids. I’ve got plenty of fresh stuff. I’m just holding on to the old stuff just in case.
Fresh meats, I won’t exceed the use by date. Saving a couple of dollars is not worth food poisoning.
Not exactly a preppier but well stocked. I make weekly runs to the grocery store but if the store was empty have at least 3 weeks food (likely Much more if rationed) and still have about a dozen rolls of TP and paper towels.
My wife used to complain about my perceived hoarding but now we are doing way better than most.
Thanks.
It’s “your back porch,” FRiend Badger.
As opposed to “You are back porch,” which is what you actually wrote just now.
As to the possibility of a “coordinated attack on Western Civilization,” I freely admit that I don’t know. I tend to believe that when things go bad, it’s best to consider incompetence as an explanation before turning to malevolence.
Now, on to something I do know. Apostrophes keep cropping up in the strangest places.
I’m a retired editor. If there’s one thing I would like to teach all FReepers, it’s a few basic rules for clear communications.
And I don’t mean nitpicky grammar rules. I couldn’t tell an infinitive from a gerund. But the secret to effective writing is the voice inside your head — if it sounds right, it probably is right.
As long as all the words are spelled correctly, that is. I cut nobody an inch of slack on spelling, especially with all these computer-aided whirligigs we have on the Internet, whether we want them or not.
Some much needed humor. And mama’s don’t let your baby’s grow up to be Brad.
Way to go Mare!
understood completely.
your decision is yours to take, and rational.
on the other hand, it doesn’t really take a great deal of marksmanship to hit a dangerous burglar or any other armed or dangerous person who breaks into your home or threatens your liberty or that of your family or friends. get something like a Glock21 and you’ll have several quick chances of creating at least one or two holes where they’re needed.
I realize there is a chance that a stray shot might hit something or someone else, so getting whatever training and practice is possible should be on the agenda. But again,
if and when it comes down to your live or theirs, giving yourself a chance at least (with a good quality, reliable firearm as defense) would, respectfully, be the most sensible path, especially now that our civil liberties are “suspended” and our social order is, well, disintegrating. An ounce of prevention .. and all that, eh?
(PS: often, too, although not always.. and I am aware of the adage about being ready to shoot if you ever have to draw a weapon, but anyway on that.... often it is true that when a burglar or other threatening individual sees you are armed .. he often (not always) will leave. I don’t have statistics on this but it is fact and at least we can HOPE that it may work for you if occasion ever arises. Still, get that training as best you can and yes, be ready to fire if necessary.
I will drop the topic now, don’t mean to pry at any event.
Just a thought is all, as there’s been already some clear signs of our social order breaking down under all this pressure
Get a vacuum sealer. No freezer burn.
Yup. Between that and the handshake thing, and the drinking he’ll be doomed.
If you know how to slow down and reduce your clumsiness, you can learn to be a good shot. Not sniper-level, perhaps, but good enough for self-defense up close. Start with something light. A .22LR pistol isn’t optimal for defense, but if you put the bullets where they belong, it will work. Probably been more game taken in the US with a .22 than all other calibers combined.
I’m 65 here in a few weeks. Age is no bar. Hands a bit shaky? Get a heavier gun. The extra weight helps stabilize it. My dad had Parkinson’s pretty bad late in his life. So my step-mom got him a Sharps buffalo rifle. He was still hitting what he aimed at. You can, too. Besides, shooting is fun!
Steve sounds reasonable,
It’s the
Boilermakers that
Make him a bit
Prickly.
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.