Posted on 03/03/2012 3:29:56 PM PST by pingman
I'll start:
How is a marriage like a deck of cards?
You start out with two hearts and a diamond, but after awhile you're looking for a club and a spade.
(rimshot!)
A Scotsman was at a baseball game. It was the first time he had ever seen the sport so he sat quietly.
The first batter approached the plate, took a few swings and then hit a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming “Run, Run!” This happened two more times, with a single and a triple. The Scot was now excited and ready to get into the game.The next batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called “walk” and the batter started on a slow trot to first. The Scotsman, extremely
excited now, stood up and screamed, “R-R-Run ye basstarrd, rrrun!” Everyone around him started laughing. So the Scotsman, extremely embarrassed, sat back down.
A friendly fan, seeing the Scotsman’s embarrassment, leaned over and said, “He can’t run - he got four balls.
“The Scotsman then stood up and screamed, “Walk with prrride,mon...walk with prrride!”
So there’s this canal with a walking path along each side; a blonde is walking on each path. They approach each other, notice each other, and wave, and then one blonde yells to the other one, “How do I get to the other side?”
The other blonde thinks for a moment, and then yells back, “You ARE on the other side!”
HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.
The answer by one student was so “profound” that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more t han one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added,
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, “It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,” and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting “Oh my God.”
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+
Obama walks into a bar, got a great big colorful parrot on his shoulder.
Barkeep walks up and says,”Man, that’s really cool. Where’d ya get it?”
Parrot says, “Africa. There’s millions of ‘em.”.
LOL! Good one!
What is the difference between bagpipes and a chainsaw?
You can tune the chainsaw.
HAHAHAHA!!!
Funny....as usual...
I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my fart with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me....
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
What’s the difference between and pilot and a Pratt & Whitney PT6?
The PT6 stops whining when you move the fuel cut-off lever.
Yo mama so fat that when she farts, the National Hurricane Center names it.
Yo mama so fat she pulled smaller fat people into orbit around her.
What’s the difference between a blonde and a washing machine?
Answer:
You can dump a load in a washing machine on a Friday night and it won’t call you all weekend!
Since 1 mile = 1.6 kilometers I guess Alex should have shut up and gone along with the mouth breathing half-wit in charge.
There was a young lady, Ann Heiser
Who swore that no man could surprise her
But Pabst took a chance
Found a Shlitz in her pants
And now, she’s sadder
Budweiser
OooooH! A redhead who plays accordion? Twere I younger, I’d chase her around the parking lot with my Coodercaster!
LOL!
We had the shorter version in Texas.
Are you sometimes surprised at the things you can remember forever, and yet have trouble remembering what you did yesterday? I sure am....
A businessman says, "It's been a pleasure doing business with you."
A prostitute says, "It's been a business doing pleasure with you."
A politician just takes your money and screws you, then tells everyone how good HE is.
Cheers!
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